Man vs. People of Walmart Neighbors...

I own a nice house in a nice subdivision in a nice suburb of Columbus. My house is pretty much perfect for my family, except for one glaring thing....

We knew it going in....my house is located on the very edge of the subdivision in a culdesac. I'm at the edge of the culdesac...the rest of the buildings are worn duplexes, which means renters, which means Walmart/Nascar/Bush Lite crowd.....fuck, even one guys is a sex offender....these people, for the most part, are ignorant pricks....and I hate them...they make so much goddamned noise...blasting country and arguing into the street with cigarette choked raspy voices, (at 2 am sometimes)....drinking Great Value Walmart beer all day collecting their welfare checks, mragh mragh mragh!!!

I use two cinder blocks to keep my dogs barricaded inside their fence bc fuck for bid they get out....they will eviscerate every single one of these "my parents are cousins" fuckstains....

Well, the duplex next door had their driveway sealed. Not an issue, right....

Wrong...I get home and one of my blocks is missing...apparently the lazy dipshit contractor went into my yard and took one of my cinder blocks from the fence to anchor some caution tape!

I wouldn't care, but I need that cinder block to keep the dogs in....

I wanted to go over there and just cut the line and reclaim my block, but I'm much classier than that. I could knock on their doors to let them know what I'm doing...but fuck them, they didn't pay for the seal job...they're renters! Plus, I don't wanna interact with these white trash fucks...I hate them...

I reclaimed my block triumphantly and I was even nice enough to replace it with one of my spare waste baskets to keep the caution tape intact.

As I was returning to my house, one of the neighbor's friends pulls up....and it's on....

This guys is 50ish, 5'10", a fat as fuck 260ish, drunk as fuck, with a Packers hat on (I lived in Milwaukee...he didn't have a Wisco accent).....

"Derp, da derp....did you take dat brick?! Dayhhhhh dayhhh!!"

"Sir, that's my block. I use it to keep my dogs barricaded."

"Well, did you ask, boy?" [Typical crusty old fuck trying to intimidate a younger lad...I love this kinda shit....just bc you're older, you're gonna like whoop my ass with a belt like I'm 12.]

"Sir....that's my block. I don't NEED to ask anyone." [Did anyone ask permission to take it, you fuck mime?]

"Ah, da derper derp...that's bullshit...I seen dat contractor m'self bring dat same block in on his truck!"

"No he didn't...mind your own business...." [Now, I'm getting pissed...I stop walking and I face to confront this prick who is 30 ft away, heading to my next door neighbor's house.]

"Well why don't you worry about go and get more dogs....[all I could understand of the rambling, incoherent, drunken, inaudible townie fuckspeak as he's running inside with his fat son....]

BTW, I love people who talk shit, retreating, and with their kids with them....like, most serial killers won't kill a person in front of their kid...me, a normal person (loosely) is going to stomp out a kid's father in front of the kid...

My wife and I left for a quick Costco run....upon my return, the cinderblock is still in place....of course the cowardly pussies aren't gonna take the block back....

Pick up stix....

Picked up a bat(baseball) for the first time in 2 years....mind you I just had wrist surgery and am finally cleared to do things....I'm at about 80%...and it's feeling better than it ever did in college....

But even though it was only 4 years ago, it seems like a lifetime since my last game....my junior year...I cried bc I knew it was my last game...I had lost any desire to play the game anymore...my vices had gotten the best of me....my eyesight worse than my grandparents, my anxiety and depression nearly consumed me, my wrist injuries left me unable to check my swing...the sanctuary that baseball was when I was growing up in a horrible home no longer existed bc of my environment and a rotten coach...

There's a lot of what ifs, but I'm just a shell of the prospect I once was....I still have that swing....and I thank my friend Clint for convincing me to go hit with him yesterday....

For the first time in almost a decade, hitting in the cage was just that....my escape...from school, my head, my awful drunken mother, my job.....and for a split second, it was a summer evening in Mason, OH....and I was hitting with my brother...the world of baseball promise ahead of us, limitless, vast, and beautiful...

I'm losing weight again....with the hope of playing in this very competitive men's league next year....and I have the hopes that I'll be down 50-70 lbs, and I'll have a brand new wrist!

Good things coming...

Software for the deck...

Had to fix the deck....

Because of the hours of battle my german shepherds do on the deck, a few boards have come loose.

