I own a nice house in a nice subdivision in a nice suburb of Columbus. My house is pretty much perfect for my family, except for one glaring thing....
We knew it going in....my house is located on the very edge of the subdivision in a culdesac. I'm at the edge of the culdesac...the rest of the buildings are worn duplexes, which means renters, which means Walmart/Nascar/Bush Lite crowd.....fuck, even one guys is a sex offender....these people, for the most part, are ignorant pricks....and I hate them...they make so much goddamned noise...blasting country and arguing into the street with cigarette choked raspy voices, (at 2 am sometimes)....drinking Great Value Walmart beer all day collecting their welfare checks, mragh mragh mragh!!!
I use two cinder blocks to keep my dogs barricaded inside their fence bc fuck for bid they get out....they will eviscerate every single one of these "my parents are cousins" fuckstains....
Well, the duplex next door had their driveway sealed. Not an issue, right....
Wrong...I get home and one of my blocks is missing...apparently the lazy dipshit contractor went into my yard and took one of my cinder blocks from the fence to anchor some caution tape!
I wouldn't care, but I need that cinder block to keep the dogs in....
I wanted to go over there and just cut the line and reclaim my block, but I'm much classier than that. I could knock on their doors to let them know what I'm doing...but fuck them, they didn't pay for the seal job...they're renters! Plus, I don't wanna interact with these white trash fucks...I hate them...
I reclaimed my block triumphantly and I was even nice enough to replace it with one of my spare waste baskets to keep the caution tape intact.
As I was returning to my house, one of the neighbor's friends pulls up....and it's on....
This guys is 50ish, 5'10", a fat as fuck 260ish, drunk as fuck, with a Packers hat on (I lived in Milwaukee...he didn't have a Wisco accent).....
"Derp, da derp....did you take dat brick?! Dayhhhhh dayhhh!!"
"Sir, that's my block. I use it to keep my dogs barricaded."
"Well, did you ask, boy?" [Typical crusty old fuck trying to intimidate a younger lad...I love this kinda shit....just bc you're older, you're gonna like whoop my ass with a belt like I'm 12.]
"Sir....that's my block. I don't NEED to ask anyone." [Did anyone ask permission to take it, you fuck mime?]
"Ah, da derper derp...that's bullshit...I seen dat contractor m'self bring dat same block in on his truck!"
"No he didn't...mind your own business...." [Now, I'm getting pissed...I stop walking and I face to confront this prick who is 30 ft away, heading to my next door neighbor's house.]
"Well why don't you worry about go and get more dogs....[all I could understand of the rambling, incoherent, drunken, inaudible townie fuckspeak as he's running inside with his fat son....]
BTW, I love people who talk shit, retreating, and with their kids with them....like, most serial killers won't kill a person in front of their kid...me, a normal person (loosely) is going to stomp out a kid's father in front of the kid...
My wife and I left for a quick Costco run....upon my return, the cinderblock is still in place....of course the cowardly pussies aren't gonna take the block back....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Pick up stix....
Picked up a bat(baseball) for the first time in 2 years....mind you I just had wrist surgery and am finally cleared to do things....I'm at about 80%...and it's feeling better than it ever did in college....
But even though it was only 4 years ago, it seems like a lifetime since my last game....my junior year...I cried bc I knew it was my last game...I had lost any desire to play the game anymore...my vices had gotten the best of me....my eyesight worse than my grandparents, my anxiety and depression nearly consumed me, my wrist injuries left me unable to check my swing...the sanctuary that baseball was when I was growing up in a horrible home no longer existed bc of my environment and a rotten coach...
There's a lot of what ifs, but I'm just a shell of the prospect I once was....I still have that swing....and I thank my friend Clint for convincing me to go hit with him yesterday....
For the first time in almost a decade, hitting in the cage was just that....my escape...from school, my head, my awful drunken mother, my job.....and for a split second, it was a summer evening in Mason, OH....and I was hitting with my brother...the world of baseball promise ahead of us, limitless, vast, and beautiful...
I'm losing weight again....with the hope of playing in this very competitive men's league next year....and I have the hopes that I'll be down 50-70 lbs, and I'll have a brand new wrist!
Good things coming...
But even though it was only 4 years ago, it seems like a lifetime since my last game....my junior year...I cried bc I knew it was my last game...I had lost any desire to play the game anymore...my vices had gotten the best of me....my eyesight worse than my grandparents, my anxiety and depression nearly consumed me, my wrist injuries left me unable to check my swing...the sanctuary that baseball was when I was growing up in a horrible home no longer existed bc of my environment and a rotten coach...
