Brought to you by the guy who wears a bluetooth to dinner...

One nite last month, while out to dinner with my fiancee at Outback, I was crushing Wallaby-Darns with an extra shot of vodka. They are a fantastic drink...frozen, peach schnapps, vodka, champagne...and to de-bitch it, I get an extra shot. Awesome drink.

Well, I'm gettin busy on my drank and in walks two couples, all in their early 30s. They think they are hot shit...like all dressed up...for fuckin Outbuck? They were the fuckin hipster techy type...ya know, they found Outback by using their Restaurant Finder App...cunts.

Well, this one ass had a bluetooth in...or so I thought until I saw the above commercial! Bingo!

I was rippin on this asshole..."Who the fuck wears a bluetooth to dinner ona Friday nite???" I was layin into the shloom. Well, now I know better...he was wearing a Loud'n'Clear hearing device...he had to have heard every little thing I said about him! Well, the jokes on me...but unlike in the commercial where the people eavesdrop and hear only nice things...this guy heard the dark side of the Loud'n'Clear...I hope he threw the piece of shit away.

I like to think that this guy spent all his time finding this device...ya know, before the commercial came out...like he drove to the nearest Stuckey's in Kentucky to beat everyone to it. Like...he lives at trendwild.com.

Well, I thought I'd share...in case you can't hear me.

John Madden style breakdown of the Subway commercial...

I gotta take the time to break down this stupid commercial...just like John Madden on the telestrator..."Mrr..mah, mer..BOOM...TURDUCKEN!" To enjoy this and get the full experience, please freeze frame as directed.

0:06-Poor bastard. I wouldn't know how to react to this shit, either.

0:08-We can't see the other customers' faces, but Jesus H. Christ, we know they are horrified.

0:10-Baby talking dance grad student...here's your career line, bitch. Seizure inducing human strobe light dancing commences.

0:12-Pole dancing on a dude at Subway..."Any footlong will do for me!!" Also notice the face of nerdy ass girl working behind the counter emo wobbling...saying, "fuck, I don't belong in this commercial." She's definitely the worst dancer and thanks to smart casting, she got stuck behind the counter for this one.

0:14-More human strobe light dancing, this time erratic, separate dance moves now. Bitch in red sweater towards center leaps in the air! Holy shit! Dude next to her...standing on table...definitely making his father proud. Guy in blue at his 5 o'clock does faggerell walk like an Egyptian move.

0:15-More emo wobbling from the bitch who got cut from the dance team.

0:18-Which dude is butt fucking the guy ordering...right or left? Fuck, this poor sap isn't happy about this...at all. All he wanted was a sandwich!

0:20-Guy on the left looks like a live Kermit THE Frog...he wants a cock. Now, poor sap is surrounded by hands...there are hands coming from the bottom of the frame...they are female hands, so you know where their faces are...notice, the clothes on the arms match the two pole dancer girls from 0:12...so, they are in prime service position. Obviously, these are the sluts of the dance team.

Of all the awful things to happen in a Subway, I think being attacked by a ravenous, horny group of dancers is pretty scary when all you want is a sandwich. I do eat at Subway occasionally...and when I do...I'm always...ALWAYS watching my back...

The Reason for a new practice location for my band....

So, with the new house...it only made sense that my band make it the new practice spot.

There's nothing wrong with where we used to practice. It's just my place has more room...and, well we want to leave our gear there and it just isn't that safe to do so.

My guitarist and I don't have the nicest shit...but let's just say our drummer has extremely nice gear...shit that we can't afford to get stolen.

Our guitarist's house (the old practice space) is across the street to some gang bangers...exhibit A is his wife's wallet and cellie were stolen from her car last week while it was parked in the driveway. Exhibit B is the amount of questionable characters who gathered outside last week's after practice pack up.

They were hawking us...thinking about if they could take us...if they could get the gear. Like a pack of hyenas waiting around a kill. There's no doubt what they wanted to do...but the 230 lb man, the 270 lb man, and the 280 lb man loading up their shit were the only things in their way.

There were about 10 of them. But they must not have had a gun and there was no way they were gonna think about doin it by hand. As I mentioned, we are all very big guys and if there was a scrum, they definitely would not come away with any gear...and if they made it out with their lives, they'd be missing teeth and portions of their faces.

But my drummer left before I did...and I was parked in the street...and I had one speaker left to load.

From the dark, I head a guy ask if I needed a hand with that. By the tone in his voice, there was nothing sincere about it at all...AT ALL. It was menacing. It was hopeful...like the same tone you use when you ask a drunk girl to take off her panties. My asshole brother later pointed out that it would be amusing to watch me chase some skinny guy down while he ran lugging my speaker and that it would be a fair chase! Hahahha. I politely told him no and shoved that fuckin speaker in as quickly as possible.

So my place is great for practice...it's by no means perfect...but great acoustics, an open floorplan in the basement...minus a few poles, and it needs a few more lights. Problem is...I'm the new neighbor and my landlord happens to be one of my adjacent neighbors....and, I'm just an over courteous person anyways...I don't want to ruin anybody's day just b/c I'm playing devil music.

So, we started jamming today and it was loud...definitely audible outside...but my landlord confirmed that the one set of neighbors couldn't hear it, as he talked to them by phone. My landlord was over, serving as my temporary bitch...fixing up my screened in porch...he didn't give a fuck about the noise...in fact, he thought we were pretty fuckin good! He doesn't care that we practice..."it's one of the things that comes with having a house."

Wow, I hit the jackpot on the new joint...now, if only I can find where I put my hoodie.....

My Disturbing Internet Habits

I have done something today that I think is vile and disgusting. It is something I have told myself I would never do...and I have done it.

I have spent the entire day watching a website that is listing designer denim at ridiculous discount prices...I refuse to stop watching the site until the jeans I want pop up.

I know. It looks stupid. It looks like an addiction. IT IS. I had to leave the computer for a few hours at a time...I had to take my fiance's blackberry so I could make sure that if my jeans came up...I had someone who could get to the computer and order them for me. Is that so wrong? I'm never ever ever like this...but I have been lusting after these jeans for almost 2 years. They are normally around $200 and I could not justify spending that on jeans...but they are the best pair of jeans on you will ever see...and that's why they are so expensive....so if this site can lure me in with a possibility of buying them for $50...it must be done. I must waste an entire day waiting....waiting aimlessly to click a button. I feel like a fool...but a fool who could buy 4 pairs of the jeans for what a single normal pair costs.

If they don't pop up before the night ends...I don't know what I'll do. I'll have wasted the whole day for nothing. At least I hung some curtains while waiting I guess.

Oh brother...I'm pathetic.

Casper TP Roll

I'm in my first house. There is a lot to get used to. For one, nothing is put away, my new furniture is coming tomorrow, my new big screen is comin on Tuesday...and nothing is put away except for my bed/work table.

There is much to put away...and much to get used to. New creaks and groans. So my fiancee, being paranoid, was hearing something..and of course, I was nominated to go see what was the matter. I didn't find anything.

Sure enough, the next day, I was taking a 2 and heard the same sound as the nite before. In my bathroom, the tp roll sits on the wall directly above the air vent. The air flow was causing the tp roll to be altered, making quite a racket. What are the chances?

Andrew...you are not the father.

This is always played on the Jim Rome Show for obvious reasons...ignorance from every angle...the whore of a woman, the celebrating nondad, the awful audience, the evil host, the eviler tv producers/execs. Love it!

Some places just literally stank...

