No...no towels please...just get out of here...

I suppose this is an old running joke...cleaning ladies who barge in on you.

Well, it happened to me today. Got back to the hotel from a corporate outing around 3. Took off the clothes to the underwear and tshirt and got on the phone to the wifey. When I talk on the phone, I pace. I also had an itch. I'm in my own suite. I entered the hanes boxer briefs with my left hand and began vigorously relieving the itch on my dick. Of course, Somali cleaning lady is in my doorway talking to me.

"Housekeeping?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Soap, conditioner?"
"No." (Still scratching away, in my undies.)
"Towels????"

This woman clearly isn't leaving. 10 seconds have gone by now. Still in my undies and a tshirt, scratching at that fuckin itch.

Rarely am I rude to people. Very, very rarely. Also, I have an anger problem and yell and scream a lot, but when I'm boiling point angry, I speak very softly.

"Lady, no towels please...just...just get out of here. I'm busy."

I understand there is a cultural void here, but my culture of taking out an itch in my undies in my suite is being violated here and that's not right.

Carpooling to/in Ctown...

On business in Cleveland. Things would be much better if I didn't have to drive, but my coworker in the territory next to mine has a van, which is ideal for carpooling. The company is always looking to save money, so by driving up to Ctown together, plus for social events, the van comes in handy to scoot everyone around.

If we can get there in one piece.

Unfortunately, my coworker, who I love to death and is one of the most god fearing men alive, happens to be one of those horrible central Ohio drivers. We have been beeped at at least 10-15 times on the way up and out and about Ctown. It is frightening. Merging into other cars, cutting people off, going 35 in the left lane on the highway...we are doing it all...and I'm riding shotgun giving directions via my TomTom, since he doesn't know how to use it.

I hope to be home tomorrow in one piece.

Wahhhh...I miss you...Daddy, send more money

If only life was this hard....go to college overseas...be in love...not have enough time with your significant other, only b/c you have the luxury of traveling EVERYWHERE for free.

Charity 5k...on a scooter....

I'm all about coming out for a community event. A charity 5k is honorable, except when it's ruined by people. You have the local runner's club...the crush everyone. But this past weekend, I saw a first. Behemoth bitch running (what do you call it???) the 5k...on a scooter. Unbelievable. She had a runner's number and everything. She was getting in everyone's way. She was even getting tired from operating the scooter and had to take a 30 second break. Awesome.

Brutal Commercial Time...Again....

Ok, can't help this one. Awful song, awful acting, awful dancing (wow, let's set white folk back several million years and play on that stereo type...oh, but that's ok), awful product (heineken=rolling rock...might as well be Wester PA deer piss) awful casting...it's very quick (aka, much easier to see on a 46 inch HDTV). Notice the singing driver at 0:20. He clearly makes the commercial. Great, raspy, Louis Armstrong voice. However, this guy was not capable of driving the car. At 0:24, there is a much younger, thinner driver. So awfully noticeable, I thought I'd mragh.

Product Rave...

Every now and then, I am compelled to rave about a product that I simply adore.

Awhile back, I went on here dissing LaCrosse brand nail clippers. I have found its opposite. The Trim brand nail clippers are the best nail clippers on the planet.

Of course, you will spend a couple more bucks on them...but fuck, how often do you use a fucking nail clipper? Yeah, seriously...like all the fuckin time! Buy this shit.

First off, blades are sharp as fuck, combine that with a concise and powerful lever action that allows you to use minimum force to chop through even my 1/8 inch toenails (revolting).

It also has a catch pan built in along the sides and underneath the blade. This catches a few of those pesky stray nails that are so often dropped with mortal nail clippers (and then you discover them like 2 weeks later when it goes through your foot).

Mike Vick...Who wins?

I'm too lazy to look up the company, but the construction company that Mike Vick is going to "work" for is the big winner in this shit. You know they have some kind of backroom deal to go easy as fuck on Vick so he can get out early and work out. In exchange, they get a cut of his NFL contract...when and if it comes (Jerry Jones).

Quit mooching off your parents...

Wow: Mragh!