There's a lot of what ifs, but I'm just a shell of the prospect I once was....I still have that swing....and I thank my friend Clint for convincing me to go hit with him yesterday....
For the first time in almost a decade, hitting in the cage was just that....my escape...from school, my head, my awful drunken mother, my job.....and for a split second, it was a summer evening in Mason, OH....and I was hitting with my brother...the world of baseball promise ahead of us, limitless, vast, and beautiful...
I'm losing weight again....with the hope of playing in this very competitive men's league next year....and I have the hopes that I'll be down 50-70 lbs, and I'll have a brand new wrist!
Good things coming...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Software for the deck...
Had to fix the deck....
Because of the hours of battle my german shepherds do on the deck, a few boards have come loose.
No big, right...just grab the drill and some screws and have at it.
WRONG.
Either my deck base is made of metal, petrified redwood, or these chinese made screws really suck. Explain to me how this is supposed to happen....
I'm glad these screws are holding up my garage shelves and my big screen.....I'm kinda glad my house was built in '89...fuck forbid...new houses are getting built with these!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Good Beer...
In the spirit of the 4th, I am entertained by posts on myspace and twitter that read, "Kicking back with my [Insert Corona, Landshark, Heineken, etc]...went big...this is the best beer!"
What in the fuck, people? People hate beer snobs....well, there's a reason...people hate the enlightened.
The fact that people love those shitty beers is amazing...the fact that they share a pricepoint as brands like Spaten, Great Lakes, Leinenkugel, Oberon, Magic Hat, etc is incredible!
At Melting Pot yesterday, I overheard this conversation a few tables over.
Old hick:"Derp deh day derp....don't yuns just have a budweiser?"
Waiter:"Sorry...we only serve high end beer here."
Old hick:"Welp, watar for me."
Like wtf....expand your horizons a bit! This is your first trip to a nonApplebee's in 7 years....why not try something new. Guess what! Budweiser is terrible! It's Nascar deer piss!
Beer is a beautiful craft and sure, every now and then I'll hit some piss High Life....but fuck, for celebrating, don't drink piss and call it gravy....and I don't want to read it on my social networking sites...
Some of my picks (they change all the time)
Beer of disability-Beast Ice
Beer of cheap-Miller High Life Lite
Beer of frugal-Molson Canadian
Beer of Summer-Leinenkugel Summer Shandy-I don't care if it has lemonade in it!
Beer of Winter-Spaten Optimator
Beers of yum-Great Lakes Eliot Ness and Burning River
What in the fuck, people? People hate beer snobs....well, there's a reason...people hate the enlightened.
The fact that people love those shitty beers is amazing...the fact that they share a pricepoint as brands like Spaten, Great Lakes, Leinenkugel, Oberon, Magic Hat, etc is incredible!
At Melting Pot yesterday, I overheard this conversation a few tables over.
Old hick:"Derp deh day derp....don't yuns just have a budweiser?"
Waiter:"Sorry...we only serve high end beer here."
Old hick:"Welp, watar for me."
Like wtf....expand your horizons a bit! This is your first trip to a nonApplebee's in 7 years....why not try something new. Guess what! Budweiser is terrible! It's Nascar deer piss!
Beer is a beautiful craft and sure, every now and then I'll hit some piss High Life....but fuck, for celebrating, don't drink piss and call it gravy....and I don't want to read it on my social networking sites...
Some of my picks (they change all the time)
Beer of disability-Beast Ice
Beer of cheap-Miller High Life Lite
Beer of frugal-Molson Canadian
Beer of Summer-Leinenkugel Summer Shandy-I don't care if it has lemonade in it!
Beer of Winter-Spaten Optimator
Beers of yum-Great Lakes Eliot Ness and Burning River
Sunday, July 4, 2010
To the death!
Hooray for our one year anniversary....and no one has died yet! For those who don't know us, Statty and I bicker and fight all the time, yet it is still a healthy, loving relationship. I have learned through watching the failure, drug and alcohol rage passive aggressive rage fest that was my parents' marriage to get things off your chest....immediately.
We have our hot button issues that will inevitably start fights....so, I am just learning to lay off of them....however, Statty has not learned. She will conveniently show me a picture from 5 yrs ago (when I was suave and hot) when I serve myself seconds or by a 12 pack...."Oh, Une...please make this (patting my tummy) go away! I want a skinny, hot Une again." Well, to an outsider, this could potentially sound terrible...but I applaud her honesty...I wouldn't like it if she put on weight! Well, between the yardwork, P90x, and gymn membership, I'm hoping to get back to my playing weight....this will do wonders for my live act!