71 southbound through Columbus. Just as you hit the southern limits of the city, bam it hits you. Your nostrils start to curl. Your olfactory glands catch afire. Your eyes water...you lose control of your bowels...and have to regain awareness to avoid crashing your vehicle.

There is just a smell about the south side that is unique and horribly awful. Yes, I'm aware...there is a landfill and sewage treatment facility there. But, the wind only blows in one direction. How can it be that no matter where you go, it still has got that stank!?!!

Chillicothe, OH is no different. My friend was unfortunate enough to have been born there (not trying to be an elitist asshole here, I mean, I was born in fucking South Hartford) and he says it is because of a paper mill. A PAPER MILL??? What are they making, butt filthy toilet paper made from diarrhea trees?? Are all the factory workers emus? (Again, if you get to visit a zoo...take a whiff of the emus...they are as foul as can be).

I have noticed in my travels that the locals are immune to the smell! They leave no disposition or even a hint that there is that terrible smell in the air! Have they evolved? Or have they just blocked it out? Have they grown accustomed to the smell of dirty diaper meets turned perch? It was so bad one day in south Columbus, that I had some kind of asthma attack. I asked an old woman passing by, "Lady...do you smell that?" She looked at me like I was fuckin out of my mind.

Natural Beauty...

I'm a stickler for natural beauty. I hate makeup, boob jobs, nose jobs, tummy tucks, hair extensions...really anything cosmetic. This is probably why I'm engaged to a girl who doesn't wear makeup and this is also probably why I've only dated girls who don't wear makeup. It's not for me, I want somebody real...you don't want to be the guy who is fooled into thinking he's got a 10, only to get tricked and have a creature be your spouse that you have to wake up every morning and gag as she only can pull off attractiveness after spending 3 hours in front of a mirror. Guys, if you dig that, you are supporting "high maintenance" and you love to be tortured. Hit eject.

My fiancee is a natural beauty. She doesn't have perfect beauty and she's no 10...and she'd admit it...but she's just as or even more beautiful when she wakes up next to me in the morning (minus the landfill breath) as when she went to bed. Who can say that these days??

Now, not all makeup is bad. I suppose a little eyeliner and lipstick never hurt anyone, but shit...how brutal are you if you're ages 14-30 and you're so fugly, you have to spend 2 hours every morning applying makeup!? Holy shit, right! I guess you gotta do what you gotta do...so gents, beware of these fakes...they're everywhere...no girl is as pretty as they appear! 2 hours application of today's finest makeups can turn a Triceratops into a bella! EEEK!

Ladies, why do you wear all that shit? You are still pretty! I mean, I don't wear makeup...and I look fabulous!! It's all Hollywood's fault. They pump out the perfect image, us guys and gals oogle at the the pretty actresses and want to be them or want a gal like them. Well, if they're "juicing", the girls feel they need to have the same edge!

I was in a debate with a friend the other day who was smitten over some beautiful actress. We place these people on pedestals as the symbol for beauty, when in reality, they are no better looking than any of the girls we have around us! Yet, they are PAID to be beautiful and workout...it's their livelihood. Pay me a couple million a year and I'll flip my disgusting pot belly into a 12 pack and dick muscles in nooo time flat. Seriously, these celebs need to fuck off...this is the best they can do!?

And then you have women who are deemed beautiful. Renee Zellweger...name one thing, if any positive aspect of beauty she has. Kate Hudson...I mean, she's not bad, but certainly not a 10...would it kill her to sprout a bust? Yet, she's heralded as one of the world's most beautiful women!? I can go out on the town right now in Columbus, OH...not know for it's pretty girls...and find at least a 100 prettier gals. (But I won't, bc my fiancee would kill me). Angelina Jolie is pretty? Ask the Donald...and he's right...although his tastes in women are meh. Paris Hilton??? Really? I wasn't that impressed with the tape, honestly.

When it comes to pretty ladies, you gotta have a good eye...that makeup can be covering up a lot.

Some guy personallity traits we cannot stomach...

Sexaggerator-I think as young boys hitting puberty, we all have exaggerated how our date went last nite...maybe we invented some scenarios, even stretched a nip feel up the shirt into a double (with the capper). But, at some point, you mature as a man and stop doing that shit...well, the majority of the population does. You still have guy who proclaims loudly on Saturday morning, "Oh...I had this chick, and she did this, this, and this to me...and then we fucked again." Yet, everyone knows it wasn't true b/c your friend saw him at Lowe's last nite looking for hardware or the girl said she didn't go out on the date with him...or we can't seem to find any evidence of a girl...dudes, stop it.

Bum-The weather is nice...and yep, they're everywhere...and with the economy, there should be even more. Dear Bum, my taxes are already paying for your ass...no, I can't spare anymore change.

Drive Faster Guy: Hey, I can live with 5 mph over the speed limit in the passing lane...even 10 mph on the interstate. But when I'm passing someone on I-70 in the left lane and I'm already staring at a hefty ticket and some dude comes flying outta nowhere and gets on my ass, even though I'm only 2 seconds away from getting back in the right lane...it's preposterous! Slow the fuck down...you won't kill yourself, others, and you won't get a ticket!

Epic Olympian Mange Swampy Butt Rot/BO Haven- Dude, we all had health class...and if not, we all had a parent/guardian, or we had common sense enough to clean ourselves. I'm no Seacrest when it comes to hygiene, but fuck...some guys just don't get it! They are everywhere...the gym, the bar, the store, in your home even! Gents, wash up! There's nothing worse than fecal matter coming through your pants and getting on my furniture.

Post Collegiate Frat Boy-College is over! Yes, you're 25-30 now and may still live at home working a part-time job for your parents...but the dream is over...start stimulating the economy and put your degree to work.

Help Me, I'm Fat- This is where I need to straighten up...I annoy myself! I love food and booze and I don't make the time for myself to work out. It's my own fault. I just don't like it, that's all. Well, we all have areas in our lives to improve on, and like many of you reading these and going, "fuck, is that me?", no better time than today to get crackin on it!

Notorious Man Whore-But I have a gf...I'm mature...I cheat on her non-stop and she doesn't know...sooner or later, you're going to bring something home to her and it isn't a gift basket. And you will ruin her life and yours...and the kids' lives, if you have them.

ESPN Certified Sports Nerd-I don't care what stats you know or which analyst you are copycatting...you never played a single sport so how can you have any right to a take?

Power Monger-It's all about you. You are the master of politicking and back stabbing...you will take anything that renders you a tad more authority, even if it is faux.

Beer for the enlightened...

I love beer.

With that said, I thought I'd thump my cock on the table and at least provide my favorites.

For when I'm rich:

Dude, you just nailed that big deal, you're feeling like a million cold ones...dude, get yourself a 12 of Czechvar or Stella. Fuck, these are good beers. Original, pure, and quite European. They originate from fabled breweries with histories that dance around the origins of beer...so why not check out what they've been doing for all these centuries. This is the dew of the gods.

For when you are doing aight:

I love Molson Golden. Just a slight hint of sweetness. Molson is the oldest brewery in North America...so yes, like the aforementioned European beers, they know what they are doing. Please take the time to indulge.


For when you are just meh:

Miller Lite for me...how could you go wrong? Budweiser even concocted Bud Select to mimic this beer. For the money...you can do no wrong. Miller Lite will have you asking, "What is drinkability?" Oh yeah, it's what happens when you suck down a goato.

Now for somehting a little beefier, I recommend JW Dundee's Honeybrown...it is tremendously sweet, smooth, and heavy, so beware. Better than watery, pissy, and semeny like Heineken.

