Betrayed, Angry, and Heartbroken

My fiancee and I have been working with a local pet adoption organization and by organization, I mean that VERY loosely. I dare not even to dwell into the misery the last month has been...all we are doing is trying to help. But, I must mragh.

This organization tells you that the animals are potty trained and crate trained and you end up getting the "pet" and it is more closer behaved to a wild animal. Both dogs decided to shit in the house as a means of communicating to you that they are not happy in their crate when they are put there for when we go on errands or go to work for the day. Doesn't sound like crate trained to me, does it?

You can let them out and take them for a walk. They will go pee and then just look at you...you tell them to go poop...they don't. You take them in. You come back from work about two hours later and they have shit in their crate, rolled in it, laid in it, and have thrown the shit with their paws all over the surrounding floor and wall. They also kick the tray of their crate out and stampede upon the shit with their paws, mushing it into the carpet. I was going to take a pic, but I was far too enraged and settled on cleaning up the defcon worthy mess immediately...and I'm sure my landlord would prefer that kind of action. Just imagine Taz, spinning around in a shitting rage out of control in your utility room...I'm sure you don't need an image now.

I will say one thing...the animals were good with the cats, as in, they didn't try to bite them...now charge them, chase them away...they did plenty of that.

All we are doing is trying to help, but as busy young professionals, we don't have the time to deal with an animal that decides to shit and roll in it once or twice a day. Leave that to someone on welfare, someone who is retired, a homemaker, or a college kid to deal with that. When you work 50-60 hour weeks...it simply is not possible.

Here is Barney, our soon to be last foster dog's write up for this "organization":

Hi, my name is Barney and I'm a sweet puppy with big feet and a bigger personality. I like to run in the grass and get lots of human hugs, but I also likes getting kisses on the nose from my kitty foster friends! I am potty trained and know how to sit and how to come to my name. I would prefer a big fenced yard so I can run around like a wild man and expend some energy (which I have a LOT of)! Come check me out, I give the best kisses (and lots of those too)!

What it should really read:

Hi, my name is Barney and I'm a nightmare with massive feet and a bigger personality. I like to run in the grass and get lots of human attention as I am a major lush. I will chase and intimidate your cats and make them so miserable that they will only live in the basement! I will let you know when I have to pee outside by trampling you at 3 am. When you let me out at lunch, I will pee for you, but wait until you have crated me so I can revenge shit and roll in it! Ha ha, bitches. I require one or two baths a day, depending on how many inside shits I can stop, drop, and roll in as I love to make shit angels in your carpet and hardwood floor! My Shaq sized feet also do a great job of shit mushing! I will only be happy with a large fenced in yard so I can run around and be a terror beast. Come check me out, as I will lick you into your skin becomes raw and chafed!

I'm very upset. I feel like a quitter. I want to help these animals find a home. However, I am convinced that this group is not being forthcoming concerning the animals' flaws, it leaves us no choice but to leave them. As my brother just said, "You know as soon as they hand off the dog to you, they are saying...that poor bastard...he's fucked....let's see how long this lasts!"

100 posts...

Quietly, like the silent fart that Barney, the foster dog just made as it caught my window fan perfectly, surging violently into my nostrils...we are at 100 posts against the ignorant...but we have so much further to go. I'm looking to expand the field. I'm looking for contributions and other ideas...I want to start expanding this thing and take it to the next level. I want my way of thinking to become mainstream...bc usually, I'm right...not always...but often. I know that this is a very small thing that I do, but I must do it...I must destroy the ignorant...join me!

A bald doctor plugging a hair restoration commercial...

45 seconds in...ya can't see his hair...they cropped it out...he's definitely balding though...he bobs his head and his skimpy hairline peaks down!

This is just like a doctor with glasses plugging a lasik commercial, or a Chevy salesman who drives a Honda, or a gay guy judging Ms. Universe, or Michael Moore doing a nutrisystem commercial...either way, how credible can this shit be if the DOC plugging it doesn't use it...or if he did, it didn't work. I have a hard time believing he enjoys being bald.

Nice try, Bosley...you have conned millions...but you didn't full Mragh or Mragh's readers!

People who own labs...

As part of my effort to give back to the community, I foster dogs for an area pet adoption service. See...I'm not that rotten of a person, after all!

I am pretty experienced with dogs. I used to work as a trainer and dog walker.

But I gotta say, one of my least favorite breeds apparently happens to be the only dog made available to me.

For the second time, I have gone to the shelter to pick up a Labrador.

Temperament wise, these dogs are fine...but seriously, this dog is one of the lamest breed. They come in two types, wild and caustically stupid or severe nausea inducing needy drip.

Unbelievably, both types of dog are incredibly accommodating for our stupid society! How many people ignorantly tolerate their "dumb dog" no matter what he does. Eats the wall, shits on your pillow, barks until he throws up on your rug, eats the trash, eats his own shit, etc. People love it...b/c they are too fucking lazy to take two seconds to correct their animal. "Ahhh...fuck...sorry that he's chewing on your crotch. He's just dumb dog...it's not his fault."