So happy one year!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Typical Uncouth Hillbilly Behavior....
I bought a house in Worthington....this is a nice area....pretty snooty, too...not quite like Dublin or Upper Arlington...but it's up there. However, I did manage to get the last home built in my subdivision and it abuts directly up against these two family home rentals.
These places probably rent for 500/month....and yes, they bring with them a different kind of person....
Everyone kinda hates me bc I have two pretty girls living with me....my wife and our roomie...however, I think everyone just assumes we're polygamists....so they hate me even more. No one has been interested in meeting us...well, until about 2 weeks ago, the fat as fuck 50 something guy across the street named Joe decided to waddle over while I was edging. He introduced himself in his central OH Walmartian dialect and explained that he'd seal my driveway for $150. It's like...I've lived here 2.5 months and this fuckstick comes to say hi just bc he wants a job bc he's laid off....
Typical...
Well, Thursday, he and his fat wife and their tribe of inbred children decided to sit out on their porch all day and get shitty on some Bud heavy....by 7pm, there was like mass child endangerment going on as their grandchildren were terrified as their entire front yard was littered with shouting, wasted, hicks....from what I could get out of it..."Derp der derp derp Walmart, you pay fer da Fhuckin berrrrr!!!!!!"
These fucks were having a culdesac block brawl, getting physical, etc bc they could not agree to terms over how to split the cases of Bud heavy......wow....
Get off your ass, America...and find a job...even if it isn't a great job...it's better than being a shitstain....
These places probably rent for 500/month....and yes, they bring with them a different kind of person....
Everyone kinda hates me bc I have two pretty girls living with me....my wife and our roomie...however, I think everyone just assumes we're polygamists....so they hate me even more. No one has been interested in meeting us...well, until about 2 weeks ago, the fat as fuck 50 something guy across the street named Joe decided to waddle over while I was edging. He introduced himself in his central OH Walmartian dialect and explained that he'd seal my driveway for $150. It's like...I've lived here 2.5 months and this fuckstick comes to say hi just bc he wants a job bc he's laid off....
Typical...
Well, Thursday, he and his fat wife and their tribe of inbred children decided to sit out on their porch all day and get shitty on some Bud heavy....by 7pm, there was like mass child endangerment going on as their grandchildren were terrified as their entire front yard was littered with shouting, wasted, hicks....from what I could get out of it..."Derp der derp derp Walmart, you pay fer da Fhuckin berrrrr!!!!!!"
These fucks were having a culdesac block brawl, getting physical, etc bc they could not agree to terms over how to split the cases of Bud heavy......wow....
Get off your ass, America...and find a job...even if it isn't a great job...it's better than being a shitstain....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The new cat toys look like poops....
From a distance...across the house...the new cat toys look like poops on my rug and I instantly get enraged when I see them....then, I remember that in poor lighting, the new cat toys resemble poop...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Add?
So I'm spamming people with my band's facebook account and one old guy responds to a message with "add?"....like, wtf....if you don't want to be spammed, hit ignore friend request....
Old people just take facebook way to fuckin seriously....
Old people just take facebook way to fuckin seriously....
Jew Garbage
Here's a good one...ever notice that local gov't workers treat us like shit....cops, teachers, garbagemen, mailmen.....all of 'em....they treat us like dog shit.
My roomie inadvertently parked her car too close to our mailbox a few months ago and the mailman wanted to like mudwrestle/cage fight her to the death or some shit.
In Cbus, we live under a similar totalitarian regime involving the garbagemen. Ok, so you get one trashcan per household....and whatever doesn't fit, well you're shit out of luck. You can arrange for bulk pickup...but who the fuck has the time to arrange such a ridiculous thing.....we did it when we last moved...fuck, the whole process took like 3 days to arrange.
In a household with three adults, 5 kitties, and 2 german shepherds, it's hard to keep things to one trash can....we try, but kitties don't stop shitting and I don't stop cooking. Also, we have to keep buying things we have never had before (like a dehumdifier, power tools, etc). These things come in bulky packaging that needs thrown away.