Seriously, everyone...now more than ever, with the bad economy...QUIT MOOCHING OFF OF YOUR PARENTS! I dunno if you knew this...but if you are 18+, you are considered an adult now! If you are out of college...go get a fucking job...any job. Move out, take some fucking responsibility and ownership for yourself. How long are you going to live with your parents, let them pay your rent/mortage, your cell phone, your car, your insurance, etc??? C'mon. We are becoming Europeans at an astonishing rate! I don't want to hear, "Oh, I can't find a job right now. Own it. Humble yourself. Go take a stepping stone job that will pay your bills until the economy improves and you can find a better one. Unless you're a Gatsby lush, that's what your parents did to succeed!

Mitch Albom's hair...

Mitch Albom's hair.

Watching Sports Reporters, now...it's a pretty lame shows nowadays. I like Mike Lupica...he's not a bad commentator or writer. The host, John Saunders is a black Canadian...and makes every single story a race issue. Dude, I could understand if you grew up in Alabama...however, there is definitely no such thing as racism in Canada...so shut the fuck up.

Anyways, one of the frequent contributors is mushy feel good writer and sports reporter Mitch Albom (Tuesdays with Morrie, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven)...WTF is up with his hair? Mr. Spock called and he wants his cut back!

GG Allin-I had never heard of this guy...Funny Shit!

Some of the most entertaining shit I've ever seen!

This guy died of an overdose...thank god...but basically, he was an awful hillbilly musician who would fight people, throw his shit, piss, rape, etc on stage. Amazing!

There's something to learn...

From a Mob boss who made his millions in dirty money, beat the Feds, did his time in jail, quit the mob, never took witness protection, cleaned up his life...and lived to tell about it. There are probably more than a "few" literal life lessons to be learned from Michael Frazese. His latest book is linked below. Even though his money was dirty, Franzes was more of a businessman than any Mafia boss since Al Capone. From his Gas Tax Scheme, he pulled in 10 Million a week alone. In his latest book, he talks about business...grab it.

"That nite I was made in 1980...I was with 6 other guys. Not one of them is alive today. Not one of them died of natural causes. I outlasted everyone in the life."

I'm do dabble in conspiracy theory, but nothing too crazy. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this guy is kept alive by the mob for all his business deals and it's just another scheme.


http://www.amazon.com/Ill-Make-Offer-Cant-Refuse/dp/1595551638

Helping you find a car...

I've never purchased a car. I've never owned a car. I've either borrowed a car or had one provided for me at work.

But ask any one of the handful of friends that has gone car shopping with me and they will attest that I am indeed the best person on the planet to go shopping with.

Meanwhile, I am helping another...and yes, I'm still dominating.

On a more hilarious note...who the fuck would buy a car on craigslist???

http://columbus.craigslist.org/ctd/1168871118.html

Welcome to the real world, now....

So, after you get drunk with your drinking buddy college friends for the last time, and after you go out to Carrabba's with your parents for your celebratory graduation dinner...and then they kiss you goodbye...let me be the first to say...welcome.

Hopefully, you're set up and you're going back home to work for Daddy's business or Daddy's friend's business. Hopefully, you have something lined up for the short term or shit, even an awful entry-level position will do these days....fuck, even a waiting job...I hope you do...b/c it's a bear out here...it really is. Maybe you'll move to LA and pursue that acting wet dream...now as irresponsible and reckless as that may seem to your parents...tell them to suck on some stones...to pursue a dream like that, there's absolutely no better time than now to do it...there's very little opportunity right now...so why the fuck not??? You're going to probably end up short-term being a barista or waiter anyways!! If ya got dreams, go after 'em! Hopefully, your parents will continue to fund you. Hey, for many of you...it won't be soooo bad...it will continue like it did in college...which was an extension of high school...it will be as if things never ended! And your parents will continue to pay your way until you die!

There's nothing you could have done in college to prepare for this reality...it was all lies....there was not a single truth that you learned along the way...and this is coming from someone who supposedly "made" it. I make $50 g, I've got a house, cars, 5 pets, a rock band, and I'm getting married in a few months. I've done pretty well for myself...and ask anyone...I was a FUCKING MESS when I graduated! If you got a useful degree, you're more than halfway there...but it will be useless if you are a social outcast. if you got a useless degree like me, I hope you can talk/communicate with people...and I hope you can get people to like you (networking).