In my opinion, nothing is worse than the needy drip lab. Beat him and abuse him, he will love you irregardless. Leave the room to piss, he will follow you...where ya goin, boss? "Oh please, please, please, please...plllllease don't leave me for two seconds. " Sit down on your couch, he's laying on your feet. Go to work, he will cry for hours after you leave...and once you get home, he won't leave you alone! He is so excited to see you, he won't eat, drink, piss, or shit for at least seven hours b/c he wants nothing more than to spend every waking second with you. Yuck. Now you know why girls hate needy guys so much!! "Ahhh...fuck...oh, look at him. He's licking everyone non-stop. Ohhhh...I'm such a good owner...he loves me sooo much. I'm so good to him. He loves me! He really loves me...and I've done nothing for him to do so...wait, what am I talking about...I have trained him. He can sit! And heel...sometimes. Oh, he just loves everyone, I'm the best owner...blah blah blah."

I'm fine with a dog that loves me...and wants to see me when I come home...but I just don't want something that obsessively allows his world to revolve around me! I mean, fuck...if this is what you want with a dog, America, ya gotta check yourself. All it means is you want stupid, you want a doofus peasant to worship your ego and severe megalomania. Fuck off if you have a lab...

But, just in case ya want one...I have the PERFECT nausea inducing needy kind of lab right here...laying on my feet. He's exhausted b/c he was punished by being crated...as he was horrified to his soul by a hissing Foofen (my miniature cat) and lost his bowels in my bedroom. I can't imagine how big of a dump he'll take if a Yeti breaks into the house. He's tired, b/c he barked for 2 hours straight...struggling to get out of his crate. Lame labs.

My fat wife gives me that little wink every now and then...

"I got hit head on by a tsetse flea and was laid up for 2 years."
"I gave all of my fat clothes to my fat friends." Now, a handful of fat children who shop at the thrift store have a plethora of outfits thanks to Brian Alvarez.
"I hated my body." That's a manly comment.
"My muscles started getting toned again....I have muscles I didn't have in high school" Brian...where are these muscles???
"I went from a 38 to a size 30." Size 30...in boys.
"My [fat] wife gives me that little look every now and then." Wife is officially fatter than me...unless this heifer hopped on the bowflex too...which she didn't or else they'd show her using it and it would be a couple success story.

tuv vz tuv xy-x-z

It never gets old...even though, this footage happens to be a little old. Why not reflect upon it as I raced home early from work to watch the Cards complete the sweep of my Mets?

At 28, he landed a cars.com Super Bowl Ad with residual playing time...

and decided that a week without shaving, bathing, and growing the hair out was a swell idea. Take a look at those grotesque sideburns at 0:41...how many head of dust mite are in that???

The Shroud of Turin has an evil twin...

The Fouton of Kovackianosos

I had a stinkee friend back in the day. He was stinky. We called his room Stalingrad...bc of the smell.

One day, he transferred...mysteriously leaving all of his shit behind. Everything...including his fouton.

It was one of your typical wal-mart foutons, ya know...shittily made metal frame, black fouton mat.

I mentioned, bathing was not his forte. After workouts, he would just go back to Stalingrad and lay on his fouton...all stinky. Sure enough, when the fouton was desheeted, there was a dry, crusted, white aura of old sweat in the shape of a body. He had left his holy mark on the fouton.

Best live acts in rock (active)...why I like the bands I do...

I'm not a huge fan of Radiohead, but listen to this! Wow!

Morello and Cornell are amazing musicians. Some of the best of this generation.

Tool is out there. They've had some mainstream exposure, but the musicianship is pretty unrivaled.

Best band I've had the fortune of seeing live.

They use odd tunings which can sometimes hurt their live performances, but the talent is certainly there.

A band that never really made it...fantastic group.

It's U2...is there anybody better?

Worst live acts in rock...

As a music enthusiast and local band frontman, I thought I'd take some time to hate on some really shitty artists out there


I walked by these clowns on a few Warped Tours back in the day...holy shit, there could not be anything that sounded worse. From the singer's off pitch singing, the bass and guitars just off tempo...god.


Dude, these guys have vocals being played back on tape during the chorus like Britney Spears...wow, that's lame. They are a perfect example of low talent, but great artistic vision...it definitely doesn't carry to the stage.
Get to about 2:40...wow, it's brutal. Just never can hit the notes, bro.


Really...how lame is this? They have such an empty sound. The singer has no range or texture in his voice.

Very sloppy timing...and of course, the singer can't find his way around a scale.
Love these guys...but I heard they blow live...I was right...out of all the artists up here, they are the only one I like and actually listen to...I won't stop listening to their music, but I probably will never go see them live.

Craigslist M4M Ads...

Who would post something like this?


*Warning...severe Adult Content...Do not open at work. Do not open around minors. In fact, click it and keep your eyes closed...then slowly peek.

http://columbus.craigslist.org/m4m/1131968199.html/

I dunno, this just seems very, very wrong to me. The level of perversion is just unbearable.

Now, the personal touch...how did I come across this ad? I'm not gay nor bisexual...but, to me...I find these hilarious. Sadly, in my spare time, every couple of days, I do entertain myself to pictures of cocks and craigslist ads...but hey, if that makes me a flameuse, I'm a flameuse. There's just something horribly fascinating about resorting to this sort of behavior.