For when you are broke:

I'm gonna take some shit for this...but then again, everyone has their own poor man's beer...I'm with PBR and Miller High Life. Both will crush your will to get drunk. Both will ease the strain on your wallet, but of course, when we are this depressed, we know that the ease isn't that much as the strain it is putting on us is usually our last few bucks.


Enjoy the beers...fuck Budweiser...bitch beer.

My Mooch Friend

I think mostly everyone has that one friend who you love to death that will rob you blind. That guy that when he shows up to your house, he is 2/1 odds to walk to the fridge and see whats in there. That guy who will ding you for gas money even though he was making the trip somewhere anyways. That fuckin' guy who will somehow keep track of everything he does for you and somehow always comes out ahead; not leaving you a chance to get even.

Do you have a friend like that? Because I do.

I've known this fella since we were toddlers really. We grew up neighbors. We used to trade baseball cards and one time he convinced me to give him a Mike Schmidt rookie card (valued over $100 at the time) for a Darryl Strawberry Bowman piece of shit worth 20 cents. He exploited my weakness because he knew I loved Darryl Strawberry. My mom made me trade him back, and he didn't forgive me for it for a long time. But fuck that, he shouldn't have boned me like that.

He is the kind of distinguished gentleman who will not do any work for you without something in it for him. He is simply not wired that way. Even if he messes up and does you a small favor by accident, you still owe him in his mind. He is Steve Polychronopolous. He will eat the last slice. You will get him an extra Yankee ticket, and he'll show alright. He will accept money from your parents for mowing your lawn. He will rub elbows with those that can benefit him most. He winds up being friends with people from all walks of life that own a boat for his fishing use, or four wheelers to drive whenever, or even plug your toilet with his giant shits.

He will take off work to go hunting and do things with his family, but the one day you want him to take off work for a ballgame he cannot make it (unless the ticket is free and you put together an enticing enough package for him to not be able to decline).

There is no woman on earth who doesn't desire him, just ask him. You went out with so and so? Well she liked him at one point. Seriously. He'll tell you that.

If you have just sat down to enjoy a nice dinner, expect him to tell you that "he's never had that (dish) before". That is his way of asking nicely can he have some. And he will always stick his fork in your shit and if he likes it (and he always does) he will not mind coming back for seconds and thirds and more. He'll then most likely cordially anounce that your dinner was really good and he'll have to get it himself sometime (bullshit).

His idea of buying you lunch is a $4 dollar salad at Wendy's. Order water. You will not question his values, his family, or anything he does. Because it was simply better then the way you were brought up. His way is the best way, you see.

He is that guy who took his homecoming date out in highschool and forgot his wallet. You were his best friend so you had to buy both of their dinners, you weren't going to let him wash dishes. He will discredit your accomplishments, talking most often about things he has done to top yours. His greatest ballgames in his glory days were much better then yours.

Love em to death though. Every had a mooch friend?

Props...

I've been MIA...all apologies. Special props to Mevs for holding down the fort while I move, close the quarter strong, help organize a fundraiser, and finish my band lineup.

Sofa Shopping...disguised as a poor person

It's a central Ohio thing...people are very quick to judge, b/c let's face it, the number of old money, blue bloods around here are few and far between.

So, you are stuck in a situation of a bunch of wanna-be big timers, the nouveaur riche trash...yes, the people in over the head on the $350,000 mortage, beamer, etc...and they only work as a modest furniture salesman.

I purchased a new frontroom set a few weeks ago and it was a fascinating experience. Of course, on my off days, I have ZERO interest in dressing up. None. I go out in my scrubby clothes...with my fiancee...also a scrubster, and I'm telling ya...if you wanna just go browse anything...cars, electronics, furniture, fine art, etc...just wear a tshirt and sweat pants...you won't get approached by any of the conceited, fur nosed salesman.

We went to a furniture store and were eventually approached by a female sales rep who provided us with very little attention. She basically suggested that if we don't find anything, the "discount store" across the street was having a big sale.

I felt like Bill Gates...for those of you who don't know, after his first billion, Gates showed up for a house showing with a realtor wearing only jeans and an old tshirt. The woman told him there was no way that he should be looking at the house, as there's no way he could afford it. Gates purchased the house on principal, alone.

Well, I felt the same way...the only difference was, I couldn't find ANYTHING worthwhile.

So, we went to another store...and again, no interest...except for one female sales rep who casually greeted us. Although we were dressed in scrubs, being that she approached us, she was able to see my fiancee's incredibly rare and incredibly fuckin expensive engagement ring. As a fellow sales rep, all I can say is SMART GIRL.

Sure enough, we walked out of there with a new custom sofa, chaise, and 3 nesting tables. They're comin this weekend...so therefore, I deemed it timely.

Somebody touched my leg!

Fuck you, and your perfect life

I don't care how much money you're gonna have when you 'retiyuh'. You'll spend more time on your yacht with your sailor faggot SAE brothers then the rest of us, I'm sure.

You should coach the rest of the NCAA tournament wearing a pastel-long sleeved polo and a light colored khaki shorts, Wall street homo.

A Rant about Pollocks

I'm not here to make Polish jokes. I'm not racist. I'm just here to tell you that if you're Polish, you need to try a little bit harder then the next person to be humane. It's just the way it is. Work on the simple things; start small. Practice good habits like saying 'thank you'. Be appreciative and humble. Don't speak your mind so often. Don't be so forthcoming with your wants and desires. Realize that the world does not revolve around you. People in this world other then you do hold importance. Learn to smile and laugh. Give a meaninful hug or even handshake. You heard me.

Honestly, I've never understood the stigma towards Italians, Jews, and a horde of other ethnic peoples. However, I have seen over and over firsthand why the Polish have the reputation that they do. In fact, their reputation is far short of where it should be. These people far surpass their stereotype each and every day. I challenge you to meet a swell pollock. Can't happen, won't happen, and even if it does it still didn't really happen.

My first experience with Pollocks came when my uncle married one. Delesk was her maiden name. Full blooded variety of Pole. She's grown on me a lot over the years; but my God did her family and her show my family how cold blooded 'family' could be. They have absolutely no sensitivity towards anyone or anything other then themselves. Selfish doesn't even begin to put it in perspective. They're an ignorant and inconsiderate group of greed mongers and have grown colder and colder with each passing day that they've been part of our family. When my grandmother died unexpectedly, they sent flowers to the funeral home. They didn't show up for the viewing. Then they get upset and will not speak to my family because no thank you note was sent during the grieving process for the flowers! Note to these ignorant bastards: it's not normal procedure.

Aside from my Uncle being required to attend every holiday at the Delesk household and never at the big Italian gatherings at my mother's side of the family; my Pollock aunt by marriage feels that the world revolves around her and her bunch. I learned long ago that they're better then us. Rumor crept out that her family would no longer attend gatherings with our family because 'we are too loud for them'. Now that group of FBI's when they get together are a rowdy bunch, but they're loving and kind people. They listen to you. They scream at eachother but they don't mean it. Fights are followed by hugs. It's a real family thing. But my aunt Lisa, she never says five words at gatherings. Why doesn't she do this? Because reportedly "we scared her". Sorry, the Polish must not disagree with each other. My uncle after a decade of marriage was permitted to bring his wife and kids to our families loud ass holiday gathers on Christmas eve, the day before Easter, the Friday after Thanksgiving and made a handful of birthdays. Thanks for that.