Welcome to bills, to massive responsibility, to the worst economy since the Carter Administration, to taxes (the day you will realize that your profs you agreed with who professed liberal diatribe were wrong, especially with their 15 hr work weeks). Welcome to debt out the ass...serious mutha fuckin debt, to mac'n'cheese EVERY nite, to a new wardrobe that you can't afford for your new job (go to goodwill or redtagcrazy.com), to bosses, to your bosses bosses, to a shithole apartment in a bad part of town with too many sketchy and annoying roommates, to several moves by yourself and a U-haul (enjoy loading that fuck/beer stained couch you stole from the quad dumpster by yourself). Welcome to 40, 50, 80 hour work weeks, to overpriced rent, to inefficient houses so your energy costs are out the ass, welcome to kicking that drinking and/or drug habit you picked up (don't worry, it won't last...even that $10 case of Nati, $15 bar bill, and dime bag of $30 shwag will be out of reach...unless you really are stupid, at which point you will figure that out...if the 85 yr old greeters at walmart don't cause something to click in your head...I mean, you will hopefully make the right decision...rent or drank? hmmm). Welcome to the end of "free sex" (I mean, you may hit it lucky once a month, but it will never be like college!) so I hope you remembered how dating worked in high school (and now the women have even more expensive tastes!!!), welcome to working two jobs, to working weekends, to fitting your professional, personal, social, recreational, and sleep life into a 24 hr day...into a 168 hr week, welcome to 6 hrs max of sleep a nite and performing at the highest level, welcome to never skipping class/responsibility again!, to no more summer vacation (unless you're a slacker teacher...lucky fucks! And no, I didn't vote for your raise on that last levy! You only work 40 hr weeks and have summers off and more vacation than striking French postal workers! MRAGH!). Welcome to craigslist, to making careerbuilder.com you homepage as you feel like a filthy whore as you are constantly looking to upgrade from that shitty entry-level position you have, welcome to 100 resumes a week, to real life...bitch.

I have been asked by the wise graduates and soon to be graduates...what is it most that you miss from college?

There are quite a few luxuries I miss...but if I had to pick one, it would probably have to be the time. I played varsity sports, took 20 hrs of class, was "involved" with my frat/social scene, and even picked up a part-time job in my last year...and I thought I was busy! Nope...wrrrong...rack me on that one...you will wonder where all your time went. I promise you, don't be surprised if you cut your fantasy sports habit or if you play video games less than 30 hrs a week...the time is coming!

So get ready...life isn't fair and it's not all unicorns and scratch'n'sniff smell good stickers...open dat ass reallllly wide.

Now, enough of that doom and gloom...how did I make it?

Be relentless. Spit in the face of your detractors...trust yourself that the responsible decisions you are making are the right ones! Let everyone else sleep in...they've either fallen ass over end into a good situation or their ass is already pre-lubed.

Apply everywhere...and to anything. If it pays $30 gs, go for it!

Shut no door on yourself...let the person of authority make the decision (that's their job). I had 2 yrs less work experience than my job required, minimal retail experience, and beat out 320 candidates for my position (were you one of 'em, bitch?) If you don't think you may be qualified, apply anyways!

Pump out 100 plus resumes a week. Sounds bad, but with all the jobs sites...this is cake...all it takes is some hard work!

Stay unsatisfied...you will be miserable, but you will get what you need out of life in both the short and long term.

Accept the hand you have been dealt and make the most of it. This is the one I struggle with. I have lived a life of many...and I mean many "ifs." A lot of things will not go your way. Find a way to deal with them...I chose to drink initially and complain about how I got screwed...not the best way. Now, I still complain and think what If?...but I have found other ways to cope...by staying busy!

Know that you will get your head above water. No matter how bad it will get, even if you have to strip or work two jobs for 5 yrs....one day, if you are doing the right things and working your ass off...you will make it in this world...this is America...no matter how shitty we all think it is, there are people making homemade rafts and crossing the ocean and FUCKIN DYING to get here...they are stowing away on oil ships...they are crossing deserts...no, mutha fucker...there is no better place to build a life than here...even with the past 3 idiots in the white house

I guess what I have found out about the American Dream...whatever yours is...you may not get there...you may not get close...it's only b/c we are conceited and have too great of expectations...if you do the right things and work hard, you will be rewarded. You will find some kind of wealth, love, little house in the suburbs with an alright looking wife and kids, etc.