I think I just really enjoy finding the hideous cock pics and sending them to my friends...but especially to my little bro. Here is an aim transcript from tonite:

Bro: (12:07:20 AM): can't sleep either
Me:(12:07:28 AM): http://columbus.craigslist.org/m4m/1131968199.html/
Bro:12 (12:07:39 AM): its prolly a cock
Me:(12:07:53 AM): nah, it's not i swear
Bro:12 (12:08:00 AM): wat is it
Me:(12:08:11 AM): it's this skiing pic
Bro:12 (12:08:27 AM): y r u looking at skiing pics
Me:(12:08:48 AM): i thought i'd look into getting a snowmobile while they are out of season
Bro:12 (12:09:00 AM): bullshit
Bro:12 (12:09:03 AM): i don't buy it

See, in the past...I got him great...plenty. First, I just got him with regular links. Then, I learned to disguise the links...you know, have the link say something. But, for now...after about half a dozen times, I think he knows that he can scroll over it to see the link reveal itself...I gotta come up with something else to thwart him!

Viva La Surprise....

Viagra commercials are supposed to insight many things.

Hope for the ancient dicked.

Disgust for younger people.

Annoyance by us who watch tv and see it a million times.

I have another thought that comes to mind...about gray pubes mashing...does anyone else think about this? I mean, you know old people don't keep up with things down there.

I used to work at a day camp that was at a public university. We had a designated swimming time allotted for the campers. Well, in the showers would be the pool members...all old guys...ass naked...it was awful...I mean, dude...c'mon, these are little kids...nobody and I mean nobody, especially little kids, wants to see this shit.

What was amazing was the pubeage of these old dudes. I mean, they had pube beards down to their mid thighs...I'm not even joking. The shower soaked, gray pubes were woolly...whatever semblance of dicks these guys were packing were nowhere to be seen.

Now, I don't even want to imagine these things, viagra inflated, in action attacking a fellow pube forest.

Fatherless children...unite!

Nobody to play catch with...wah wah wah...wow!

This is a fantastic product! And I had a great father and a brother who would often run back inside like a little sissy! Sorry, Fatty.

How many times did you not have anyone to play catch with as a kid?

I would hire this kid....

I would hire this kid...go to about :50 in the clip...the kid will appear in the foreground, lower right. He's hilarious to me! Fantastic acting...the expressions he makes captures the essence of teenie angst/frustration with our parents. Not to mention...carefully watch his lips...I think he mouths, "What the fuck..."

Goatee, beer gut, and hillbilly...all prerequisites...except the Bumgardner (still hillbilly, though)

Nicotine to the eye...

In an agreement to help me lose weight and curb my hunger, my fiancee has tentatively agreed to allow me to dip again...after 2 years of kicking the habit. There's no doubt it helps, but it is an awful habit...it's just so very, very delicious.

Dip is very messy. No matter how many times you wash your hands, you can't get all of it off our pinch fingers...which happen to be my right pointer and thumb. My right pointer happens to be my contact applier and remover finger.

So, when I'm handling my contacts after dipping, no matter how many washes, I still get nicotine directly to the eye. It stings so intensely! Only for a moment, though.

Oh, the price I pay for a simple indulgence...

Astepro...

It's a new nasal spray...I couldn't find the commercial online, but all I can say is...boy, the marketing department was asleep at the wheel on this one.

Ass-te-pro...seriously???

Cheering for the fat guy running...

I've picked up a new hobby: running. I know, it sounds shocking...I've always hated it, but hey, I've always love to punish myself...at least this is healthy.

So I tried to go to Antrim Park the other day after work. Of course, there wasn't a parking spot available. Everyone in Columbus was there. No thanks.

So, I decided to head back home and try running in the church parking lot across the street.

It went great until I was about 3/4 of the way through my run.

First, what appeared to be the pastor showed up...and he decided to engage me...probably in hopes of converting me....but he didn't...he was just being a nice person.

Then, up the ridge, came a wacky father and his teenaged son with their dumb as fuck black lab.

Of course, in this situation, one would expect the teenager to misbehave. But he didn't. He was mild mannered, respectful and was all about walking his dog.

But no, this asshole old man got goin on me. I have to stop every now and then to catch my breath. And when I did, this wisefuck starts cheering and clapping like he's at the Boston Marathon.

"Woo-hoo...Come on, buddy!"

God...I didn't even know how to react. I couldn't smile, not bc I was tired, but bc this is about the rudest thing you could do...disguised as being nice...pure phoniness.

He's cheering and shit...for like 5 mins. Unfortunately for me, I was out of breath and I couldn't muster up anything to say. Fortunately even more for him, he was about half a football field away from me.

It ruined my day. I just want to work out ya know. Lose my college weight...and I gotta be heckled by some bozo who can't keep his dog from feasting on it's own dog shit (which is what it was doing the whole time).

The last thing I was gonna do was be amusement for this dicksucker...so, I ran across the street and through my front door...and finished on the elliptical.

I think I'm gonna stay on this bitch for awhile. Sure, it's not as good as running...but even with my new shoes, running is murder on my feet. Of course, I'll still go on runs with my fiancee, but I think I'm gonna do the bulk of my workouts on the elliptical. I can blog more...and of course, watch my big screen...much better than dealing with fellow joggers, dogs, the elements, and people enjoying my suffering like their watching an execution and a ballgame wrapped into one.

South Park's Kanye West Gay Fish...

Buckle up your groceries!

So I did some light grocery shopping today at Marc's...just needed to pick up a few items.

My Jeep is packed with display building material, so I couldn't put anything in the back. Therefore, all of my groceries had to be placed in the front seat.

Well, Marc's had a great 3/$10 deal on Pepsi Max 12 packs...so I was all over that...but you also got a free Diet Pepsi 12 pack. This, combined with my other purchases created enough weight to activate my seatbelt safety sensor.

It has become an industry standard in new vehicles. If someone or in this case, something is in either one of the front seats with the car on, the car is going to let you know that they need to buckle up.

