The Patron Saints of Doomed Pets

So, we are the Patron Saints of Doomed Pets.

Since my fiancee and I have been together, a little over 3 years now, we have gathered quite the menagerie of pets. However, not everyone made it through.

Yes, there are meth addicted, drunken, coke fiends who habitually beat their pets everyday, poison them, neglect them, don't feed them, brand swastikas in them, etc. But these animals, for what ever reason, continue to live pretty healthily. Yet, my fiancee and I...all we do is go above and beyond to spoil our pets...we treat them better than ourselves. Yet, they always meet unfortunate ends.

Our first pet was Guaraldi, a kitten. He was a sonofabitch. Very cute greay tabby. We got him when he was very young. I had hideous food poisoning at the time and the fucker was climbing all over me. Well, sure enough, I had decided to take a summer job out of town. The day I left, my fiancee had to put Guaraldi down. He suffered from felind leukemia and was going to live a short, painful, slow death. On top of it, my phone was off b/c I had to save my battery for an emergency. G lasted 4 days with us.

The next failure of a pet was Ipod. He was a very friendly all white kitty who made his way into our frat house through an open window. We took care of him the best we could, but he was sick with FIV (kitty AIDS)and we had to put him down, too. He was thankful the whole time, I mean, he knew before us that he was terminally ill. Ipod lasted 3 days with us.

Our next disastrous pet event was Moon. Moon was our favorite kitty. She was sickeningly sweet and loved us to death. She was a stray who we brought in from the cold and she thanked us everyday for 6 months. Well, she went MIA in September. I had hosted an all nite drinking fest at my house with some old buddies and one of them decided that in a townehouse with 4 cats, it was a good idea to leave the door wide ass open. Moon probably caught wind of a scent outside and she was off. My other friend tried to help, but in his drunken stupor he just went chasing after her in the nite and probably scared her shitless and off into oblivion. I mean, she probably woulda listened to me but, what can you do, right?

Well, the latest tragedy happened yesterday. Panzer, the Flemish Giant Rabbit passed away from blod clots/congenital heart failure. Yes, the bunny I had just purchased for my fiancee's early bday gift. We had him a little over a week. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching DVRs of Cheaters (I enjoy falling asleep to the tortured moans and crying) so I was right by his cage. At 6am, he started baying wildly! Yes, a rabbit...baying. I petted him and he seemed to calm down, but was still acting strange. My fiancee came down to check out the noise. By the time I had returned to the room after taking the morning piss, he had taken his death crap and was laying limp in my fiancee's arms, dead. Even though she is employed by a vet, she was horribly traumatized and didn't really know what to do. I tried to give him CPR but he was gone.

Of course, then we have BeBe. Bebe suffered from a severe viral infection when she was a kitten. She was given a 2% survival rate. She was having seizures bc her fever was so high. We were going to put her down, but we had to move that weekend and we figured there would be no time, as we had already rented the truck. Well, sure enough, my brother came up to help with the move and brought some holy water from Lourdes, France that I had requested of him. Wasted, I doused the seizing Bebe in the stuff. We didn't expect Bebe to make it through the nite. By the next morning, Bebe was not only conscious and alive...she was making quite a commotion as she dragged a half eaten JBC from Wendy's across our frontroom floor! However, like Pet Semetary, "Sometimes, dead is better." Well, Bebe no suffers from severe mental retardation and other mental issues. She still loves us, though.

In conclusion, I think since we treat our animals so well, God decides to place the doomed animals in our paths. We are almost like a hospice spa. They get fantastic treatment for their short time and then they pass. God likes fucking with people and I think he's a cool guy...he has a great sense of humor!

As soon as we move into our house in two weeks, we are going to foster a german shepherd. I have no choice but to succumb to the pressure to get a dog! I mean, her fuckin bday gift died!

