My Mooch Friend

I think mostly everyone has that one friend who you love to death that will rob you blind. That guy that when he shows up to your house, he is 2/1 odds to walk to the fridge and see whats in there. That guy who will ding you for gas money even though he was making the trip somewhere anyways. That fuckin' guy who will somehow keep track of everything he does for you and somehow always comes out ahead; not leaving you a chance to get even.

Do you have a friend like that? Because I do.

I've known this fella since we were toddlers really. We grew up neighbors. We used to trade baseball cards and one time he convinced me to give him a Mike Schmidt rookie card (valued over $100 at the time) for a Darryl Strawberry Bowman piece of shit worth 20 cents. He exploited my weakness because he knew I loved Darryl Strawberry. My mom made me trade him back, and he didn't forgive me for it for a long time. But fuck that, he shouldn't have boned me like that.

He is the kind of distinguished gentleman who will not do any work for you without something in it for him. He is simply not wired that way. Even if he messes up and does you a small favor by accident, you still owe him in his mind. He is Steve Polychronopolous. He will eat the last slice. You will get him an extra Yankee ticket, and he'll show alright. He will accept money from your parents for mowing your lawn. He will rub elbows with those that can benefit him most. He winds up being friends with people from all walks of life that own a boat for his fishing use, or four wheelers to drive whenever, or even plug your toilet with his giant shits.

He will take off work to go hunting and do things with his family, but the one day you want him to take off work for a ballgame he cannot make it (unless the ticket is free and you put together an enticing enough package for him to not be able to decline).

There is no woman on earth who doesn't desire him, just ask him. You went out with so and so? Well she liked him at one point. Seriously. He'll tell you that.

If you have just sat down to enjoy a nice dinner, expect him to tell you that "he's never had that (dish) before". That is his way of asking nicely can he have some. And he will always stick his fork in your shit and if he likes it (and he always does) he will not mind coming back for seconds and thirds and more. He'll then most likely cordially anounce that your dinner was really good and he'll have to get it himself sometime (bullshit).

His idea of buying you lunch is a $4 dollar salad at Wendy's. Order water. You will not question his values, his family, or anything he does. Because it was simply better then the way you were brought up. His way is the best way, you see.

He is that guy who took his homecoming date out in highschool and forgot his wallet. You were his best friend so you had to buy both of their dinners, you weren't going to let him wash dishes. He will discredit your accomplishments, talking most often about things he has done to top yours. His greatest ballgames in his glory days were much better then yours.

Love em to death though. Every had a mooch friend?