Man vs. People of Walmart Neighbors...

I own a nice house in a nice subdivision in a nice suburb of Columbus. My house is pretty much perfect for my family, except for one glaring thing....

We knew it going in....my house is located on the very edge of the subdivision in a culdesac. I'm at the edge of the culdesac...the rest of the buildings are worn duplexes, which means renters, which means Walmart/Nascar/Bush Lite crowd.....fuck, even one guys is a sex offender....these people, for the most part, are ignorant pricks....and I hate them...they make so much goddamned noise...blasting country and arguing into the street with cigarette choked raspy voices, (at 2 am sometimes)....drinking Great Value Walmart beer all day collecting their welfare checks, mragh mragh mragh!!!

I use two cinder blocks to keep my dogs barricaded inside their fence bc fuck for bid they get out....they will eviscerate every single one of these "my parents are cousins" fuckstains....

Well, the duplex next door had their driveway sealed. Not an issue, right....

Wrong...I get home and one of my blocks is missing...apparently the lazy dipshit contractor went into my yard and took one of my cinder blocks from the fence to anchor some caution tape!

I wouldn't care, but I need that cinder block to keep the dogs in....

I wanted to go over there and just cut the line and reclaim my block, but I'm much classier than that. I could knock on their doors to let them know what I'm doing...but fuck them, they didn't pay for the seal job...they're renters! Plus, I don't wanna interact with these white trash fucks...I hate them...

I reclaimed my block triumphantly and I was even nice enough to replace it with one of my spare waste baskets to keep the caution tape intact.

As I was returning to my house, one of the neighbor's friends pulls up....and it's on....

This guys is 50ish, 5'10", a fat as fuck 260ish, drunk as fuck, with a Packers hat on (I lived in Milwaukee...he didn't have a Wisco accent).....

"Derp, da derp....did you take dat brick?! Dayhhhhh dayhhh!!"

"Sir, that's my block. I use it to keep my dogs barricaded."

"Well, did you ask, boy?" [Typical crusty old fuck trying to intimidate a younger lad...I love this kinda shit....just bc you're older, you're gonna like whoop my ass with a belt like I'm 12.]

"Sir....that's my block. I don't NEED to ask anyone." [Did anyone ask permission to take it, you fuck mime?]

"Ah, da derper derp...that's bullshit...I seen dat contractor m'self bring dat same block in on his truck!"

"No he didn't...mind your own business...." [Now, I'm getting pissed...I stop walking and I face to confront this prick who is 30 ft away, heading to my next door neighbor's house.]

"Well why don't you worry about go and get more dogs....[all I could understand of the rambling, incoherent, drunken, inaudible townie fuckspeak as he's running inside with his fat son....]

BTW, I love people who talk shit, retreating, and with their kids with them....like, most serial killers won't kill a person in front of their kid...me, a normal person (loosely) is going to stomp out a kid's father in front of the kid...

My wife and I left for a quick Costco run....upon my return, the cinderblock is still in place....of course the cowardly pussies aren't gonna take the block back....

Pick up stix....

Picked up a bat(baseball) for the first time in 2 years....mind you I just had wrist surgery and am finally cleared to do things....I'm at about 80%...and it's feeling better than it ever did in college....

But even though it was only 4 years ago, it seems like a lifetime since my last game....my junior year...I cried bc I knew it was my last game...I had lost any desire to play the game anymore...my vices had gotten the best of me....my eyesight worse than my grandparents, my anxiety and depression nearly consumed me, my wrist injuries left me unable to check my swing...the sanctuary that baseball was when I was growing up in a horrible home no longer existed bc of my environment and a rotten coach...

There's a lot of what ifs, but I'm just a shell of the prospect I once was....I still have that swing....and I thank my friend Clint for convincing me to go hit with him yesterday....

For the first time in almost a decade, hitting in the cage was just that....my escape...from school, my head, my awful drunken mother, my job.....and for a split second, it was a summer evening in Mason, OH....and I was hitting with my brother...the world of baseball promise ahead of us, limitless, vast, and beautiful...

I'm losing weight again....with the hope of playing in this very competitive men's league next year....and I have the hopes that I'll be down 50-70 lbs, and I'll have a brand new wrist!