Have a Nice Day...Signed, the Weather

Regardless on where you stand on the issue of climate change, there certainly is something going on. There's no such thing as four seasons anymore. Fuck. Spring and Fall has vanished completely or rarely lasts for more than 2 weeks. Look at the weather we are having here in central OH: started the week with wind chills in the single digits and ended the week with temperatures in the 50s. I don't always get to a weather report as the local weather hacks simply are not worth watching. Plus, I tend to leave in a rush to get a start on my day asap...no time for that shit.

There's nothing worse than starting your day sprinting out your front door with a wool trenchcoat when it's 6 am and already 40 degrees. Likewise, it's an even bigger bitch when you go running out with short sleeves on and it's 10 degrees. Without the weather report, we tend to base our clothes off of the last days. Can't do that in Ohio.

World Cockblocking Masters

Dude, my freshman year of college was a brutal time for chasing tail.

We rolled in a deep crew, a tight knit baseball bunch. But, it had it's drawbacks. Three of the guys were all world cockblockers.

So we had Jon who was a dumpster diver...he'd fuck anything: giraffe, elliptical, couch cushion, mastadon fossils, hideous bitches...yep, you know that guy. But hey, we all need a slump buster...and if you were stuck in a rut and needed to nut, well, you could count on Jon to steal your midnite special trophy/morning nightmare away from you!

JJ Smooth was fuckin questionable outright. Nice kid, but odd. Looked like a backstreet boy...muscles, tan, hair, cute bicep tattoo...yeah, he was alright with the lasses, too. He had a patented maneuver...he ,would hide in the shadows at a party stalking his next cockblock. He would look for his friends, too...dancing with girls. Once eye contact was established, it was over. He would get all happy, then do like this backstreet boy type dance where he'd come over, then do like simulated running fist pumps in slow mo while he approached. He'd then be all happy and say what's up, then immediately, he'd hook the girl with his arm and box you out. He had a mean hook, like a vaudeville act. That dame could be dancing on the stage ready to exit to your bedroom...and woooop...the hook pulled her away! And you were fucked...you spent all that time making the broad's panties all lathered up and then out of the nite, a gorgeous metrosexual appears to make a move on her.

Then, there was Winston. Winston was the worst, b/c this dude was bald as fuck. At 23, he had 4 hairs in the front. He had some queero "volumizing product" that he would use. He'd spend 10 minutes in the bathroom before we'd bounce, perfectly lining up those 4 hairs. His special move to pry women away from you was the, "Heyyyyy...I know yoooouuu...we had ________ class together. No, we didn't...thaaaaat's so weird, I thought we did." You could be tonguing a girl and Winston would apply his special move.

Cockblockers suck a dick...I don't even want to think how many opportunities I lost out on b/c of these characters...it was great, though.

Fuckshots behind the steering wheel

I guess it's high time to do my first post here on Mragh. In keeping with the theme of chastising the ignorant, I'm going to talk about some people I have a problem with out on America's roads.

I suppose the real problem here is due to the world we live in today. Everything in life is a wait. You're really just waiting to die. From those waits, you get impatience on the part of human beings. They see it as costing them some tangible thing, be it money or time or both.

When I pull out of my neighborhood and go right, I see the car 100 yards down the road in the same right hand lane. But it's 45 mph, and by me turning right I should be fine, not worrying about that car I saw from off in the distance. Sure enough; because I 'turned in front of them' they're going to speed up and jackhammer their vehicle up my ass for as long as they're behind me. I see you, Johnny Twatten. What are you gonna do? Run your beamer into the ass end of my pickup. I assure you that my tail is made of titanium and the only thing getting hurt will be your asshole car. If I tap my breaks it could cause big problems for you asshole. So slow the fuck down, relax, and continue your run to the store for your wife.