I only live a couple miles from Marc's, but after about 3 blocks...the beeping became unbearable. So, while stopped at a traffic light, I buckled up my groceries.

I dunno if there even is a solution to this, as having an off button for the seatbelt warning defeats the purpose as the millions who continue to drive unbuckled and love the thrill of entertaining the possibility of crashing out the front windshield and eating pure asphalt is still appealing.

So in the meantime, I guess all of us with this neat little safety feature are going to have to cope by buckling up......our groceries.

Jim Rome on Softball Guy...

What it's like to work a 20 hour day...

It's the third time I've done this in the past year.

We have these things called resets. Basically, the store wants to reorganize itself b/c it has been a slacker for too long and finally, they are fed up with themselves.

This reset occured in Zanesville at 6 pm. I don't want to miss out on sales, so I worked my normal 7-5 day...no big.

Now with these resets, you never know what to expect...but what I'm learning quickly is to always anticipate the worst.

I knew shit wasn't going to go well when they wanted to move the entire cereal aisle...however, the aisle where we were intending to move everything was full of flour. Flour is fucking heavy...and dusty. So, we slaved and slaved and moved the flour. I was supposed to get help from one of these brokers. His coworkers mentioned that he had conveniently "thought the reset was the next nite." God.

So I bust my dick all nite. All nite. While you slept. While everyone else in the world is sleeping. While that cunthole who ditched me is sleeping.

And I create magic...but I didn't completely finish...so at 3 am, I called it quits and drove home. I ended up returning today to finish it.

It ruined my week and hurt my sales numbers...and I went above and beyond and I didn't end up getting paid anymore money for working overtime. There really is no advantage to it. Union guys, listen up...I did it bc I love my job, my company, and the fat paycheck they deposit into my bank account every two weeks. I did it to show thanks to my company, as well as to go above and beyond to provide stellar service to my customers. Union guy, you won't understand that...bc you would have gone home as soon as your 8 hours were up...errr, after 3 15 min breaks and a 30 min lunch...so, 6 hours plus a poop break. You people make me sick and until GM, Ford, and the rest of the Union exclusive companies in the entire states of Michigan and Ohio figure it out that Unions are corrupt, outdated, and promote sloth...you can suck it...bc in one nite, I worked half your work week.

I have to watch what I say...

To my loyal readers,

I have to watch what I say. Unlike most controversial bloggers in the world, I'm not anonymous, I'm not anti-establishment, and I'm not unemployed. I work for the man and as honest as my posts are, the vast majority of people, primarily corporate types, would despise my stuff. So, this is going to be an invite only thing.

Lose your gut, not your personality....

In trying to shed weight and I am stunned by my change in attitude...but, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I was in stellar shape...maybe even a little narcissistic and I had a bit of a bad attitude and outlook on life.

But when I got fat, I mellowed out. I was less concerned about how I looked and felt. I wasn't so uptight. I wasn't worried about impressing anyone. It honestly helped make me the happy, successful person I am.

Over the years, I've watched friends and peers struggle with weight problems/body issues. I've seen people completely let themselves go and become morbidly obese, but I've seen even more of my peers shape up and their new abs and biceps detracted from their personality and they were just a shell of their old self.

Gone were the smiles, jokes, looseness, unselfishness and in with the selfish self image. I can remember these guys starving themselves, eating nothing but apples and peanut butter sandwiches and working out for 5 hours everyday. Is that really anyway to live? Who am I to debate that...I liked to just sit around and drink beers and eat.

Whether you agree with that lifestyle or not, one thing cannot be ignored. When you become so preoccupied with yourself: you health, your appearance, you attractiveness...part of who you were dies with that plate of stromboli you refuse to eat or that six of beer you no longer enjoy on the weekend. Being a health nutcase is a religion in itself and I caution those who venture down that road...just bc you start shaping up on the outside, the beautiful inner you can easily get dissolved away! Don't believe me? Think about the hottest, most popular girl in high school...how was her personality? Probably smelled like an unwashed elephant grundle.

Back to my quest...wow, I'm getting after it. This is by far the hardest I've worked since retiring from sports. There's a shitload of pressure, believe it or not. My family bugs me all the time for being fat (yes, I'm lucky I wasn't born a girl...I'd have an eating disorder for sure). My friends dig me for being fat. People judge me for being fat. My coworkers judge me for being fat. My fiancee wants me to be skinny again...and I can't blame her...I dunno how I'd feel if she put on 50 lbs in 3 years.

But what she must realize...I'm a busy guy and much of the time that is typically spent with her will now selfishly be spent on me...and losing a significant portion of me. And this has placed a bit of a strain on our relationship, lately.

I'm chippy. I'm rude. I'm taking out a lot of my angst on her. Fuck, I hate working out...but, I feel that she is somehow responsible for some of my weight gain simply bc it correlates since we've been together! Maybe that's an easy way to justify it and even though that's how I chose act, those were my actions that got me to my fatness. So, I am officially owning it. Now, that can't mean that you can get in the way. EVERYONE...steer clear of me. Don't invite me to eat at Golden Corrale. Don't ask me to go drinking. Don't ask me to take a trip to the store with you during my workout time.

To desire to be rocked up, you have to be conceited and it's very hard for someone like me who really doesn't dwell on my physique. Yeah, I'm being a fruitcake and counting calories like a 10th grade girl, and eating Kashi like a fuckin tree hugger, and staying away from pasta and booze. It's sad, bc pasta and booze are a big part of who I am! Literally! And without that, I'm already a different person...and I can't have that back until my fat is gone!