Good things coming...

Software for the deck...

Had to fix the deck....

Because of the hours of battle my german shepherds do on the deck, a few boards have come loose.

No big, right...just grab the drill and some screws and have at it.

WRONG.

Either my deck base is made of metal, petrified redwood, or these chinese made screws really suck. Explain to me how this is supposed to happen....

I'm glad these screws are holding up my garage shelves and my big screen.....I'm kinda glad my house was built in '89...fuck forbid...new houses are getting built with these!

Good Beer...

In the spirit of the 4th, I am entertained by posts on myspace and twitter that read, "Kicking back with my [Insert Corona, Landshark, Heineken, etc]...went big...this is the best beer!"

What in the fuck, people? People hate beer snobs....well, there's a reason...people hate the enlightened.

The fact that people love those shitty beers is amazing...the fact that they share a pricepoint as brands like Spaten, Great Lakes, Leinenkugel, Oberon, Magic Hat, etc is incredible!

At Melting Pot yesterday, I overheard this conversation a few tables over.

Old hick:"Derp deh day derp....don't yuns just have a budweiser?"
Waiter:"Sorry...we only serve high end beer here."
Old hick:"Welp, watar for me."

Like wtf....expand your horizons a bit! This is your first trip to a nonApplebee's in 7 years....why not try something new. Guess what! Budweiser is terrible! It's Nascar deer piss!

Beer is a beautiful craft and sure, every now and then I'll hit some piss High Life....but fuck, for celebrating, don't drink piss and call it gravy....and I don't want to read it on my social networking sites...

Some of my picks (they change all the time)

Beer of disability-Beast Ice
Beer of cheap-Miller High Life Lite
Beer of frugal-Molson Canadian
Beer of Summer-Leinenkugel Summer Shandy-I don't care if it has lemonade in it!
Beer of Winter-Spaten Optimator
Beers of yum-Great Lakes Eliot Ness and Burning River

To the death!

Hooray for our one year anniversary....and no one has died yet! For those who don't know us, Statty and I bicker and fight all the time, yet it is still a healthy, loving relationship. I have learned through watching the failure, drug and alcohol rage passive aggressive rage fest that was my parents' marriage to get things off your chest....immediately.

We have our hot button issues that will inevitably start fights....so, I am just learning to lay off of them....however, Statty has not learned. She will conveniently show me a picture from 5 yrs ago (when I was suave and hot) when I serve myself seconds or by a 12 pack...."Oh, Une...please make this (patting my tummy) go away! I want a skinny, hot Une again." Well, to an outsider, this could potentially sound terrible...but I applaud her honesty...I wouldn't like it if she put on weight! Well, between the yardwork, P90x, and gymn membership, I'm hoping to get back to my playing weight....this will do wonders for my live act!

So happy one year!

Typical Uncouth Hillbilly Behavior....

I bought a house in Worthington....this is a nice area....pretty snooty, too...not quite like Dublin or Upper Arlington...but it's up there. However, I did manage to get the last home built in my subdivision and it abuts directly up against these two family home rentals.

These places probably rent for 500/month....and yes, they bring with them a different kind of person....

Everyone kinda hates me bc I have two pretty girls living with me....my wife and our roomie...however, I think everyone just assumes we're polygamists....so they hate me even more. No one has been interested in meeting us...well, until about 2 weeks ago, the fat as fuck 50 something guy across the street named Joe decided to waddle over while I was edging. He introduced himself in his central OH Walmartian dialect and explained that he'd seal my driveway for $150. It's like...I've lived here 2.5 months and this fuckstick comes to say hi just bc he wants a job bc he's laid off....

Typical...

Well, Thursday, he and his fat wife and their tribe of inbred children decided to sit out on their porch all day and get shitty on some Bud heavy....by 7pm, there was like mass child endangerment going on as their grandchildren were terrified as their entire front yard was littered with shouting, wasted, hicks....from what I could get out of it..."Derp der derp derp Walmart, you pay fer da Fhuckin berrrrr!!!!!!"

These fucks were having a culdesac block brawl, getting physical, etc bc they could not agree to terms over how to split the cases of Bud heavy......wow....