Enough about my Pollock aunt. Whenever her family did questionable things that left you scratching your head after countless acts of warm and kindness; we began to have the same saying after they'd do it. It was best summed up with "well they're Pollocks!" and we left it at that. Damn right I'm bitter about it. If you're Polish I'm sure you guys practice some of these same habits, you cold-hearted sons of bitches!

Another example. I met this gal in college. Pretty girl. But there was a problem. She was totally fucking polish. Like, you couldn't get around it. I soon realized after a few weeks of seeing her that no matter what I did, she was never going to be able to overcome her heritage and be a normal and rational person. She supposively really liked me. But she had a funny way of showing it. I mean this was the most inconsiderate girl I'd ever dated. And by a long shot. You could give her the world and all you'd hear from her if anything was that her daddy did this or that better for her. You dad had a horse farm? Her dad had prettier ponies on his. You found gold walking on the beach? She found diamonds one time. You buy her tickets to a country concert she's been wanting to go to; she does not say thank you. It wasn't that she was a bitch, as I thought in my younger days when I was not as wise in the ways of the woman. She was just polish, man. Things wrapped up with her after she told me she thought it was cool to say goodbyes without actually saying anything. They really are an uncouth group of people folks.

I wish that some genetics scientist could do a long and winded case study on Pollocks and find out what it is in their bloodline that makes them so God damned socially retarded. They are a good for nothing, stingy group of humans. They have no concept of being personable or kind.

If there's a hell, there's a special place reserved for every most Pollocks.

On moving...

I'm moving into a house this weekend. It may not be a big deal to some of you. Some of you have had the option to live in a house in the ghetto or your parents are paying your lease, etc. This is my first house on my own. It's a rent to own situation and it's taken me my whole life to get my first house, so BUTT OUT!

Some of you are helping and getting catered Italian food and free beer. Some of you are assholes and won't help. Some of you I never bothered to ask, bc, well some of you are out of town (and I'm not paying for your ticket to fuckin help me)and some of you are as reliable as a truthful Roger Clemens congressional testimony.

Well, when you move, you obviously gotta clean out your old joint. One of the more bizarre things I have to clean are my one cat, Bebe's gigantic snots.

If you know me or have been a reader, Bebe is our special-ed kitty who has allergies that cause her entire sinus cavity to fill up, solidify, and then she ejects the contents like a volcanic bomb in a vile and wretched sneezing fit...usually ending up on my wall...or leg...or hand.

When Bebe has a sneezing fit, I grab the nearest blanket and cover up. I learned the hard way when one of these fuckers nearly took out my leg like that canon ball did to that sorry mother fucker in the Patriot.

I have included documentation of these massive boogers juxtaposed with a measuring tape. It is shocking.

Might as well plug it...how am I to go about cleaning these gigantic booger pies? Well, we got these nice little "Mr. Clean Magic Erasures." The product really is magical...a little moisture and some elbow grease...the wall is booger free!!! I need to mention that some of these boogers have been on the walls for months!

Leave it to the Irish...and the Catholics...

So the feast day for the patron Saint of Ireland means go get tossed on a Tuesday nite, drunk drive for at least 3 bar hops, go home with a tyrannosaurus, and go to work the next day late and smelling like a brewery.

If this is what it takes to be Catholic, how come there are so many damned Islam converts and born-again Southern Baptists??? As a former Catholic, I demand to understand that despite our liberal, well technically conservative viewpoints on alcohol and gambling, we don't use this as a recruiting tool??? Salvation issues be damned, NOBODY REALLY KNOWS!

Who cares what you call your god or where you stand on the Jesus issue...if we're gonna party like this on feast days, fuck it...I'm in! No wonder why the Romans loved Christianity! Everyday was technically a feast day! This is probably why Christianity grew so fuckin fast...no, it wasn't the promise of everlasting paradise, but a feast fuck drunk fest every feast day of the year.

So, sex scandals, celibacy, and enlightenment are causing the church to fall apart. If it wants to matter, it needs to accept that sin is natural and unavoidable...maybe those ridiculous and corrupt Church leaders during the dark ages had it right.

Who reads...leave some love!

I'm enjoying the following! Really love hearing your feedback or ideas...I probably need a facebook group, don't I. Anyways, if you're reading, I'd love to know and love to hear what you have to say!

Cheers!

A Post about Wrestling

I guess in this case I elect myself as one of the ignorant. When I was a kid, my uncle got me watching WWF Wrestling and believing that it was a sport. Let me clarify that I was not one of the stereotypical (and correctly stereotyped) ignorant, white trash fan base.

I grew up with these guys. I remember where I was when the Ultimate Warrior pinned Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania for the strap. I pretended that I was Bret Hart on recess for much of my elementary years. Every girlfriend I had was Ms. Elizabeth while I was the Macho Man Randy Savage. You can wikipedia all this shit if you need some historical info on any of these cast of characters.

I still find myself tuning into wrestling each week, not because its any good or even entertaining, but because I have nothing better to do. Where as in the past it was very entertaining and while it insulted your intelligence with its storylines, there was some innocence to it all. It was just good, wholesome, fun programming.

Wrestling today sucks ass. They've caved and they cater to the mass of uneducated fans with their sex, violence, and drug addict wrestlers involved in storylines that are supposed to be 'real life'. Okay, we're not stupid. We know that this guy isn't banging so and so's wife and that the acting is so bad we aren't even going to come close to believing it. At least in the past when the guys were drug addicts there was something innocent about it that made the product worth watching.

Now I can say I am fully embarrased to watch wrestling. I don't admit it to anyone, not my friends, not my family, not even my girlfriend (she eventually caught me watching it a little too regularly not just flipping through the channels and now embarrases me in public about it). But I'm not embarrased because I'm a nerd who used to really enjoy it. I'm embarrased because of the shit they put on television each week is so dense that only a true hillbilly could get into it. Only the armpit of our society would really con themselves into cheering for this utter shit.

Two years ago for my birthday my girlfriend got me tickets to a 4 hour live event here in Columbus. We attended and I felt like the politcally or situationally correct thing to do in certain situations was to cheer. Something was wrong though. I felt really stupid cheering and getting fired up for something so cheezy. For the better part of 4 hours I sat there wondering how to act. Finally I just gave up altogether and hoped to leave without seeing anyone that knew me. After that everything I've watched I've taken with a grain of salt. It's just so damn watered down and anyone who followed wrestling back in the late 80's and early 90's knows exactly what I mean by this. It's completely fucking retarded nowadays.

All the cowboys from my era are dead. The remaining are broken and are a sad part of society. Take Jake Roberts for example, he's fallen so far from his heyday, as evidenced by his interview below. Wrestling is a very sad existence folks.

Update.....

The demonic motion sensor activated Mrs. Butterworth brainwashing devices have been disappearing in the stores...only days after they've been put up. Rumor has it that the guy who invented it has been bound and quartered.

Wahhhh...I have finals...Wahhh!!!!!

Ok...I'm gonna level with you. I've been out of school for almost 2 years now and anyone who is in the workforce will be the first to tell you...college ain't shit compared to the grind (especially, if you're in sales)...yes, kiddos...even finals week.

There is a select group of college kids who actually have it basically as bad as us in reality and those are the kids who are putting themselves through school. Not only must they deal with the elongated societal cyst that is college, but they have to work some dogshit job as a fast food attendant, waiter, barkeep, janitor, starbucks, etc b/c they are still a few months away from having a piece of paper that says, "College Graduate" on it. So for you grinders out there, salute!