Honestly, the main motivators to get back in shape are these...in this order:

1. I hate not being able to eat and drink what I want. I love having some beers. I love cooking great meals. I like going out to awesome restaurants. Every single time I indulge, I hear about it. I'm fuckin sick of it.
2. I'm tired of talking about how fat I am everynite to my father and every weekend to my grandparents. I'm tired of talking about my fatness to my friends when I haven't seen them in a long time. I'm tired of talking to my coworkers about it. I'm just tired of talking about it, ok...I get the point...I'm still fat and I'm doing the best I can to fix it. Just shut up, already...there is so much more to talk about. You aren't helping. I don't need 500 weight therapists. To lose weight, the fatty has to do it on their own, ok.
3. I want to look good for my wedding...really, I could give a fuck. But, EVERYONE else gives a fuck...so how can I disappoint everyone!?
4. There are other types of favors I want again.

So, I'm getting after it...fighting the battle against my waist, but also within. I don't want to lose my personality...I don't want to be completely different person when I drop this fat. So, really...I have two goals...lose my gut...but keep my personality.

Another useful as seen on tv product....

I want to reiterate to the readers...I do not support the vast majority of the as seen on tv products. The vast majority of them are junk and I was reminded of that from my family when I was young. But I couldn't help but think that shit, some of those must work. And they do.

I got a Save A Blade for Christmas bc I spend thousands a year on blades. Working for a large corporation and having thick as beard stubble does not work out well on the wallet. It's one of the reasons I refuse to upgrade from my Mach 3...shit will just get more and more expensive!

I even quit my Mach 3 for awhile bc after 2 uses, it was dull as a plastic cutlery. So, my mother in law got wind of this and purchased me a Save A Blade.

Does it work? Fuck yeah...but, you must be using a gillette made multi blade. Sure, it works for other disposables, but nowhere near as well.

I can comfortably use a single blade cartridge for a month! That's pretty damned good!

So, if you have a thick beard and want to stimulate the economy with some disposable income, grab a Save A Blade!

It's on, softball guys....

So, I've determined that it's on....Attention all central OH softball guys...I'm going to kick the living piss out of you in rec league at Berliner Park. I am going to treat you like the scum that you are and rely on my baseball skills to do it. I'm gonna talk shit and intimidate...I'm going to almost become you, but I will still know the difference that I have a life and that this is still Rec League softball at Berliner.

Oh...Softball guy...shortly, we shall meet again on your phatasm battlefield....

Softball is the death of any ballplayer. The day you pick up the big ball, you are dead as a ballplayer. It's a fact.

Well, that happened to me last spring. I was talked into playing competitive co-ed softball by some friends. Unfortunately for me, there was no way to prepare for such a horrible experience.

First game, we played the best team in our division. These guys and gals were fucking serious.

Eye black, wristbands, real uniforms, top of the line bats, batting gloves for hitting and running the bases, sunglasses, a guy that had had a sex change into a woman...I mean, they didn't have two beans to put together, but fuck, they had softball gear.

It was appalling. They were rude, talking shit...I mean, stuff I never encountered on a baseball diamond...and yes, shit talking actually DOES happen in copious amounts in competitive baseball. Don't they understand that this is recreational? Don't they understand that this is a sport that ANYONE can play? I mean, it's in the Special Olympics!!

My team isn't very good. It is a motley crew of bar hoppers, degenerates, and delinquents. I think at one time, everybody played JV sports somewhere along the line...but we don't have any standouts. I mean, I fucking play shortstop for christ sakes...something I haven't done in baseball since my freshman year of high school....I think that provides a pretty good gauge for where we stand.

So, another season is brewing...it's just around the corner...and I'm coming to grips with some plans to deal with softball guy.


I get it bad from the softball guys. Since I'm one of the better players on our awful team, they get after me. After legging out an infield hit: "Hey, fatass...nice hustle! Great running form, fatty." After making a diving play: "Look guys, it's a 400 lb Jeter!" When I'm at the bat, "Now batting, Jabba the Hut." ETC....

I was a rookie last year...and I just wasn't prepared. Sure I got into it with these guys, but I just wasn't ready for the level of intensity of the ridicule. This year, I'm coming with it...I'm not hesitating to make fun of softball guy...in fact, I plan on instigating softball guy. I mean, he's never played competitively at anything but the low pressure softball...if someone gets into these guys heads, I bet they crack like bitches.

So, we'll see how it goes. So, softball guy...be prepared, I'm going to emasculate you not with my awesome play, but with shit speak that will horrify you and your fat, 4 toothed girlfriend.

Seeds...so expensive!

So, at Lowe's today...we are interested in starting a little garden. Why not...we have a great spot for it...plus, we like fresh veggies, herbs, and nice flowers.

So, this typical ignorant bitch bumblefucky from central OH is looking at the seeds with her spouse. She's pawing through the seeds frantically and exclaims, "I don't want any of these. They are way more expensive."

Ok...let me reiterate the activity that we were doing. SEED SHOPPING.

In case you don't know, seeds range from $.99 to $1.42. So let's do some rough math, people...how much money could she possibly be saving? I don't think skimping on your seed purchase is gonna effect your spend that much, cunt. MRAGH!!!

Is it wrong to use pet wipes?

They are no different from baby wipes.