Get off your ass, America...and find a job...even if it isn't a great job...it's better than being a shitstain....

The new cat toys look like poops....

From a distance...across the house...the new cat toys look like poops on my rug and I instantly get enraged when I see them....then, I remember that in poor lighting, the new cat toys resemble poop...

Add?

So I'm spamming people with my band's facebook account and one old guy responds to a message with "add?"....like, wtf....if you don't want to be spammed, hit ignore friend request....


Old people just take facebook way to fuckin seriously....

Jew Garbage

Here's a good one...ever notice that local gov't workers treat us like shit....cops, teachers, garbagemen, mailmen.....all of 'em....they treat us like dog shit.

My roomie inadvertently parked her car too close to our mailbox a few months ago and the mailman wanted to like mudwrestle/cage fight her to the death or some shit.

In Cbus, we live under a similar totalitarian regime involving the garbagemen. Ok, so you get one trashcan per household....and whatever doesn't fit, well you're shit out of luck. You can arrange for bulk pickup...but who the fuck has the time to arrange such a ridiculous thing.....we did it when we last moved...fuck, the whole process took like 3 days to arrange.

In a household with three adults, 5 kitties, and 2 german shepherds, it's hard to keep things to one trash can....we try, but kitties don't stop shitting and I don't stop cooking. Also, we have to keep buying things we have never had before (like a dehumdifier, power tools, etc). These things come in bulky packaging that needs thrown away.

Our trash day changes (does anyone else deal with this?). Let me repeat myself....the fuckin trash day changes all the time. As a child, trash day was consistent...it was one of my chores to take trash out and take the empty cans back in every single mutha fuckin Monday. It was like clockwork...who cares about holidays? The fuckin trashmen are getting paid $20 an hr....well, here in Cbus, the trash date changes all the time...you have to go to a website to keep track! It's so fuckin annoying! I mean, fuck...mragh mragh mragh mragh!

http://refuse.ci.columbus.oh.us/monthly_color_calendar.htm

So bc I forgot, last week, I did not take the trash out....fuck....I have a mountain of trash, which brings us to the concept of "Jew trash." My wife is Jewish, so it's ok...she coined this phrase. Basically, when I have extra trash (and this time, I have a shit ton) I have to sneak around and dump extra trash into my neighbors' less full bins. I'm lucky. This week, the hillbillies down the street have been evicted, so they have arranged for a bulk pickup....tonite around midnite, I'll be placing my extra trash amongst their diminuitive landfill in their front lawn.

My former landlord rant....

God, this guys sucked ass...had no brains....was ignorant as fuck....place was such a dump...after a weekend of fixing my deck and doing yard work, I reflect upon the joy of home ownership vs. living as a peasant.....

I don't know where to begin with this guy, but he's about as poor a landlord as one can be. He allowed our septic tank to overflow into our yard, toilets, and basement for 6 months and then had the balls to tell us when we moved out that the house still had "pet odor" and we would need to pay to have the house cleaned....even though the house still has raw sewage muck caking the basement wall and floors.

If that story isn't enough to not make you vomit/not rent from this clown, I have a million others....here are just a couple from our 1 yr spent living as his serf... Slumlords like him belong on campus or Mogadishu for that matter, not on the northside. He never fixed any problems in a timely fashion and when it was finally "fixed" it was a half assed job. He poured gravel over the basement window wells bc the windows were all broken, He refused to fix a broken toilet or replace a toilet that was ruined by sewage backup....the solution was to just hold the flush lever. Bc he's so goddamned broke, he lives next door to this dump in a loft above his garage and annexed part of the yard for himself. He lets his 3 beagles out to bark at 2am just about every nite. He never fixed 3 broken windows in the house, btw it isnt 1912...single pane windows are out. . He will text/email you at 6 am the first of the month to harass and collect rent. Above all, you have to show the place on short notice while you are still living there/moving out. He lets you paint any color, then tells you you have to paint it back and makes an addendum to the lease the day after you do it...remember, this is just a yr of living at this dump....

Unprofessional, uncouth, and just plain ignorant...not a bad guy, I think he has no malicious intent, I think he's completely oblivious to how people need to behave in a society.

