Oh...Softball guy...shortly, we shall meet again on your phatasm battlefield....

Softball is the death of any ballplayer. The day you pick up the big ball, you are dead as a ballplayer. It's a fact.

Well, that happened to me last spring. I was talked into playing competitive co-ed softball by some friends. Unfortunately for me, there was no way to prepare for such a horrible experience.

First game, we played the best team in our division. These guys and gals were fucking serious.

Eye black, wristbands, real uniforms, top of the line bats, batting gloves for hitting and running the bases, sunglasses, a guy that had had a sex change into a woman...I mean, they didn't have two beans to put together, but fuck, they had softball gear.

It was appalling. They were rude, talking shit...I mean, stuff I never encountered on a baseball diamond...and yes, shit talking actually DOES happen in copious amounts in competitive baseball. Don't they understand that this is recreational? Don't they understand that this is a sport that ANYONE can play? I mean, it's in the Special Olympics!!

My team isn't very good. It is a motley crew of bar hoppers, degenerates, and delinquents. I think at one time, everybody played JV sports somewhere along the line...but we don't have any standouts. I mean, I fucking play shortstop for christ sakes...something I haven't done in baseball since my freshman year of high school....I think that provides a pretty good gauge for where we stand.

So, another season is brewing...it's just around the corner...and I'm coming to grips with some plans to deal with softball guy.


I get it bad from the softball guys. Since I'm one of the better players on our awful team, they get after me. After legging out an infield hit: "Hey, fatass...nice hustle! Great running form, fatty." After making a diving play: "Look guys, it's a 400 lb Jeter!" When I'm at the bat, "Now batting, Jabba the Hut." ETC....

I was a rookie last year...and I just wasn't prepared. Sure I got into it with these guys, but I just wasn't ready for the level of intensity of the ridicule. This year, I'm coming with it...I'm not hesitating to make fun of softball guy...in fact, I plan on instigating softball guy. I mean, he's never played competitively at anything but the low pressure softball...if someone gets into these guys heads, I bet they crack like bitches.

So, we'll see how it goes. So, softball guy...be prepared, I'm going to emasculate you not with my awesome play, but with shit speak that will horrify you and your fat, 4 toothed girlfriend.