But last week, I was running very late for a morning meeting with my boss and honestly, I was a little gamey. I had awakened on time, however, I could not find an important document for the meeting (Hey, I only moved a little while ago). So, I reached for the nearest cure.

Hey, be appalled or call it resourcefulness...I always find a way to win, no matter what it takes.

Ace is gone...

He did this before he left...his new family is going to love him. I couldn't help but feel a bit rotten about not being entirely forthcoming about his behavior, but they have a large fenced in yard...and it sounds like the dogs are kept out there the vast majority of the time...so too bad. HE'S GONE!

All in all, Ace was very nice and loving...but he wasn't the right dog for me...not only was he incredibly dumb, he would leave dumps that looked like Trace Adkins had come by for a beer and had plopped his boots down on the floor.

Documenting the Vagassa...

Not everyone is privileged enough to know what a vagassa is, let alone, if you've ever heard of one....or smelled one.

But, unlike bigfoot and martians, I have scientific proof of a vagassa's existence...in my own home! One of my kitties has a vagassa.

Vagassa(n)-A uniform hole that serves as both a rectum and a vagina. Over time, a vagassa is formed by constant obsessive grooming, causing the taint to be completely eroded away and connecting both orifices as one.

There is nothing more hideous than a vagassa. It reeks...it usually finds its way into my face when Bebe wants attention. It smells like rotten kimchi...sickeningly sweet b.o. with a hint of ass matter...not pleasant.

If you ever want to see it in person, come on by my house...I'm sure Bebe will find someway to flaunt it in your face...that is, if you don't smell it first...or maybe, she might put it on you...eek.

We noticed the vagassa forming about two years ago. It did seem to happen almost overnite. An OCD grooming disorder has caused this seething caldera of stank to form. Once, upon a road trip, the Bebe was very intent and aggressive upon getting extra attention. She would not leave me alone. She mounted my seat from just over my left shoulder and like Shaq posting up Greg Oostertaag, she was forcing her vagassa towards my face. She pushed on me with her heavily soiled ass for almost 10 mins before I was able to find a kitty treat and throw it on the floor. It was an awful experience.

The vagassa has been placed on me a few times. The worst encounter I had with the vagassa was when Bebe sat on my arm while I was sleeping. I awakened to her usual high pitched meow, but accompanied with a squishy, slimey, rubbery feelign spot on my armed! I gasped. I then proceded to wash my arm with lysol.

I love Cheaters re-runs....

Maybe I'm an awful person, but I enjoy falling asleep to episodes of Cheaters...all the crying, moaning, lying...it's awesome to me. The show is a prime example of how disgusting our society is...and, I indulge. Joey Greco is an awful person...I mean, the guy is just pure phony.

They do help people, people who are ignoring the reality of their situation...but at a price...you have to "confront" your soon to be ex-lover for the cameras! Mragh!

I dunno how many of you have seen the show, but fuck...99 out of 100 times, I can't help but see the person being cheated on and go, yep...I know why they're gettin cheated on.

Some people are hideous, unemployed, morbidly obese, just look bad in the sack, look psycho controlling, trophy wife/husband situation, etc. I mean, don't these people know...shit, there's a reason why I'm getting cheated on...in many cases, you can rationalize with the cheater, even though...they aren't in the right at all. Cheating is pretty rotten in my book.

If you are getting cheated on, very, very rarely are you blameless. The signs of your partners' disinterest or the the downhill tumble of your relationship...those signs are all there. They are unmistakable...if you can't sense them, say hello to Joey Greco and prepare to get embarrassed.

To keep yourself from being cheated on, you have to be worth it...you have to be desirable and able to adapt to the changes that occur in a relationship. If you are unwilling to work with your partner, you may also end up on this show.

An open talk with Ace...

Ace does most things great! He's very nice and loving to us and our kitties. However, I've been around many, many dogs in my day...and I'm afraid Ace ranks up there as one of the lightest in the cranium I've ever been around.

People are pleading with us to keep him. My grandparents want to facheme me upside the head for not keeping him...but, I shall outline the argument for not keeping Ace and finding him a home.

1. Ace is dumb-He just isn't too bright. He listens well, but he is fuckin ADD beyond belief. He is distracted by his own farts or if a blade of grass blows in the wind, or if he sniffs too loud. There is a certain degree of concentration, focus, and intelligence that a beast must have to become my dog.

2. Ace doesn't understand urgency-It's not his fault, I guess. Ace, when I take you outside in the morning to piss, it's usually when I'm running late and I don't have 20 mins to watch you stand, wag your tail, and look at me with a confused look on your face. Dude, you have to go piss. I know your old Daddy would only take you out for random smoke breaks and you guys took your time b/c he was a an unemployed, lazy fuck...but Ace, I work long hours and I don't smoke...so get the fuck out there and piss and shit. He does the same shit when we go outside. I let him through the screen, he turns left, heading towards the driveway (no, Ace...that's not where the yard is). We then go out into the yard...I try to remain hopeful, just praying for a bowel movement...probably one of god's stranger, consistent prayer requests. After about 2 mins of sniffing, I encourage him to go pee pee. He acknowledges me with a stupid face and tail wagging. Then, for the next 15-20 mins, he will continue to walk at a leisurely pace around me in a circle, sniffing the ground nervously...and I have to do a little pirouette. This is the most infuriating part, b/c...dude, it's your only chance...I'm not gonna be home til after 5pm! We often take him out 3-4 times in an hour.

