The Evils of the Wedding Registry are Upon Me....

Yes, it’s getting to be that time. My wedding. One of the many disgusting acts that I have to semi-participate in is the gift registry. In my experience, registries are ridiculous, absurd in all forms…a pure combination of megalomania and material needs spilling over the banks, just out of control. The concept of pre-selecting gifts is just pure evil to me. Why do I need gifts for my wedding anyways? I mean, I suppose I should get some nice shit for having to put up with her, but that’s the thing…I’m really not interested in what she says we need. I mean, I suppose if I registered at Best Buy, Guitar Center, or the Mets and Giants’ team stores, I guess that would be cool. Well, I guess they aren’t on my list. It’s ok, though. I have been well prepared! My family was not good at giving gifts. Usually, a week before Christmas or my birthday, my mother would inquire into what I wanted, since she didn’t really know what I was interested in and she had procrastinated beyond belief. It’s ok, I mean she was a busy woman. She was a full time stay at home mom who never did house work and would cook about 3 meals a week. She was terribly busy! I’d even give her the benefit of the doubt… I’ve always been unselfish. I’ve always been grizzled. I never needed material things to satisfy me: name brand clothes, gadgets, etc. But, for her sake, I’d think long and hard about a specific item that I could be happy with…and still, in the end, she’d never get it! Fuck. I have found my perception on material things change. Now over the years, that as I have started “earning” such items instead of never having them, I have begun to enjoy them even more! I guess that’s what happens when you attend school with a bunch of spoiled elitists….they rub off on you!

My fiancée is examining treasures with a guilty look upon her face. It is as if she is planning some great military operation of conquest, but knows that great losses are coming. Every store has been narrowed from a list of 10 (I didn’t know there were 10 stores that fit the category). Stores I haven’t even heard of are on the final cut of 4ish. They do have pretty sick kitchen gadgets, which are a must.

I must admit one thing, although this is not my thing, I want you all that will be getting us wedding gifts to know that in all my years’ of heinous, hideous gifts…not once have I returned one! Never!! I did relinquish the Starbuck’s card my boss gave me for Christmas…that’s it! So if you’re going to get us a good gift, it will be used!

I have heard horrible stories about people returning all the gifts. Even one example of a mother returning all the baby gifts in exchange for a flat screen tv!!!!!!!! Wow!!!! Why even make the people waste their time finding the gifts, paying for shipping. Look, our caffeinated society has evolved enough to the point that gift giving has lost it’s edge immensely! If you want cash for your gift, fuck it…ask for it straight up! Donations around.

Our registry is full of thought provoking, meaningful gifts of dire need! Yes, I need a homemade pasta maker! Yes I need an all in one pasta strainer and pot for 120 bucks! Yes, I need new flannel bedding. We need this shit and I expect every item to be accounted for, goddammit or I wouldn’t have put it on the list. I hope you are saving up your money, bitches. I don’t give a fuck about the economy…you better have me a sick-ass wedding gift. MRAGH!

In reality, we’ve considered not doing gifts. However, apparently the old women live for this shit like the religious watching of The View. I’m never one for handouts, but I can assure you…I eat a lot of fucking pasta and that all-in-one pot is pretty sick.