The Cheesecake Factory Hell

Some things are just avoidable.

My grandfather says, "You can't beat experience." Let's just say, I can smell a bad situation before it happens.

I was informed that to celebrate my birthday, my fiancee's birthday, and her friend, Anne's Bday...we were going out the the Cheesecake factory.

Things weren't looking good when my friend went there last nite with his wife and is now laid up with food poisoning as we speak. So, sorry...I was already going in not wanting to eat anything.

Like a good fiancee, I offered to do reservations. As "upscale" as the Cheesecake Factory supposedly is, amazingly, they don't take reservations. Ok. Then, since my fiancee, Anne, and her friends had to work, I offered to get there early and reserve some seating. I was made to feel like a complete idiot.

Well, we get there at 6:30. 6:30 on a Saturday nite on the first really nice day of the year. It was a mess. Literally a thousand people at this chinsy, overfuckin priced restaurant. We put our name in...FOR A 3 HOUR WAIT.

By now, I'm furious. Now, Anne's entourage was a girl named Skeletor and a guy named Allen. Anne is one of those people who means well, but is a part of the population that harbors no couth or tact. Her mouth is constantly open, mouthing off, saying things she shouldn't...she has no grace...she just isn't very gentlewomanly at all...in fact, she's fit in much better as a pirate hooker. Skeletor was kinda the same....rude, rude, rude. Just basically, girly girls who have nothing in common with my fiancee, but no matter what...we're still gonna hang out with them...AND HOLD THEIR OPINION TO THE HIGHEST REGARDS!!!!

But fuck, they don't care about the 3 hr wait! We're in a mall! Yay!!!!!! Funny that women don't mind that.

Well, at 7:15, we return to this fuckin high class place and wait in line to get a beeper. My fiancee requests a drink from the bar...that actually cheers me up a bit. I requested her first drink. The barkeep has never heard of it. "2 Crown and Dr. Peppers, please." They don't have Dr. Pepper. "Coke is fine."

Then, with a straight face, this guy says, "16.50." I was appalled. $8.25 a drink...where are we...fuckin south beach...the Hamptons. I mean, we are at the Cheesecake Factory in Columbus, OH right????

By now, the anger has consumed me. I finish my drink and order another. Stella on tap. My fiancee is eager to try and cheer me up. She was carrying the cash, so she handed me 4 bucks. I immediately say, "That ain't gonna be enough." She gets enraged and hands me a 5 more.

I come back with my drink. She says, "So....how much was it????" "$7.75." She thought I was fucking with her. No...no I wasn't

By now, after we've waited in line the majority of the time for them, Anne, Skeletor, and Allen were kind enough to finally join us for dinner! Yes, while we held their place in line for them...THEY WENT SHOPPING!!! YAYY!!! We get seated by 9ish, at which point, I'm so disgusted with this shithole full of idiotic sheep, I've lost my appetite, my feet hurt like a mother fucker...oh wait...we were celebrating my birthday, too.

Since I was being a miserable bastard, I was going to have the courtesy to cover everyone's meals. I usually do this anyways, as I understand that not everyone is fortunate enough to have as good a job as me. Just being fuckin classy, as usual...plus, I was in a horrible mood and being totally unreasonable. I mean, you wouldn't be pissed waiting for a seat for 3 hours with two asshole bitches, would you?

I was being accused of being wasted drunk...by Anne and Skeletor at the table in their asides conversations. My fiancee is usually great and we agree on a lot of things, but fuck forbid if one of her so called friends has a problem with me, she's the first to abandon me and not defend me just because I'm being myself...not doing anything out of the ordinary. Who cares if I've been tragically misled and forced to hold somebody's spot in line while they go do a recreational activity that they enjoy.

Well, for those of you who know my abilities, I wouldn't call 6 beers and two mixed drinks over the span of 7 hours drunk? Would you?? Hmm...let's get out our Dare charts...and body weight charts...hmmm.

I had mentioned I was going to cover everyone's meal....until certain things happened.... Anne was being her typical uncouth self, acting like a 16 yr old spoiled bitch and throwing dirty digs at me. I'm sorry that your plan for our birthdays sucked. I inquired as to why we didn't try and get here earlier...and Skeletor nearly came across the table at me, "B/c we had to work today!!!"

Ohhhhhhhhh...well, excuse the fuck outta me! I'm sorry that you work an emu shit profession that pays you slightly above minimum wage and forces you to work weekends! See, us successful people...the majority of the adult world...we don't have to do that! And, Ms. Beeeeetch, I offered to come here early and secure us a table! Didn't know that, did you??? But my offer was of no interest to Skeletor. She was most concerned with pecking at her $17 hamburger (which she ate 2 bites of).

Our poor waitress had been fucked. She was clearly working the majority of the tables on the other side of the restaurant. Our table and the table behind us were the only two on our side of the restaurant she had. She was having trouble getting to us in a timely manner. Skeletor and Anne could not shut the fuck up about the service..."where is she???? Where the fuck is she????" But me, being uncouth, I explained what was taking so long. But they didn't care...they were acting appropriate; bitching and carrying on like the two nagging preppy whores they are.

Well, they came with little birthday cakes for us. Again, I wasn't going to eat mine. But Skeletor, WITHOUT ASKING, just came across the table and took my cake when she realized I wasn't going to eat it! adfn;akjldsnfjkandskfnan;dfs

I mean, who fucking does that??? WHO JUST TAKES YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE?????? I wasn't going to eat it, but still...just...reached across the table and snatched it like a little brown crotched bird. Peep...peep.

But again, I was acting rude, I was too drunk, and I was acting inappropriate.

For whatever reason, I'm a bad person b/c when I'm in a hideous situation such as this, I'm going to voice my opinion and want to bail immediately. And I don't care...if you are going out to eat someplace, I don't care if they are giving away free filet mignon...if they say, THREE HOUR WAIT and they're charging 8 bucks for beer on tap...you find somewhere else to eat.