But typical college kid, nope...don't want to hear how you stayed up all nite doing your final paper or studying for your exams. I've done it. I've paid my dues and I'm telling ya, there's nothing harder than waking up everyday and providing for your loved ones in this shitty economy, or working your fuckin ass off so Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi can stuff their pockets with 40% plus of every one of my paychecks, or so I can pay down my fuckin debt, bills, house, etc.

So, when you are glaring at that Scantron or are fucking so geeked on aderol while your doing your final powerpoint presentation that you're seeing Sesame Street characters, know that your typical day starts at 10am, it isn't the end of the world if you skip 3 classes in a row, and that your basic necessities are guaranteed. For the 4 to 8 year semi-vacation it is, you can put in one all niter worth of work!

Do you play bass???

Do you play bass? My band needs a bassist. Here's the ad we posted recently online:

Going to the well...again.

Panzer's lineup is almost complete! Our current lineup consists of lead vocals, a drummer, a rhythm guitar, and lead guitar/bass. Our lead guitarist (also plays bass) has only limited availability at the moment and we feel it might be a good idea to expand our search to audition lead guitarists, as well as bassists just to see what's out there...that's enough proof that we are laid back, I think.

We play for fun, but we are committed to our music! Ideally, we want an active contributor with some talent and decent enough gear to practice with. We would prefer a friendly, loyal, responsible young adult with couth who has a life, a job/career, and is willing to practice at the very minimum, once a week...twice would be great! (We are all understanding...life comes first) We aren’t going to put an age restriction, but we are in our young to mid 20s and would prefer to collaborate with someone near our own age.

Not interested in spoiled 25 year old drug addict buffoons from Dublin who are unemployed, live with their parents, throw up on your floor, and will never ever return a call/email/show up for practice. We are currently writing and have 5 original songs in the works…they sound great, but we really could use the input of a bassist. Recordings aren't available at this moment...we're working on it!

We have a few humble goals: Practice once a week, fine tune our original songs (enough to play a set), record in a studio, and play some shows locally….then, who knows?

Influences: Alice in Chains, A Perfect Circle, Audioslave, Breaking Benjamin, Chevelle, Deftones, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, Our Lady Peace, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden, STP, Taproot, Tool, and many more…basically modern rock/post grunge…artistic yet not too bizarre and not too far out from the mainstream.
Email us for an audition at panzer.music@gmail.com. We’d love to hear what you have to offer and meet some new people!

Ok...so nice, normal ad. I italicized and bolded a specific portion of the long ad. Did you catch it...we are all young and don't want to work with old dudes.

So, interesting enough, I'm at Guitar Center the other day crushing on some new gear when I get a call. Yes, it was a guy I had been bouncing emails with...Mike, the bassist.

Mike was hillbily as fuck, obviously lonely, and intoxicated/high. In a 35 minute phone call, he gave me his life story. He's fucking 47 years old...yes, old enough to be my father...and lonely enough that he wants to come play with us.

Some people don't understand subtlety. I explained to him multiple times that we were all younger guys...well, I dunno how many Strohs deep he was, but he was pretty fucked up. It was like 9 pm.

So, I gotta eventually email this guy back to tell him, no...no you aren't coming to jam with us next Friday. Am I a douche for denying someone b/c of their age? I feel awful about it, but the bottom line is, if I wanted to play music with my Dad, I would. We're going to go into this thing having nothing in common musically anyways, let alone anything else! The guy really is this lonely and wants to play out really bad...well, I've played with geezers before, so maybe I'll refer him.

Public Toilets...We Don't appreciate the Free Wash!

I was in a Wal-Mart last week and holy shit, I was sick to my stomach! Sick, sick, sick. I made my way into the cramped stall and followed standard procedure...I made my normal nest of tp to protect my ass and genitals from STDs.

Well, I do my business...all the while sitting sideways b/c the stall was obviously designed by a really skinny midget. Some one walks in and takes the stall next to mine, so I wanted to be polite, b/c I was starting to smell awful foul. I unleashed a courtesy flush...

What followed was nothing more than an awful, awful experience. As my bowel went down the drain, my ass was doused with what felt like a cold garden hose being sprayed up my rectum. Filthy toilet water going up my ass...great.

I understand that public toilet manufacturers need to supply a powerful flush to avoid clogs, but isn't there a health risk for asses everywhere if the toilet water is jet streaming upwards!?!?!?!?

My ass sure got cleaned out well by the inadvertent douching, but I knew it was done with piss/shit water and it really made the rest of my day miserable.

I'm going to write my congressman.

Just for the fuck of it...a magnificent parking job...unfortunately, this guy parked right on top of a girl in her Mazda and she was unable to get out...I mean, you can see how far over the line he is. She had to move the car to exit her vehicle.

Mrs. Butterworth...Calling out to you...Pleading with You!

Scenario:

You are grocery shopping...having a merry old time. You are checking off your list as you go when suddenly, in the middle of the aisle, right next to you head you are shocked!

"HELLOOOOOO...It's MEEEE...Mrs. Butterworth! COME HERE...I have something to show you!"

Direct quote.

Someone thought that a motion sensored device with a bullhorn was a good idea to advertise syrup. I hear this thing go of maybe 30 times a day...I haven't seen it work once! Anyone who hears it is instantaneously offended in every way.

I have included a picture of this satanic little device that belongs in a haunted house, not in a grocery store. My stores often will bitch and complain if I want to put a small cardboard display up that is actually going to make the store money, yet, this frightening device which if anything, is counterproductive to sales, is allowed to exist...it holds no product and it only terrifies people and children ...causing them to flee in horror away from the aisle. I mean, this one old broad walked by one today, activated it and I could smell her...she clearly lost her bowels...I hope she didn't have a stroke, too

Bottom line...some innovation is stupid, but is given a chance just for being called an "innovation," while many tried and true methods are put to the wayside. Oh well.

People Who Buy the Store Brand Regardless of Price

For my profession, one of my duties is to apply coupons to my product.

Product that is slow moving, product that is close dated, product that has a drug user as an endorser, product that sucks, product that I want the store to move the fuck out!

And product that has a fuckin chinsy, shitty, imitation brand that poses off of ours.

Not all private label brands are awful. I get this one Fat Free Salad Dressing. It's good!

But not the private label that competes with my company's product. That shit doesn't even come close! It's awful, cardboardy...but b/c of the tough times, people are sucking it up and eating their sandpaper cubes for breakfast everyday!!!

I feel bad for these people. I mean, fuck...if you are willing to make such a sacrifice to eat such awful shit, you are having a really rough time. So, I am always sure to coupon our product that the store has private label of that is imitation.

Lately, we have some great deals going on for our sale prices! And, to compete in this bad economy, we have corporate permission to coupon product that is on sale. This is a huge deal, b/c now, we can compete with these awful tasting store product.

Yet, I am disappointed daily as I work hard going up and down the aisles, couponing my product...and still, people are naturally reaching for the private label...even when our product (Sales price + coupon) is 20-50 cents cheaper!!!!

MRAGH!! Infuriating!

The Cheesecake Factory Hell

Some things are just avoidable.

My grandfather says, "You can't beat experience." Let's just say, I can smell a bad situation before it happens.

I was informed that to celebrate my birthday, my fiancee's birthday, and her friend, Anne's Bday...we were going out the the Cheesecake factory.

Things weren't looking good when my friend went there last nite with his wife and is now laid up with food poisoning as we speak. So, sorry...I was already going in not wanting to eat anything.

Like a good fiancee, I offered to do reservations. As "upscale" as the Cheesecake Factory supposedly is, amazingly, they don't take reservations. Ok. Then, since my fiancee, Anne, and her friends had to work, I offered to get there early and reserve some seating. I was made to feel like a complete idiot.