If my Pop had facebook...

I like how FB reminds me that my anniversary is Sunday....my Pop forgot his anniversary so many times, it isn't funny...if he had FB, maybe he'd still be married...hmmmm

I chose the 4th of July so I could never forget....well, as long as I have FB, I guess my reasoning was dumb....

Rhapsody, the puppy

Rhapsody is pretty annoying if you've met her....she's mostly German Shepherd with some Akita sploched in. Well, Rhapsody and Quorra have been relegated to full time outdoor dogs. Quorra behaves, however, Rhapsody just shits too much to ever be inside.

Rhapsody isn't sick and she has a normal digestive system....she just..well, she just eats everything....rabbits, birds, trees, tree bark, leaves, grass, grass seed, pieces of the deck, etc......so when eating everything all the time, you get sick all the time. Rhapsody shits violent projectile liquid all of the time.

I have awoken to her shitting in my house twice. One time, I witnessed the shitting in real time....she was walking on my new carpet and started freaking out, sniffing her butt and whining as this mudd niagara spew splattered onto my floor. I couldn't be mad at her...her face was like...wtf, I have no control over this involuntary sludge bowel.

She is starting to learn to listen a bit better....however, she loves to drag her ass across my deck....and it leaves a brown chalk mark......I have seen her take breaks from eating to slide her ass...then she returns to eating....it's really annoying, but I get the point...I need to restain and treat my deck....

I mean, don't get me wrong...puppies and kittens are cute...but fuck, they do annoying, destructive shit! When Foofen was 4 wks-6months, she would shit in the house....but she wanted to hide it from us, so she would crawl undeneath our 300 lb hutch and shit there. The crevice that she would slide through was so narrow, that the only way to clean the dumps was if the entire hutch was moved, which sucked major balls.

Behold Such Wonderful Mystic Wonders!

The Quest for Mt. Wendy's was an undertaking I performed while in my downtime and only at the convenience that I happened to be in the are. I failed in my pursuits...but I knew that one day, I would gaze upon its glory again.

While fielding a call today, I needed to pull over as my company has a no tolerance cell phone driving policy. I could not believe my eyes as I exited the highway that sloped into a valley with a four way stop. To my left, a massive Wendy's sign at the summit of a great mount...and in the valley below, the very McDonald's where we had been banished! I could not contain myself.

Immediately, I needed to document to footage...it was like retracing the stations of the cross on a pilgrimage to Calvary hill.

I stepped out of my vehicle...I took myself back to that fateful day...I could envision the great monster furiously pumping his arms as his heart was pumping his viscous blood through plaque encrusted veins...I could see him salivate...I could see his rage...."Coaches eat at Wendy's! ROOARR-MRAGHHHH!!!" Like a great beast, he threw his head back in victory. Even the most minute petty control he could have over young men brought him tickles to his testicles.

I will find a local artist of my liking and I will commission a work along the same realm as Emanuel Leutze's 1851 American Classic oil-on-canvas, "Washington Crossing the Delaware" In the foreground, shall be us peasants...exiting the bus, stricken and starved, at the center will be the goon, in pompous undeserved grandeur. He will be 1/4 way up his climb, panting like a coy-ote...baying like a llama. And there in the background, will be the glory that is Mt. Wendy's...I must find the artist! Please send me suggestions.

Back...

I'm back...I have to do it...it's therapeutic b/c I took a trip to Portsmouth, OH.

Douchebags and My Mail

Today I encountered a dilemma I've never expected to encounter. It has infuriated me to such an extent that I am seriously on the verge of committing a serious crime.