Our trash day changes (does anyone else deal with this?). Let me repeat myself....the fuckin trash day changes all the time. As a child, trash day was consistent...it was one of my chores to take trash out and take the empty cans back in every single mutha fuckin Monday. It was like clockwork...who cares about holidays? The fuckin trashmen are getting paid $20 an hr....well, here in Cbus, the trash date changes all the time...you have to go to a website to keep track! It's so fuckin annoying! I mean, fuck...mragh mragh mragh mragh!
http://refuse.ci.columbus.oh.us/monthly_color_calendar.htm
So bc I forgot, last week, I did not take the trash out....fuck....I have a mountain of trash, which brings us to the concept of "Jew trash." My wife is Jewish, so it's ok...she coined this phrase. Basically, when I have extra trash (and this time, I have a shit ton) I have to sneak around and dump extra trash into my neighbors' less full bins. I'm lucky. This week, the hillbillies down the street have been evicted, so they have arranged for a bulk pickup....tonite around midnite, I'll be placing my extra trash amongst their diminuitive landfill in their front lawn.
My roomie inadvertently parked her car too close to our mailbox a few months ago and the mailman wanted to like mudwrestle/cage fight her to the death or some shit.
In Cbus, we live under a similar totalitarian regime involving the garbagemen. Ok, so you get one trashcan per household....and whatever doesn't fit, well you're shit out of luck. You can arrange for bulk pickup...but who the fuck has the time to arrange such a ridiculous thing.....we did it when we last moved...fuck, the whole process took like 3 days to arrange.
In a household with three adults, 5 kitties, and 2 german shepherds, it's hard to keep things to one trash can....we try, but kitties don't stop shitting and I don't stop cooking. Also, we have to keep buying things we have never had before (like a dehumdifier, power tools, etc). These things come in bulky packaging that needs thrown away.
Our trash day changes (does anyone else deal with this?). Let me repeat myself....the fuckin trash day changes all the time. As a child, trash day was consistent...it was one of my chores to take trash out and take the empty cans back in every single mutha fuckin Monday. It was like clockwork...who cares about holidays? The fuckin trashmen are getting paid $20 an hr....well, here in Cbus, the trash date changes all the time...you have to go to a website to keep track! It's so fuckin annoying! I mean, fuck...mragh mragh mragh mragh!
http://refuse.ci.columbus.oh.us/monthly_color_calendar.htm
So bc I forgot, last week, I did not take the trash out....fuck....I have a mountain of trash, which brings us to the concept of "Jew trash." My wife is Jewish, so it's ok...she coined this phrase. Basically, when I have extra trash (and this time, I have a shit ton) I have to sneak around and dump extra trash into my neighbors' less full bins. I'm lucky. This week, the hillbillies down the street have been evicted, so they have arranged for a bulk pickup....tonite around midnite, I'll be placing my extra trash amongst their diminuitive landfill in their front lawn.
Monday, June 28, 2010
My former landlord rant....
God, this guys sucked ass...had no brains....was ignorant as fuck....place was such a dump...after a weekend of fixing my deck and doing yard work, I reflect upon the joy of home ownership vs. living as a peasant.....
I don't know where to begin with this guy, but he's about as poor a landlord as one can be. He allowed our septic tank to overflow into our yard, toilets, and basement for 6 months and then had the balls to tell us when we moved out that the house still had "pet odor" and we would need to pay to have the house cleaned....even though the house still has raw sewage muck caking the basement wall and floors.
If that story isn't enough to not make you vomit/not rent from this clown, I have a million others....here are just a couple from our 1 yr spent living as his serf... Slumlords like him belong on campus or Mogadishu for that matter, not on the northside. He never fixed any problems in a timely fashion and when it was finally "fixed" it was a half assed job. He poured gravel over the basement window wells bc the windows were all broken, He refused to fix a broken toilet or replace a toilet that was ruined by sewage backup....the solution was to just hold the flush lever. Bc he's so goddamned broke, he lives next door to this dump in a loft above his garage and annexed part of the yard for himself. He lets his 3 beagles out to bark at 2am just about every nite. He never fixed 3 broken windows in the house, btw it isnt 1912...single pane windows are out. . He will text/email you at 6 am the first of the month to harass and collect rent. Above all, you have to show the place on short notice while you are still living there/moving out. He lets you paint any color, then tells you you have to paint it back and makes an addendum to the lease the day after you do it...remember, this is just a yr of living at this dump....
Unprofessional, uncouth, and just plain ignorant...not a bad guy, I think he has no malicious intent, I think he's completely oblivious to how people need to behave in a society.