Well, we get there at 6:30. 6:30 on a Saturday nite on the first really nice day of the year. It was a mess. Literally a thousand people at this chinsy, overfuckin priced restaurant. We put our name in...FOR A 3 HOUR WAIT.

By now, I'm furious. Now, Anne's entourage was a girl named Skeletor and a guy named Allen. Anne is one of those people who means well, but is a part of the population that harbors no couth or tact. Her mouth is constantly open, mouthing off, saying things she shouldn't...she has no grace...she just isn't very gentlewomanly at all...in fact, she's fit in much better as a pirate hooker. Skeletor was kinda the same....rude, rude, rude. Just basically, girly girls who have nothing in common with my fiancee, but no matter what...we're still gonna hang out with them...AND HOLD THEIR OPINION TO THE HIGHEST REGARDS!!!!

But fuck, they don't care about the 3 hr wait! We're in a mall! Yay!!!!!! Funny that women don't mind that.

Well, at 7:15, we return to this fuckin high class place and wait in line to get a beeper. My fiancee requests a drink from the bar...that actually cheers me up a bit. I requested her first drink. The barkeep has never heard of it. "2 Crown and Dr. Peppers, please." They don't have Dr. Pepper. "Coke is fine."

Then, with a straight face, this guy says, "16.50." I was appalled. $8.25 a drink...where are we...fuckin south beach...the Hamptons. I mean, we are at the Cheesecake Factory in Columbus, OH right????

By now, the anger has consumed me. I finish my drink and order another. Stella on tap. My fiancee is eager to try and cheer me up. She was carrying the cash, so she handed me 4 bucks. I immediately say, "That ain't gonna be enough." She gets enraged and hands me a 5 more.

I come back with my drink. She says, "So....how much was it????" "$7.75." She thought I was fucking with her. No...no I wasn't

By now, after we've waited in line the majority of the time for them, Anne, Skeletor, and Allen were kind enough to finally join us for dinner! Yes, while we held their place in line for them...THEY WENT SHOPPING!!! YAYY!!! We get seated by 9ish, at which point, I'm so disgusted with this shithole full of idiotic sheep, I've lost my appetite, my feet hurt like a mother fucker...oh wait...we were celebrating my birthday, too.

Since I was being a miserable bastard, I was going to have the courtesy to cover everyone's meals. I usually do this anyways, as I understand that not everyone is fortunate enough to have as good a job as me. Just being fuckin classy, as usual...plus, I was in a horrible mood and being totally unreasonable. I mean, you wouldn't be pissed waiting for a seat for 3 hours with two asshole bitches, would you?

I was being accused of being wasted drunk...by Anne and Skeletor at the table in their asides conversations. My fiancee is usually great and we agree on a lot of things, but fuck forbid if one of her so called friends has a problem with me, she's the first to abandon me and not defend me just because I'm being myself...not doing anything out of the ordinary. Who cares if I've been tragically misled and forced to hold somebody's spot in line while they go do a recreational activity that they enjoy.

Well, for those of you who know my abilities, I wouldn't call 6 beers and two mixed drinks over the span of 7 hours drunk? Would you?? Hmm...let's get out our Dare charts...and body weight charts...hmmm.

I had mentioned I was going to cover everyone's meal....until certain things happened.... Anne was being her typical uncouth self, acting like a 16 yr old spoiled bitch and throwing dirty digs at me. I'm sorry that your plan for our birthdays sucked. I inquired as to why we didn't try and get here earlier...and Skeletor nearly came across the table at me, "B/c we had to work today!!!"

Ohhhhhhhhh...well, excuse the fuck outta me! I'm sorry that you work an emu shit profession that pays you slightly above minimum wage and forces you to work weekends! See, us successful people...the majority of the adult world...we don't have to do that! And, Ms. Beeeeetch, I offered to come here early and secure us a table! Didn't know that, did you??? But my offer was of no interest to Skeletor. She was most concerned with pecking at her $17 hamburger (which she ate 2 bites of).

Our poor waitress had been fucked. She was clearly working the majority of the tables on the other side of the restaurant. Our table and the table behind us were the only two on our side of the restaurant she had. She was having trouble getting to us in a timely manner. Skeletor and Anne could not shut the fuck up about the service..."where is she???? Where the fuck is she????" But me, being uncouth, I explained what was taking so long. But they didn't care...they were acting appropriate; bitching and carrying on like the two nagging preppy whores they are.

Well, they came with little birthday cakes for us. Again, I wasn't going to eat mine. But Skeletor, WITHOUT ASKING, just came across the table and took my cake when she realized I wasn't going to eat it! adfn;akjldsnfjkandskfnan;dfs

I mean, who fucking does that??? WHO JUST TAKES YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE?????? I wasn't going to eat it, but still...just...reached across the table and snatched it like a little brown crotched bird. Peep...peep.

But again, I was acting rude, I was too drunk, and I was acting inappropriate.

For whatever reason, I'm a bad person b/c when I'm in a hideous situation such as this, I'm going to voice my opinion and want to bail immediately. And I don't care...if you are going out to eat someplace, I don't care if they are giving away free filet mignon...if they say, THREE HOUR WAIT and they're charging 8 bucks for beer on tap...you find somewhere else to eat.

Why My Fiance is Just as Ignorant as Everyone Else

Sometimes, you see children behaving badly in public. You wonder why their parents don't pull them outside and spank them. I had to wonder that tonight with my own fiance. It was incredibly embarrassing, and now I understand why those parents do not do anything. Because somewhere in the deep recesses of their minds, they are hoping that their child will stop acting like a jackass. I too, understand this feeling.

When in public, regardless of the situation, do not EVER disrespect the ones you love. You want to prove you are ignorant, that is the way to do it. If this means that you go to a nice restaurant with hundreds of people, even if you do not like the restaurant, act appropriately. Do not order drinks all night and not order dinner because you disapprove of someone else's choice in restaurant. Just shut your mouth, pretend like you are having at least a decent time, and order a fucking meal. When someone (like your fiancee) points out that you are being an asshole and embarrassing them, instead of continuing on with your unnecessary antics and ridiculousness, just stop. Apologize. Admit you are acting like a poorly-behaved 5 year old.

If you cannot handle yourself in an appropriate manner in public, and in front of other people, you are ignorant. Just as ignorant as other people you feel so inclined to mention in your blog. Also, do not compare friends with the individual whom you have wronged, stating that your friends are quality and her friends are not. Considering you have friends who have ventured to our home and let one of our cats out, never to be found again, and then also needed prompted to apologize for that incident.....you might not yourself have quality friends.

Apologies will be accepted and expected daily for at least the next week.

P.S. If you buy your fiancee a birthday gift, and it happens to die, it doesn't matter if you think her birthday is said and done....you owe her BIG BIG BIG BIG time.

P.P.S. I hope parents still beat the shit out of their kids when they misbehave. If someone's parents had beat him as frequently as my parents beat me, he would not have acted so poorly this evening. So parents, the next time you feel you might be being too harsh on your kids, beat them anyways, just for good measure.

The Patron Saints of Doomed Pets

So, we are the Patron Saints of Doomed Pets.

Since my fiancee and I have been together, a little over 3 years now, we have gathered quite the menagerie of pets. However, not everyone made it through.