A few weeks ago I ordered a handmade dress to wear for rehearsal dinner for the wedding. It was cheaper than almost anything that can be bought, it had the cutest fabric, and was going to actually fit my body. I was so excited about this dress. It got shipped last week. Somehow, the seamstress of said item only had my old address, and shipped it to such through the post office. I had all my mail forwarded by the post office about 3 months ago. Today, I couldn't stand it any longer and contacted the seamstress to find out where my dress was. She said she had delivery confirmation from May 30. Then informed me it was at the old address. I took a quick drive over there and knocked on the door. No answer. I rang the doorbell. No answer. I could clearly see the guy's car and could hear him moving around, but he was not answering the door. Pissed. I call the landlord and let them know the situation.
As I'm pulling out of the parking lot, I see him come outside, only wearing his underwear. I said the boy to talk to him and he claims he's never seen any packages for us. He goes in. I make the boy knock on the neighbor's door to see if this is true. Neighbor informs us he has seen a few packages for us and assumed they got passed on to us. This is the first we've heard of it. He knocks on the guy's door and he then tells us that "oh yeah, I got a package and it only had a crapload of coupons in it." So not only did you keep a box of ours and not tell anyone, but you OPENED IT?!?!?! WTF?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
At this point, livid is an understatement. We hightail it home and I call the police, who direct me to the prosecutor's office. Complaint filed. I called the post office and I'm meeting with them tomorrow, as the package should have been forwarded. Besides the point in the scheme of things.

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO OPEN AND KEEP SOMEONE ELSE'S PACKAGES AND/OR MAIL???? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY PISSED OFF SOMEONE WHO CAN NOW MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL AND I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, BECAUSE THE WORST IS YET TO COME.

No...no towels please...just get out of here...

I suppose this is an old running joke...cleaning ladies who barge in on you.

Well, it happened to me today. Got back to the hotel from a corporate outing around 3. Took off the clothes to the underwear and tshirt and got on the phone to the wifey. When I talk on the phone, I pace. I also had an itch. I'm in my own suite. I entered the hanes boxer briefs with my left hand and began vigorously relieving the itch on my dick. Of course, Somali cleaning lady is in my doorway talking to me.

"Housekeeping?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Soap, conditioner?"
"No." (Still scratching away, in my undies.)
"Towels????"

This woman clearly isn't leaving. 10 seconds have gone by now. Still in my undies and a tshirt, scratching at that fuckin itch.

Rarely am I rude to people. Very, very rarely. Also, I have an anger problem and yell and scream a lot, but when I'm boiling point angry, I speak very softly.

"Lady, no towels please...just...just get out of here. I'm busy."

I understand there is a cultural void here, but my culture of taking out an itch in my undies in my suite is being violated here and that's not right.

Carpooling to/in Ctown...

On business in Cleveland. Things would be much better if I didn't have to drive, but my coworker in the territory next to mine has a van, which is ideal for carpooling. The company is always looking to save money, so by driving up to Ctown together, plus for social events, the van comes in handy to scoot everyone around.

If we can get there in one piece.

Unfortunately, my coworker, who I love to death and is one of the most god fearing men alive, happens to be one of those horrible central Ohio drivers. We have been beeped at at least 10-15 times on the way up and out and about Ctown. It is frightening. Merging into other cars, cutting people off, going 35 in the left lane on the highway...we are doing it all...and I'm riding shotgun giving directions via my TomTom, since he doesn't know how to use it.

I hope to be home tomorrow in one piece.

Wahhhh...I miss you...Daddy, send more money

If only life was this hard....go to college overseas...be in love...not have enough time with your significant other, only b/c you have the luxury of traveling EVERYWHERE for free.

Charity 5k...on a scooter....

I'm all about coming out for a community event. A charity 5k is honorable, except when it's ruined by people. You have the local runner's club...the crush everyone. But this past weekend, I saw a first. Behemoth bitch running (what do you call it???) the 5k...on a scooter. Unbelievable. She had a runner's number and everything. She was getting in everyone's way. She was even getting tired from operating the scooter and had to take a 30 second break. Awesome.

Brutal Commercial Time...Again....

Ok, can't help this one. Awful song, awful acting, awful dancing (wow, let's set white folk back several million years and play on that stereo type...oh, but that's ok), awful product (heineken=rolling rock...might as well be Wester PA deer piss) awful casting...it's very quick (aka, much easier to see on a 46 inch HDTV). Notice the singing driver at 0:20. He clearly makes the commercial. Great, raspy, Louis Armstrong voice. However, this guy was not capable of driving the car. At 0:24, there is a much younger, thinner driver. So awfully noticeable, I thought I'd mragh.