3. Ace needs to be told to eat-What fucking dog needs to learn the command "eat?" Good thing I don't have to tell him to "Breathe, Ace...breathe like a good boy!"

4. Ace doesn't know when to just fuck off-Dude, it's not your fault you were severely neglected, but that doesn't mean that you can gain back all those hours of neglect at once with us. We don't need to hang out constantly, with you in my lap, dripping your smegma coated penis all over my leg. Sometimes, I just want to watch tv, or cuddle with my kitty, or write this blog. It's even worse for my fiancee. He CANNOT leave her alone. He is severely possessive of her. He is constantly seeking her approval, in her face on the chaise. Brutal.

5. Ace has accidents moments after coming inside-After a marathon waiting session outside in the cold over the weekend, waiting for him to do anything besides tie me up with his leash and piss, Ace decided to take a dino dump in my basement minutes after I gave up and brought him in. Today, my fiancee let him out...he actually went! Then he came inside and puked everywhere, literally seconds after being brought in.

Ace needs a family that has little kids...a family that can give him infinite love and attention...something that two young professionals cannot.

Welp, guess I finally got use for these here white sheets

Hey Pammy. Pick up em' condom wrappers now. Carry that there sermon to that there toirlet! I gotta have me a clean area to fuck in. This thing between my legs is a phallus. It needs room! Move! Move! Mush! I'm gonna whip ya like one-a them sled dogs ya see on the iditerod if ya don't get movin' faster.

Now my son, he always used to treat my establishment and home like a God-damned brothel or fraternity house! Used to rut them girls on my pool table. Now when guys fuck on my pool table, someone gets hurt! I'm a scrappy ol' cuss. I'll kill eem' if he ever uses my game room as a fuckfest again! I mean it!

Now them coloreds; they come in all shapes and sizes. Some er' small. Some er' big. Some er' even intelligent! I met me a colored the other day on my family's plantation in Washington Courhouse that could count to 7. I wanted to bring eem' home with me here to Grove City to show em' to all my friends. He said he couldn't leave and I reckon I understand that. He has to work the land if he wants to eat. Now get back to work, I told eem'.

Ya see you just have to listen to em'. You don't ignore your pets do ya? Well..... then..... don't ignore them coloreds.

Now if I woke up and it was a perfect world; I'd be the president of TruGreen and we'd only have one race. White aryan. No need for them others. They just clog things up. I like my line at McDonalds short and quick, thank you very much. No need to wait on my coffee. I want to finish first.

And the coloreds would still be sitting in the back of the bus. Why fix something if it ain't broken. That's all I'm sayin', man.

Now Run Eem' Run eem' Run eem' Run eem' run-run-run-run em'.

Exposing the Early Risers...

Dude, we all know the early riser...they are such bad asses...and they let you know about it.

"Uhhh-Uhhh...I woke up at 3:12am. Uhhh...I get up so early this morning."

They fuckin go on and on about how early they got up this morning...blah blah blah...

But what 95% of them forget to tell you is that they went to bed at 7pm the nite before.

I know several of these types. My father, for one, is always up at 5am every morning. After a long ass day at work, he usually falls asleep on the couch by 8pm. How many hours of sleep is that? 9 hrs.

One of my co-workers is a corporate disciple. He's up everyday at 6 am to go workout and start his day. But, when we go on business trips, he's in bed by 9 consistently. He quietly admits to us that he's in bed very early. That's a respectable 8 hours.

My father in law works like a dog and owns his own business. He's up at 4:15 am everyday and "goes to bed at 10:30pm" everynite. He fuckin clucks about it at least 15x a day (Pop, you are YOUR own boss doing something you adore...it's a good life...try workin for the mutha fuckin man for a bit...oh, that's right, you didn't like that b/c they wanted you to cut your hair and shave). What he fails to tell you, b/c he's already asleep in his lazy boy by then, is it's 7:30 and he's fuckin out cold. Cold. He is only led to bed by his wife and tucked in around 10:30...so techincally, he can brag that he goes to bed at 10:30 everynite...do the math..that's over 9 hours of sleep!

So, what about us normal folks. What about us? We take care of our shit in the evenings....our families, pets, extra curriculars, tv, entertainment etc.. and only find the time to get to bed by midnite or later...and we have to be up by 5 or 6? What about us...yes, you early riser fucks have beaten us by an hour or so, but you've had almost double the sleep we have had! We should start bragging..."Uhhhhhhh...5 hours of sleep...uhhhhhh!" This adds up and quite frankly, it makes it difficult to get up so fuckin early with the old people. We did a great body of work, in all facets of our lives today...all while you SLEPT. So who is the lazy one?

So, early risers...try living in my world without your 8+ hours of beauty sleep. Try working 10 hours, coming home to take care of the 4 cats and dog, cook dinner, clean up, and plan the next day....all on a max of 5 hrs of sleep!

Pop..everytime I call you at 8 pm, the phone rings like five times and you answer all sleepily, clearing your throat and shit...I know you've been sleeping...look at the time! You aren't tough!

And quit bragging about how early you all get up and lying about what time you "go to bed." It's not about what time your wife drags your ass to the bedroom, it's what time you start watching the back of your eyelids and for the very vast majority of you, it's right after dinner. You early risers make a choice...you choose to neglect the extra perks in life and choose sleep over living your lives...so I offer, who is really living...who is really lazy?

Foofen the Miniature and The Flower Arrangement...