So, grads...get out there...make me proud! If you hated the malaise of college, all the useless bullshit you had to learn, and you are excited about getting paid to do work instead of paying for work...you might do well for yourself!

Milestones

Maybe it's stupid...but, there are a lot of firsts that we as human beings go through in the stages of life.

1st kiss, 1st car, apartment on your own, etc.

I found this one interesting...and much less expensive/costly/regrettable than most...first garden hose.

It symbolizes prosperity...water for the garden and the yard for your first house. It also represents times of frustration...cleaning up mushed pet shit on your rug, spraying out the veggie drawer of your fridge b/c unbelievably, your fat ass forgot to eat the Costco sized 5 lb bag of spinach....didn't see that one coming.

Just something to think about here on Mother's Day...since I'm estranged from my abusive, drunken, pill addicted heifer of a Mom.

Larper search continues...

Find me a real larper...

Monsterquest....

I watch this show...I usually dvr it. It's on the History Channel. The premise of the show is to go and quest for real life monsters...you dumbasses.

The show can basically be broken down like this. I give them credit...the stories they typically have are pretty damn interesting, at least for us with a mild interest in cryptozoology. From Bigfoot, prehistoric bears, lake monsters, etc...it's some pretty good stuff.

I watch it for the stories. The first hand accounts are typically interesting, especially if the witness appears to be credible enough (aka, has a job, family, a normal name). But then, the show takes a sorry ass turn...the actual "quest" as in performing a mini expedition to find the creature.

This is the worst part. They bring in experts, scientists, enthusiasts, and the proper tech and vehicle crews for the quest. These quests never turn up anything much of anything conclusive except for the giant squid and giant shark episode (these creatures were already known to exist). Since the evidence the crew gathers is so shitty, it often does harm to the possibility of the creature.

For instance, this week the crew was in search of a Lake Monster in British Columbia. They found a badly decomposed piece of meat at the bottom of the lake. Since it was so unusual and unrecognizable, they brought it to the lab all excited. After a quick DNA test, it was ruled with 100% accuracy that it was salmon. Fuck...and these experts were all excited!

On another more fruitful adventure concerning bigfoot, supposedly a bigfoot ransacked a family's summer cabin. He had allegedly stepped on a plank that had nails and screws facing up (very safe, btw) and left some DNA behind. They took it back to the lab and could not trace the DNA...of course, this doesn't mean anything...as the material could have been damaged, etc.

The show will always disappoint you in the end. I don't know why I continue to watch it. Lame.

Heard this song on the radio the other day...

Fuck...they are good...

Cinco de Mayo...

My apologies to my Mexican decent readers...but today, being your holiday...it's time for me to make fun of you!

The truth about Cinco de Mayo...and no, it's not about pounding margaritas at El Vaquero's.

This may be the lamest of holidays...this is how the flow chart reads:

-Mexico's broke ass stopped paying interest on its loans from European powers.
-The French (Holy shit!) got pissed and invaded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The French got their asses kicked on May 5th, 1862 (typical).
-The French returned and conquered Mexico within a year (Mexico, you are brutal).
-France installed a puppet regime.
-The US pressured France to get out...and they did in 1866.
-For some reason, this holiday is still recognized.

This is like the US celebrating a Saigon Day. I guess when your history consists of nothing but being constantly conquered and exploited, you have to celebrate such meager accomplishments...like beating the French...and then getting conquered by them.

Watch for Motorcyclists...

Tell me if I'm wrong.

If you live in OH, you have probably noticed this massive campaign for safer motorcycling as the weather has slooooowly begun to warm.

Look it...I'm fine with the fact that there are quite a few people who like to motorcycle, ok. I don't mind...If you get off to that shit, fine. You have accepted the risks. You know damn well the danger you are getting yourself into. But I also know this....over half of you don't wear helmets, drive like dumbasses, speed excessively, drive drunk, hide in my blind spot, weave in and out of traffic, pop wheelies at 100 mph on the highway...etc.