Also, I'm driving northbound on I-71. The duration of the time that I'm in the left hand lane I'm doing about 75-80. Any faster then that and you're risking a couple things. First off, it tears the fuck out of a vehicle. My father is of mechanic mind, and like he always said to me; you run a fucking machine harder for months and years, you're not going to get it to last as long. Doesn't matter what it is. Several of my friends who like to go 90 in a 35 say I drive like a grampa. I'd like to tell them that they drive like a dip shit, but friends don't do that. Second off, there's pigs a plentiful on the way to Cleveland every 10 minutes that have nothing better to do then give tickets. Third, when you drive too fast you get into accidents. Once again; people need to remind themselves to settle the fuck down. Its good for the systolic and diastolic.

So for the duration of my two hour drive to and fro, I've got guys speeding up and riding my ass. I don't wanna get into the right hand lane. I see you there. I don't feel like riding behind semi's. The speed limit is 65, so I'd say 80 is plenty reasonable. If you want to pass, pass on the right hand side like the asshole you are and look like the asshole you are. You aren't going to force me to break the law. I'm going to force your hand. Give me that stare when you drive by like I've done something wrong. That is what I'm gearing for. If I had something to throw at you; I'd roll down my window and do it. Due to the past I know that the wind velocity while driving will keep it from hitting your car but it makes me feel better.

There's so many cocksuckers on the road. Are you one of them? If you are, like I said; just settle the fuck down. There's a reason Bruce Springsteen calls vehicles suicide machines. We must look awful silly to father earth at times as he looks down on us and sees the death devices that man created for themselves to go out and travel the world in. Take your foot off the peddle and just take your time. Everything will be ok. I'm not asking anything monumental like, not texting or doing blackberry while driving. Of course you can still chat on the phone. But don't gun your 4 cylinder up my ass like you mean it.

If you do, you're one of the ignorant.

Verdi

Holy shit, I love this restaurant. If you are unfortunate enough to live in the greater Columbus, OH area, please…please check out this joint. Tired of eating at Applebee’s every week? If you love genuine, authentic, New York style Italian food, this is the place for you. Arturo, the chef knows his food. He gets the freshest ingredients he can find and sells all his dishes for a reasonable price. Do you love alfredo? This guy uses butter and cream out the ass so get your workout in before coming here. His crab cakes are about 95% crab, 5% cake. His pizza is goey good. His tiramisu kicks ass. His pasta is homemade…just like everything else. Fresh seafood in the midwest...you bet! Generous portions, great prices…just go try it already!

http://www.verdi315.com/

I’ve mentioned the food is fantastic. For roughly 10 bucks a plate, you can’t beat this anywhere, however, there are some things about Verdi you should know ahead of time…a disclaimer if you will. Arturo knows food, however, he does not (yet) know fine dining.

Verdi is rough around the edges. Upon walking into the very humble, small establishment, you will notice two identical paintings side by side on the right wall. Incredibly bizarre, I know. The same hideous acoustic CDs of cover tunes is playing in the background. Stay for more than a half an hour, you are bound to hear “Fernando.” The service is…meh. They’re getting better. There is such a focus on food, it’s easy for them to forget to refill your water or bring you your silverware. Know this ahead of time and be forgiving…it is worth it! I am one of the most impatient people in the world and I detest incompetence in all forms…yet despite the lack of service and charm, I go to this restaurant every week.

Go give this man some business…know ahead of time that the service will be mediocre…be patient and savor the best Italian food in Central Ohio.

Fat man’s gotta have list (In order of Faves

Apps: Crab Cakes, Fried Ravioli
Entrees: Shrimp Alfredo, Chicken Alfredo, Baked Zitti, Chicken Parm, Lobster Ravioli, Eggplant Parm, Seafood Marcecata,.
Pizza: White, Four Cheese, All Meat
Dessert: Tiramisu, Cheesecake, Canoli

Picking out a Wedding Tux...

So, the main purpose of my “vacation” last weekend was to sure up wedding plans. The final roster of groomsmen was submitted officially. Dealings concerning the meals and very open bar were also addressed. And of course, the tuxedo was decided upon (although, it nearly ended in bloodshed).

