The Patron Saints of Doomed Pets

So, we are the Patron Saints of Doomed Pets.

Since my fiancee and I have been together, a little over 3 years now, we have gathered quite the menagerie of pets. However, not everyone made it through.

Yes, there are meth addicted, drunken, coke fiends who habitually beat their pets everyday, poison them, neglect them, don't feed them, brand swastikas in them, etc. But these animals, for what ever reason, continue to live pretty healthily. Yet, my fiancee and I...all we do is go above and beyond to spoil our pets...we treat them better than ourselves. Yet, they always meet unfortunate ends.

Our first pet was Guaraldi, a kitten. He was a sonofabitch. Very cute greay tabby. We got him when he was very young. I had hideous food poisoning at the time and the fucker was climbing all over me. Well, sure enough, I had decided to take a summer job out of town. The day I left, my fiancee had to put Guaraldi down. He suffered from felind leukemia and was going to live a short, painful, slow death. On top of it, my phone was off b/c I had to save my battery for an emergency. G lasted 4 days with us.

The next failure of a pet was Ipod. He was a very friendly all white kitty who made his way into our frat house through an open window. We took care of him the best we could, but he was sick with FIV (kitty AIDS)and we had to put him down, too. He was thankful the whole time, I mean, he knew before us that he was terminally ill. Ipod lasted 3 days with us.

Our next disastrous pet event was Moon. Moon was our favorite kitty. She was sickeningly sweet and loved us to death. She was a stray who we brought in from the cold and she thanked us everyday for 6 months. Well, she went MIA in September. I had hosted an all nite drinking fest at my house with some old buddies and one of them decided that in a townehouse with 4 cats, it was a good idea to leave the door wide ass open. Moon probably caught wind of a scent outside and she was off. My other friend tried to help, but in his drunken stupor he just went chasing after her in the nite and probably scared her shitless and off into oblivion. I mean, she probably woulda listened to me but, what can you do, right?

Well, the latest tragedy happened yesterday. Panzer, the Flemish Giant Rabbit passed away from blod clots/congenital heart failure. Yes, the bunny I had just purchased for my fiancee's early bday gift. We had him a little over a week. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching DVRs of Cheaters (I enjoy falling asleep to the tortured moans and crying) so I was right by his cage. At 6am, he started baying wildly! Yes, a rabbit...baying. I petted him and he seemed to calm down, but was still acting strange. My fiancee came down to check out the noise. By the time I had returned to the room after taking the morning piss, he had taken his death crap and was laying limp in my fiancee's arms, dead. Even though she is employed by a vet, she was horribly traumatized and didn't really know what to do. I tried to give him CPR but he was gone.

Of course, then we have BeBe. Bebe suffered from a severe viral infection when she was a kitten. She was given a 2% survival rate. She was having seizures bc her fever was so high. We were going to put her down, but we had to move that weekend and we figured there would be no time, as we had already rented the truck. Well, sure enough, my brother came up to help with the move and brought some holy water from Lourdes, France that I had requested of him. Wasted, I doused the seizing Bebe in the stuff. We didn't expect Bebe to make it through the nite. By the next morning, Bebe was not only conscious and alive...she was making quite a commotion as she dragged a half eaten JBC from Wendy's across our frontroom floor! However, like Pet Semetary, "Sometimes, dead is better." Well, Bebe no suffers from severe mental retardation and other mental issues. She still loves us, though.

In conclusion, I think since we treat our animals so well, God decides to place the doomed animals in our paths. We are almost like a hospice spa. They get fantastic treatment for their short time and then they pass. God likes fucking with people and I think he's a cool guy...he has a great sense of humor!

As soon as we move into our house in two weeks, we are going to foster a german shepherd. I have no choice but to succumb to the pressure to get a dog! I mean, her fuckin bday gift died!