So, when I'm driving on 270 and I see the traffic update sign flash me the signal of, "Motorists, watch your blind spots for motorcyclists!" I say suck it. I seriously doubt the rise in Ohio motorcycle fatalities in recent years has little to anything to do with our already shitty drivers driving any worse only with motorcyclists around. It has more to do with these same bad driving doofs getting into or onto their motorcycles that they suck even worse at operating, driving drunk, speeding, no helmet... mraghmraghmraghmragh-mragh!

I think it's even more ironic that the local government mandates that everyone needs to wear safety belts, yet, if you want to cruise down the road in a motorized, open bike with no helmet...go for it, bro! Dumb.

For the law-abiding motorcyclist, my apologies...but you know damn well that there are quite a few assholes in your brethren.

Yes...this shit is real

Myself and fellow contributor Mevs were discussing this topic today. We are going to do a follow up special on this...our goal is to seek out a Larper...if you know one, we want to conduct an interview...yes, my major was initially journalism...so it will be professional.

Alright, minions...find me a Larper!

If you want to lose a finger...

Break your big toe nail in half, swear so much you will guarantee yourself a spot in hell, throw out your back, pinch your pinkie, and have a stroke and heart attack...go ahead and put one of these dog crates together.

I don't consider myself special ed. I'm no Bob Villa, but I'm decently handy. I'm telling ya...a dog crate is a nightmare. It's basically working a three-dimensional puzzle made out of coathangers that folds like a suitcase and harms you. I dunno who designs these things, but they are not durable.

I'm sure if they are brand new, they behave fine. But ours is a little older...and when you have a 100 lb beast caged up and ramming into the sides of this thing, it tends to get bent out of shape. Because of these minor shifts, the intent of the initial design leaves no room for error. If there is even the slightest change from the original shape...fucked. So, in areas where a corner fit nicely or a piece that snaps into another piece once were harmonious, now they are oblong and require much extra effort just to get the damn thing to fit.

I did get the fucker, up though. I hope your happy.

The Dancing Piss Girl, Kira

Sorry folks...I've been out of town...final wedding plans.

As a treat, my soon to be Motnher In-law got us all great seats to the Fort Wayne Komets minor league hockey game. It's a wonderful time for the most part...a great facility and pretty quality hockey. I've lucked out. I've been to two games here. The first was an overtime brawlfest and Komet victory. Last nite's game was a 7-1 Komet mauling and now they are up 2-0 in the Turner Cup finals.

But as I am always aware of and why I prefer to stay home and watch most sporting events on tv...I simply don't enjoy people.

I will provide the panoramic view from my seat. Directly in front was extreme mullet and goatee with his wife, catcher's mitt face. She wore an overwhelming cheap ass eau du K-mart perfume...it reeked like sulphur. To their right was what I think was their offspring and his friends. They were all wasted and making fun of one of the Muskegon players for his mullet. I mean...dude, your father has a monster mullet...right?

And of course, directly behind us was a hillbilly family. Father and monther just trying to get their drink on...and were obviously terrible parents. As soon as they sat down behind us, their little 6 year old bitch of a daughter started throwing a fit that she had to go to the bathroom. Father Drank said, "Kira...der derp, you set yur ass down...we just tuk ya."

I mean, she reeked of piss anyways. I remember arriving and I simply could not place the scent. But, my fiancee leaned over and said, "The little girl behind me...she reeks of piss."

Unfortunately, Kira the piss girl was a rambunctious dancer...and this was encouraged by her parents. She kept dancing and her gyrations were wafting her piss smell down upon us. Like a great cloud. It was probably the reason why the Muskegon goalie sucked so bad. The press, talking to him.

"What was your biggest struggle tonite...why were the Komets so successful?"
"Ahh, shit...ya know...honestly. There was this smell...like a cloud...it kinda fucked with my visibility...it made my eyes water...I think it was a piss girl."

To cap the nite, with about 5 mins left in the 3rd period, the dancing piss girl, Kira, was put on the jumbo tron. In the immediate foreground, was my irate fiancee...the look on her face was both homicidal and hilarious!