Yes, there are meth addicted, drunken, coke fiends who habitually beat their pets everyday, poison them, neglect them, don't feed them, brand swastikas in them, etc. But these animals, for what ever reason, continue to live pretty healthily. Yet, my fiancee and I...all we do is go above and beyond to spoil our pets...we treat them better than ourselves. Yet, they always meet unfortunate ends.

Our first pet was Guaraldi, a kitten. He was a sonofabitch. Very cute greay tabby. We got him when he was very young. I had hideous food poisoning at the time and the fucker was climbing all over me. Well, sure enough, I had decided to take a summer job out of town. The day I left, my fiancee had to put Guaraldi down. He suffered from felind leukemia and was going to live a short, painful, slow death. On top of it, my phone was off b/c I had to save my battery for an emergency. G lasted 4 days with us.

The next failure of a pet was Ipod. He was a very friendly all white kitty who made his way into our frat house through an open window. We took care of him the best we could, but he was sick with FIV (kitty AIDS)and we had to put him down, too. He was thankful the whole time, I mean, he knew before us that he was terminally ill. Ipod lasted 3 days with us.

Our next disastrous pet event was Moon. Moon was our favorite kitty. She was sickeningly sweet and loved us to death. She was a stray who we brought in from the cold and she thanked us everyday for 6 months. Well, she went MIA in September. I had hosted an all nite drinking fest at my house with some old buddies and one of them decided that in a townehouse with 4 cats, it was a good idea to leave the door wide ass open. Moon probably caught wind of a scent outside and she was off. My other friend tried to help, but in his drunken stupor he just went chasing after her in the nite and probably scared her shitless and off into oblivion. I mean, she probably woulda listened to me but, what can you do, right?

Well, the latest tragedy happened yesterday. Panzer, the Flemish Giant Rabbit passed away from blod clots/congenital heart failure. Yes, the bunny I had just purchased for my fiancee's early bday gift. We had him a little over a week. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching DVRs of Cheaters (I enjoy falling asleep to the tortured moans and crying) so I was right by his cage. At 6am, he started baying wildly! Yes, a rabbit...baying. I petted him and he seemed to calm down, but was still acting strange. My fiancee came down to check out the noise. By the time I had returned to the room after taking the morning piss, he had taken his death crap and was laying limp in my fiancee's arms, dead. Even though she is employed by a vet, she was horribly traumatized and didn't really know what to do. I tried to give him CPR but he was gone.

Of course, then we have BeBe. Bebe suffered from a severe viral infection when she was a kitten. She was given a 2% survival rate. She was having seizures bc her fever was so high. We were going to put her down, but we had to move that weekend and we figured there would be no time, as we had already rented the truck. Well, sure enough, my brother came up to help with the move and brought some holy water from Lourdes, France that I had requested of him. Wasted, I doused the seizing Bebe in the stuff. We didn't expect Bebe to make it through the nite. By the next morning, Bebe was not only conscious and alive...she was making quite a commotion as she dragged a half eaten JBC from Wendy's across our frontroom floor! However, like Pet Semetary, "Sometimes, dead is better." Well, Bebe no suffers from severe mental retardation and other mental issues. She still loves us, though.

In conclusion, I think since we treat our animals so well, God decides to place the doomed animals in our paths. We are almost like a hospice spa. They get fantastic treatment for their short time and then they pass. God likes fucking with people and I think he's a cool guy...he has a great sense of humor!

As soon as we move into our house in two weeks, we are going to foster a german shepherd. I have no choice but to succumb to the pressure to get a dog! I mean, her fuckin bday gift died!

Have a Nice Day...Signed, the Weather

Regardless on where you stand on the issue of climate change, there certainly is something going on. There's no such thing as four seasons anymore. Fuck. Spring and Fall has vanished completely or rarely lasts for more than 2 weeks. Look at the weather we are having here in central OH: started the week with wind chills in the single digits and ended the week with temperatures in the 50s. I don't always get to a weather report as the local weather hacks simply are not worth watching. Plus, I tend to leave in a rush to get a start on my day asap...no time for that shit.

There's nothing worse than starting your day sprinting out your front door with a wool trenchcoat when it's 6 am and already 40 degrees. Likewise, it's an even bigger bitch when you go running out with short sleeves on and it's 10 degrees. Without the weather report, we tend to base our clothes off of the last days. Can't do that in Ohio.

World Cockblocking Masters

Dude, my freshman year of college was a brutal time for chasing tail.

We rolled in a deep crew, a tight knit baseball bunch. But, it had it's drawbacks. Three of the guys were all world cockblockers.

So we had Jon who was a dumpster diver...he'd fuck anything: giraffe, elliptical, couch cushion, mastadon fossils, hideous bitches...yep, you know that guy. But hey, we all need a slump buster...and if you were stuck in a rut and needed to nut, well, you could count on Jon to steal your midnite special trophy/morning nightmare away from you!

JJ Smooth was fuckin questionable outright. Nice kid, but odd. Looked like a backstreet boy...muscles, tan, hair, cute bicep tattoo...yeah, he was alright with the lasses, too. He had a patented maneuver...he ,would hide in the shadows at a party stalking his next cockblock. He would look for his friends, too...dancing with girls. Once eye contact was established, it was over. He would get all happy, then do like this backstreet boy type dance where he'd come over, then do like simulated running fist pumps in slow mo while he approached. He'd then be all happy and say what's up, then immediately, he'd hook the girl with his arm and box you out. He had a mean hook, like a vaudeville act. That dame could be dancing on the stage ready to exit to your bedroom...and woooop...the hook pulled her away! And you were fucked...you spent all that time making the broad's panties all lathered up and then out of the nite, a gorgeous metrosexual appears to make a move on her.

Then, there was Winston. Winston was the worst, b/c this dude was bald as fuck. At 23, he had 4 hairs in the front. He had some queero "volumizing product" that he would use. He'd spend 10 minutes in the bathroom before we'd bounce, perfectly lining up those 4 hairs. His special move to pry women away from you was the, "Heyyyyy...I know yoooouuu...we had ________ class together. No, we didn't...thaaaaat's so weird, I thought we did." You could be tonguing a girl and Winston would apply his special move.

Cockblockers suck a dick...I don't even want to think how many opportunities I lost out on b/c of these characters...it was great, though.

Fuckshots behind the steering wheel

I guess it's high time to do my first post here on Mragh. In keeping with the theme of chastising the ignorant, I'm going to talk about some people I have a problem with out on America's roads.

I suppose the real problem here is due to the world we live in today. Everything in life is a wait. You're really just waiting to die. From those waits, you get impatience on the part of human beings. They see it as costing them some tangible thing, be it money or time or both.

When I pull out of my neighborhood and go right, I see the car 100 yards down the road in the same right hand lane. But it's 45 mph, and by me turning right I should be fine, not worrying about that car I saw from off in the distance. Sure enough; because I 'turned in front of them' they're going to speed up and jackhammer their vehicle up my ass for as long as they're behind me. I see you, Johnny Twatten. What are you gonna do? Run your beamer into the ass end of my pickup. I assure you that my tail is made of titanium and the only thing getting hurt will be your asshole car. If I tap my breaks it could cause big problems for you asshole. So slow the fuck down, relax, and continue your run to the store for your wife.

Also, I'm driving northbound on I-71. The duration of the time that I'm in the left hand lane I'm doing about 75-80. Any faster then that and you're risking a couple things. First off, it tears the fuck out of a vehicle. My father is of mechanic mind, and like he always said to me; you run a fucking machine harder for months and years, you're not going to get it to last as long. Doesn't matter what it is. Several of my friends who like to go 90 in a 35 say I drive like a grampa. I'd like to tell them that they drive like a dip shit, but friends don't do that. Second off, there's pigs a plentiful on the way to Cleveland every 10 minutes that have nothing better to do then give tickets. Third, when you drive too fast you get into accidents. Once again; people need to remind themselves to settle the fuck down. Its good for the systolic and diastolic.