No big, right...just grab the drill and some screws and have at it.

WRONG.

Either my deck base is made of metal, petrified redwood, or these chinese made screws really suck. Explain to me how this is supposed to happen....

I'm glad these screws are holding up my garage shelves and my big screen.....I'm kinda glad my house was built in '89...fuck forbid...new houses are getting built with these!

Good Beer...

In the spirit of the 4th, I am entertained by posts on myspace and twitter that read, "Kicking back with my [Insert Corona, Landshark, Heineken, etc]...went big...this is the best beer!"

What in the fuck, people? People hate beer snobs....well, there's a reason...people hate the enlightened.

The fact that people love those shitty beers is amazing...the fact that they share a pricepoint as brands like Spaten, Great Lakes, Leinenkugel, Oberon, Magic Hat, etc is incredible!

At Melting Pot yesterday, I overheard this conversation a few tables over.

Old hick:"Derp deh day derp....don't yuns just have a budweiser?"
Waiter:"Sorry...we only serve high end beer here."
Old hick:"Welp, watar for me."

Like wtf....expand your horizons a bit! This is your first trip to a nonApplebee's in 7 years....why not try something new. Guess what! Budweiser is terrible! It's Nascar deer piss!

Beer is a beautiful craft and sure, every now and then I'll hit some piss High Life....but fuck, for celebrating, don't drink piss and call it gravy....and I don't want to read it on my social networking sites...

Some of my picks (they change all the time)

Beer of disability-Beast Ice
Beer of cheap-Miller High Life Lite
Beer of frugal-Molson Canadian
Beer of Summer-Leinenkugel Summer Shandy-I don't care if it has lemonade in it!
Beer of Winter-Spaten Optimator
Beers of yum-Great Lakes Eliot Ness and Burning River

To the death!

Hooray for our one year anniversary....and no one has died yet! For those who don't know us, Statty and I bicker and fight all the time, yet it is still a healthy, loving relationship. I have learned through watching the failure, drug and alcohol rage passive aggressive rage fest that was my parents' marriage to get things off your chest....immediately.

We have our hot button issues that will inevitably start fights....so, I am just learning to lay off of them....however, Statty has not learned. She will conveniently show me a picture from 5 yrs ago (when I was suave and hot) when I serve myself seconds or by a 12 pack...."Oh, Une...please make this (patting my tummy) go away! I want a skinny, hot Une again." Well, to an outsider, this could potentially sound terrible...but I applaud her honesty...I wouldn't like it if she put on weight! Well, between the yardwork, P90x, and gymn membership, I'm hoping to get back to my playing weight....this will do wonders for my live act!

So happy one year!

Typical Uncouth Hillbilly Behavior....

I bought a house in Worthington....this is a nice area....pretty snooty, too...not quite like Dublin or Upper Arlington...but it's up there. However, I did manage to get the last home built in my subdivision and it abuts directly up against these two family home rentals.

These places probably rent for 500/month....and yes, they bring with them a different kind of person....

Everyone kinda hates me bc I have two pretty girls living with me....my wife and our roomie...however, I think everyone just assumes we're polygamists....so they hate me even more. No one has been interested in meeting us...well, until about 2 weeks ago, the fat as fuck 50 something guy across the street named Joe decided to waddle over while I was edging. He introduced himself in his central OH Walmartian dialect and explained that he'd seal my driveway for $150. It's like...I've lived here 2.5 months and this fuckstick comes to say hi just bc he wants a job bc he's laid off....

Typical...

Well, Thursday, he and his fat wife and their tribe of inbred children decided to sit out on their porch all day and get shitty on some Bud heavy....by 7pm, there was like mass child endangerment going on as their grandchildren were terrified as their entire front yard was littered with shouting, wasted, hicks....from what I could get out of it..."Derp der derp derp Walmart, you pay fer da Fhuckin berrrrr!!!!!!"

These fucks were having a culdesac block brawl, getting physical, etc bc they could not agree to terms over how to split the cases of Bud heavy......wow....

Get off your ass, America...and find a job...even if it isn't a great job...it's better than being a shitstain....

The new cat toys look like poops....

From a distance...across the house...the new cat toys look like poops on my rug and I instantly get enraged when I see them....then, I remember that in poor lighting, the new cat toys resemble poop...