So, my dearest fiancée has been doing her best not to become bridezilla, but alas, tis in her nature to become…shall we say, “aggressive.” She had this grand vision of “linen” type tuxedos for the wedding, which I agree, sounded pretty good.

However, such things are hard to come by and you certainly don’t want to get me in a pure linen outfit. I would destroy it and it wrinkles so easily, I’d look like a dirty sheet at the bottom of the hamper. So, we decided on the “linen look.”

Well, she had me try on a multitude of tuxes and suits. We made some enemies at a few of the stores, especially at a Men’s Wearhouse where when the African-American salesman asked us which colors we were interested in, my dearest said, “we’re anti-black……..and, uh…anti-navy.” I just hope this guy wasn’t a navy discharge, too.

She was convinced that she wanted me in this hideous brownish color. I gazed upon it and using my useless history major, immediately flashed to images of pre-WWII Nazi SA uniforms. Yes, it was that bad. Then her mother suggested a “postman” outfit…and yet, another outfit which looked like I should be marching for General Lee in a Civil War reenactment.

As hideous as these outfits were and as great a battle that I waged with my fiancée, we came to a conclusion. Ivory Tux, white undershirt, purple vest and tie. Don’t worry groomsmen, you guys are getting green vests and ties. Some may think the outfit hideous, however, it is festive and I love purple…it is the color of royalty. If you weren’t a buck-toothed drunk slob, you would know that.

A Word About Bad Parking...

Well, unfortunately I did not have a camera on me this weekend, but I did come across a horrendous park job at a mall…even more entertaining, I witnessed it! This old sonofabitch in a Buick parks both right tires over the line right all on top of this Honda…so close, that there would be no way in hell that the person in the Honda could enter from the driver’s side door. No way in hell. I wish I coulda waited around to see the person return to their car!! Well, this oldtimer gets out, walks in front of his car…and then, his face notices his park job…but, he kinda shrugs and must have muttered to himself, “Fuck it, I was an Army cook in Korea” and continued on his way.

What’s great is that there is a hilarious blog solely about bad parking! Very funny stuff, here. I mean, we witness bad parking everywhere, everyday…especially if you live in central Ohio.

http://badparking.wordpress.com/

For the most part, this site itself is great! You can easily profile who was driving each vehicle when the horrendous park job was achieved. Buick in the handi-spot=oldtimer who fought in Korea. Ford F-350 taking up 3 spots=young asshole redneck. Benz over the line=bitch of a trophy wife….etc. That’s what’s always fun to me when I see a bad park job…trying to use my psychic abilities to envision the douche who did the deed. I mean, I’m not sure about the percentages, but some people are bad drivers, others are ignorant assholes, and others are arrogant assholes.

Then there’s the on purpose “bad parking job.”

As awesome as this site is, I must be extremely critical of a few of the entries. Some of them are stretches…in fact this one type of bad parking is actually acceptable!

Ok, so this person in the Honda pictured is not an ignorant bad parker, in fact he/she is ahead of the curve and thinks along my mind. The ideal parking spot has always been an end space, particularly if you love your car (aka, you’ve paid for it and it’s your baby). Those who have not had the experience of owning and loving your car will not understand. Many people simply don’t give a shit about their car, but there is a small number amongst us who adores our cars and will do whatever we can to protect them from nicks and dents from lazy assholes who fling their doors open with complete disregard. If you love your car, you actively seek the end space so that you can park all the way over so that there’s no doubt that no matter what idiot you can imagine parks next to you in the single adjacent space, there is no chance of dinging your baby. None.

There’s nothing wrong with this. Who am I hurting by parking way over? No one. I’m not in anyone’s way. I’m just way the fuck over. I do it in my parking lot.

Now, the majority of the imbeciles featured in this blog…yes, they are all ignorant assholes in some form…but Honda driver…you are smart and are officially pardoned by Mragh!