So for the duration of my two hour drive to and fro, I've got guys speeding up and riding my ass. I don't wanna get into the right hand lane. I see you there. I don't feel like riding behind semi's. The speed limit is 65, so I'd say 80 is plenty reasonable. If you want to pass, pass on the right hand side like the asshole you are and look like the asshole you are. You aren't going to force me to break the law. I'm going to force your hand. Give me that stare when you drive by like I've done something wrong. That is what I'm gearing for. If I had something to throw at you; I'd roll down my window and do it. Due to the past I know that the wind velocity while driving will keep it from hitting your car but it makes me feel better.

There's so many cocksuckers on the road. Are you one of them? If you are, like I said; just settle the fuck down. There's a reason Bruce Springsteen calls vehicles suicide machines. We must look awful silly to father earth at times as he looks down on us and sees the death devices that man created for themselves to go out and travel the world in. Take your foot off the peddle and just take your time. Everything will be ok. I'm not asking anything monumental like, not texting or doing blackberry while driving. Of course you can still chat on the phone. But don't gun your 4 cylinder up my ass like you mean it.

If you do, you're one of the ignorant.

Verdi

Holy shit, I love this restaurant. If you are unfortunate enough to live in the greater Columbus, OH area, please…please check out this joint. Tired of eating at Applebee’s every week? If you love genuine, authentic, New York style Italian food, this is the place for you. Arturo, the chef knows his food. He gets the freshest ingredients he can find and sells all his dishes for a reasonable price. Do you love alfredo? This guy uses butter and cream out the ass so get your workout in before coming here. His crab cakes are about 95% crab, 5% cake. His pizza is goey good. His tiramisu kicks ass. His pasta is homemade…just like everything else. Fresh seafood in the midwest...you bet! Generous portions, great prices…just go try it already!

http://www.verdi315.com/

I’ve mentioned the food is fantastic. For roughly 10 bucks a plate, you can’t beat this anywhere, however, there are some things about Verdi you should know ahead of time…a disclaimer if you will. Arturo knows food, however, he does not (yet) know fine dining.

Verdi is rough around the edges. Upon walking into the very humble, small establishment, you will notice two identical paintings side by side on the right wall. Incredibly bizarre, I know. The same hideous acoustic CDs of cover tunes is playing in the background. Stay for more than a half an hour, you are bound to hear “Fernando.” The service is…meh. They’re getting better. There is such a focus on food, it’s easy for them to forget to refill your water or bring you your silverware. Know this ahead of time and be forgiving…it is worth it! I am one of the most impatient people in the world and I detest incompetence in all forms…yet despite the lack of service and charm, I go to this restaurant every week.

Go give this man some business…know ahead of time that the service will be mediocre…be patient and savor the best Italian food in Central Ohio.

Fat man’s gotta have list (In order of Faves

Apps: Crab Cakes, Fried Ravioli
Entrees: Shrimp Alfredo, Chicken Alfredo, Baked Zitti, Chicken Parm, Lobster Ravioli, Eggplant Parm, Seafood Marcecata,.
Pizza: White, Four Cheese, All Meat
Dessert: Tiramisu, Cheesecake, Canoli

Picking out a Wedding Tux...

So, the main purpose of my “vacation” last weekend was to sure up wedding plans. The final roster of groomsmen was submitted officially. Dealings concerning the meals and very open bar were also addressed. And of course, the tuxedo was decided upon (although, it nearly ended in bloodshed).

So, my dearest fiancée has been doing her best not to become bridezilla, but alas, tis in her nature to become…shall we say, “aggressive.” She had this grand vision of “linen” type tuxedos for the wedding, which I agree, sounded pretty good.

However, such things are hard to come by and you certainly don’t want to get me in a pure linen outfit. I would destroy it and it wrinkles so easily, I’d look like a dirty sheet at the bottom of the hamper. So, we decided on the “linen look.”

Well, she had me try on a multitude of tuxes and suits. We made some enemies at a few of the stores, especially at a Men’s Wearhouse where when the African-American salesman asked us which colors we were interested in, my dearest said, “we’re anti-black……..and, uh…anti-navy.” I just hope this guy wasn’t a navy discharge, too.

She was convinced that she wanted me in this hideous brownish color. I gazed upon it and using my useless history major, immediately flashed to images of pre-WWII Nazi SA uniforms. Yes, it was that bad. Then her mother suggested a “postman” outfit…and yet, another outfit which looked like I should be marching for General Lee in a Civil War reenactment.

As hideous as these outfits were and as great a battle that I waged with my fiancée, we came to a conclusion. Ivory Tux, white undershirt, purple vest and tie. Don’t worry groomsmen, you guys are getting green vests and ties. Some may think the outfit hideous, however, it is festive and I love purple…it is the color of royalty. If you weren’t a buck-toothed drunk slob, you would know that.

A Word About Bad Parking...

Well, unfortunately I did not have a camera on me this weekend, but I did come across a horrendous park job at a mall…even more entertaining, I witnessed it! This old sonofabitch in a Buick parks both right tires over the line right all on top of this Honda…so close, that there would be no way in hell that the person in the Honda could enter from the driver’s side door. No way in hell. I wish I coulda waited around to see the person return to their car!! Well, this oldtimer gets out, walks in front of his car…and then, his face notices his park job…but, he kinda shrugs and must have muttered to himself, “Fuck it, I was an Army cook in Korea” and continued on his way.

What’s great is that there is a hilarious blog solely about bad parking! Very funny stuff, here. I mean, we witness bad parking everywhere, everyday…especially if you live in central Ohio.

http://badparking.wordpress.com/

For the most part, this site itself is great! You can easily profile who was driving each vehicle when the horrendous park job was achieved. Buick in the handi-spot=oldtimer who fought in Korea. Ford F-350 taking up 3 spots=young asshole redneck. Benz over the line=bitch of a trophy wife….etc. That’s what’s always fun to me when I see a bad park job…trying to use my psychic abilities to envision the douche who did the deed. I mean, I’m not sure about the percentages, but some people are bad drivers, others are ignorant assholes, and others are arrogant assholes.

Then there’s the on purpose “bad parking job.”

As awesome as this site is, I must be extremely critical of a few of the entries. Some of them are stretches…in fact this one type of bad parking is actually acceptable!

Ok, so this person in the Honda pictured is not an ignorant bad parker, in fact he/she is ahead of the curve and thinks along my mind. The ideal parking spot has always been an end space, particularly if you love your car (aka, you’ve paid for it and it’s your baby). Those who have not had the experience of owning and loving your car will not understand. Many people simply don’t give a shit about their car, but there is a small number amongst us who adores our cars and will do whatever we can to protect them from nicks and dents from lazy assholes who fling their doors open with complete disregard. If you love your car, you actively seek the end space so that you can park all the way over so that there’s no doubt that no matter what idiot you can imagine parks next to you in the single adjacent space, there is no chance of dinging your baby. None.

There’s nothing wrong with this. Who am I hurting by parking way over? No one. I’m not in anyone’s way. I’m just way the fuck over. I do it in my parking lot.

Now, the majority of the imbeciles featured in this blog…yes, they are all ignorant assholes in some form…but Honda driver…you are smart and are officially pardoned by Mragh!