My soon to be mother in law enjoys making crafts in whatever spare time she has (she doesn't have much...lux downsizing).

About a year ago, she made us this very pretty fake flower basket.

I mean, it's nice and all...I'm not one for flowers...or fake flowers for that matter, but it is swell. However, since the day it has come into our household, it has been under siege from kitties and unfortunately, it holds not the glorious grandeur it once beheld.

Here is documentation of what can happen when your miniature kitty decides to attack and eventually just lay in the fake flower arrangement like it is her own bed. Shame on you, Foofen!

Pepsi Max is about as legit a product as there is...

Asides from the fact that it burst open in my work bag the other day and it has been endorsed by that chotch Tony Romo and the dirtiest player in the NFL, Brian Dawkins (yes, I don't care how many charity awards he's won...he tackles guys who are already down helmet first all the time...mix in a Denver game next year, you'll see it!)...Pepsi Max is fuckin awesome.

I'm the kind of person that is extremely sensitive to energy drinks and large amounts of coffee...it fucks my system up and makes me jittery. But Pepsi Max just has the right mixture to get you "up" without shocking your system. It's just the right amount of caffeine and ginseng.

I've been drinking it since it came out...and this is a fine product and I recommend it to all you people looking for an edge over the competition.

Wow! I'm not impressed...

So, b/c of where we live, we sadly couldn't keep our ATT Uverse. It was fantastic! We got away from Time Warner, aka, the Great Satan and their dogshit excuses for a customer service department, their constant down service, and creepy sexual harassment cable guys.

Uverse is godliness...great internet speed, great free on demand selection, a shit ton of channels, and you can record 4 shows at once on your dvr....BALLIN!

All...no longer in my grasps.

So, we got Wow! in here b/c we aren't going back to the great Satan. So far, the channel selection has been great, the free HD channels are nice...but only 2 shows can DVR at once and we've already had customer service issues.

Whatever bumblefucky they sent out the other day to bury the cable, well, he fucked the cable halfway to China, so the internet was down...nice job, cockface. My neighbor has Wow!...and when it was installed, the same thing happened to him! Sounds like a pattern here. I remember the guy...he looked like fuckin Otto Mann from the Simpsons...and you could just look into the eyes and go, wow...there is nothin in there.

Well, we got it fixed at least.

A MUTHA FUCKIN SHAMWOW!!!!!!!!???????

When you're a man who works hard for his money, nothing...NOTHING will piss you off more than a wasteful purchase. Sure enough, my fiancee showed up with a Shamwow set the other day.

I flipped my shit...I thought I was gonna have a coronary. I called her every name in the book, used my typical, "uhhh...you're gonna be the dumbest fuckin doctor ever...uhhh...all booksmarts, no street sense, uhhhhh!"

In less than 12 hours, I had already used the Shamwow 4 times.

First, I needed to dry some dishes. There were no hand towels in my kitchen, so...I popped open the box of Shamwows and grabbed the one...ya know...the one for "everyday use...for the kitchen..."

It did the job.

Well, I went to let Ace, the foster dog out...and I set my work bag down. When I got outside, I noticed there was a puddle where my work bag had been initially set down outside so I could retrieve my garbage bins. Well, I knew I had an unopened Diet Pepsi Max in there, and I formed the conclusion immediately that it was no longer unopened.

And there was my soda soaked work bag, sitting on my brand new couch! FHHHHHACK! I sprang into action, grabbed the nearest upholstery cleaner and a Shamwow. I cleaned the fuck outta it and set it next to my dehumidifier. Sure enough, no stain.

I was out of Swiffer pads (and they are fuckin expensive, anyways.) So, I grabbed a Shamwow, sprayed it down with some Lysol, and went to down on my linoleum.

Ace had an accident...went to the Shamwow.

All I can say, as fuckin annoying as that hooker beater is, this is a great product...and now I'm not gonna be spending $60 g a year in paper towels or whatever he says we spend.

Ace makes a Gordian Knot out of a blanket and a dog crate...

My Foster dog, Ace is easily excited. However, upon my return from work yesterday, I was shocked at what I saw!

In his crate, we keep a hideous, technicolor, flamuese blanket. It is hideous and comes from my fiancee's half of things. Well, Ace somehow managed to stuff this blanket through the cage...it was as if a strongman had pulled it through from the outside of the cage. That was the odd thing. I could understand if he had accomplished the feat by pulling the blanket, but this had to have been somehow PUSHED through the cage.




I struggled mightily with this blanket! It was delaying me from setting up my new TV. I was enraged. I was sweating, panting...battling with this blanket! It was completely stuck...and, like Alexander the Great, I choose to cheat. I reached for my Easy Cut Box cutter...yeah, this thing is bad ass...and I began slashing at the technicolor blanket in a rage!

The cutting did not help. So, I decided to stand on the crate floor and pull with all my strength...and I finally relinquished the technicolor blanket from the cage. Ace was really enjoyed the display. I kept cursing at him, asking him..."Ace...what the fuck did you do??" He just would paw at me and make a dumb, happy face.

So, am I greater than Alexander...I didn't cheat by cutting my Gordian Knot.

A demonstration of my Fiancee's ability to do laundry...

Wrangled inside that king sized sheet is a laundry pile monster from Hell.

She may be primed and ready to go to Med School and become an orthopedic surgeon, but when it comes to housework...she just can't cut it. Exhibit A above.

She claims it was b/c we were moving. This laundry pile weighed at least 60 lbs.