I don't know where to begin with this guy, but he's about as poor a landlord as one can be. He allowed our septic tank to overflow into our yard, toilets, and basement for 6 months and then had the balls to tell us when we moved out that the house still had "pet odor" and we would need to pay to have the house cleaned....even though the house still has raw sewage muck caking the basement wall and floors.
If that story isn't enough to not make you vomit/not rent from this clown, I have a million others....here are just a couple from our 1 yr spent living as his serf... Slumlords like him belong on campus or Mogadishu for that matter, not on the northside. He never fixed any problems in a timely fashion and when it was finally "fixed" it was a half assed job. He poured gravel over the basement window wells bc the windows were all broken, He refused to fix a broken toilet or replace a toilet that was ruined by sewage backup....the solution was to just hold the flush lever. Bc he's so goddamned broke, he lives next door to this dump in a loft above his garage and annexed part of the yard for himself. He lets his 3 beagles out to bark at 2am just about every nite. He never fixed 3 broken windows in the house, btw it isnt 1912...single pane windows are out. . He will text/email you at 6 am the first of the month to harass and collect rent. Above all, you have to show the place on short notice while you are still living there/moving out. He lets you paint any color, then tells you you have to paint it back and makes an addendum to the lease the day after you do it...remember, this is just a yr of living at this dump....
Unprofessional, uncouth, and just plain ignorant...not a bad guy, I think he has no malicious intent, I think he's completely oblivious to how people need to behave in a society.
If my Pop had facebook...
I like how FB reminds me that my anniversary is Sunday....my Pop forgot his anniversary so many times, it isn't funny...if he had FB, maybe he'd still be married...hmmmm
I chose the 4th of July so I could never forget....well, as long as I have FB, I guess my reasoning was dumb....
I chose the 4th of July so I could never forget....well, as long as I have FB, I guess my reasoning was dumb....
Rhapsody, the puppy
Rhapsody is pretty annoying if you've met her....she's mostly German Shepherd with some Akita sploched in. Well, Rhapsody and Quorra have been relegated to full time outdoor dogs. Quorra behaves, however, Rhapsody just shits too much to ever be inside.
Rhapsody isn't sick and she has a normal digestive system....she just..well, she just eats everything....rabbits, birds, trees, tree bark, leaves, grass, grass seed, pieces of the deck, etc......so when eating everything all the time, you get sick all the time. Rhapsody shits violent projectile liquid all of the time.
I have awoken to her shitting in my house twice. One time, I witnessed the shitting in real time....she was walking on my new carpet and started freaking out, sniffing her butt and whining as this mudd niagara spew splattered onto my floor. I couldn't be mad at her...her face was like...wtf, I have no control over this involuntary sludge bowel.
She is starting to learn to listen a bit better....however, she loves to drag her ass across my deck....and it leaves a brown chalk mark......I have seen her take breaks from eating to slide her ass...then she returns to eating....it's really annoying, but I get the point...I need to restain and treat my deck....
I mean, don't get me wrong...puppies and kittens are cute...but fuck, they do annoying, destructive shit! When Foofen was 4 wks-6months, she would shit in the house....but she wanted to hide it from us, so she would crawl undeneath our 300 lb hutch and shit there. The crevice that she would slide through was so narrow, that the only way to clean the dumps was if the entire hutch was moved, which sucked major balls.
Rhapsody isn't sick and she has a normal digestive system....she just..well, she just eats everything....rabbits, birds, trees, tree bark, leaves, grass, grass seed, pieces of the deck, etc......so when eating everything all the time, you get sick all the time. Rhapsody shits violent projectile liquid all of the time.
I have awoken to her shitting in my house twice. One time, I witnessed the shitting in real time....she was walking on my new carpet and started freaking out, sniffing her butt and whining as this mudd niagara spew splattered onto my floor. I couldn't be mad at her...her face was like...wtf, I have no control over this involuntary sludge bowel.
She is starting to learn to listen a bit better....however, she loves to drag her ass across my deck....and it leaves a brown chalk mark......I have seen her take breaks from eating to slide her ass...then she returns to eating....it's really annoying, but I get the point...I need to restain and treat my deck....
I mean, don't get me wrong...puppies and kittens are cute...but fuck, they do annoying, destructive shit! When Foofen was 4 wks-6months, she would shit in the house....but she wanted to hide it from us, so she would crawl undeneath our 300 lb hutch and shit there. The crevice that she would slide through was so narrow, that the only way to clean the dumps was if the entire hutch was moved, which sucked major balls.
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