Public Restroom Etiquette

Ok, the basics. Don't say, "Nice Shoes, bro!" to the guy sitting in the stall next to you.

Don't lean on the stall door while it's in use.

No talking of any kind. None. The restroom is holy. The work being done cannot have distraction.

Don't crowd me at the urinal if there's an open one available one unit away. Only use adjacent urinal at last resort.

No matter how drunk you are, never, ever come into a stall when someone is using it like a guy did to me once at a dive bar in Delaware, OH. It wasn't cool at all. He kept saying he was sorry. I was no where near done wiping (I perfer to stand when I wipe, so he got a great view) and he then began to pass out in the stall with me, saying "sorry, sorry bro...geez, I'm sorry."

If the lock on a stall is broken...hope is not lost...shit, make a sign out of toilet paper. I did this once at a Kmart in Chillicothe. Recalling my Delaware experience, I wrote "occupied" on a pice of TP and hung it outside the stall. I was not disturbed.

C'mon...always wash hands...that's easy.

There's a time limit for stalls. 22 mins is enough time for the most massive of dumps or the grandest of conquests of brickbreaker or pacman. If you think you're going to be longer, you need to announce it to the guy who keeps coming in, checking the stall, and leaving with a huff.

Make toilet seats that are not of the elongated model illegal as a public health risk. Is it me, or do those rinky dink toilets leave you no place to put your cock. I mean, my cock just sits there like a diminutive beached whale, collecting god knows what. I'd love to culture something from the toilet seat...fuck it, let's do the experiment on my favorite organ! I mean, with these seats, you gotta lean forward to piss...the bottom side of the seat is serated for some reason, so you cut your dick a little, than if you don't have the perfect angle, you begin to pee on your balls and down your ass crack...you move at the last second, and then you have sprinkler on high pressure effect as the high viscosity flow moves through the toilet seat and the bowl. Terrible.

Design toilets with flush spray limitations. While taking the dump, the courtesy flush is enacted and whamo! you are tagged with filth water up your colon. It's like a bad car wash.

Courtesy flush must be enacted unless there is competition to see who owns the restroom. This is a true man's game, but there's a time and a place.

At the urinal, aim for the urinal cake as the rapid erosion caused by your flow will release some pleasant smells! Always flush the fucking urinal. There is nothing worse than the smell of 3 day old dark yellow urine with film on it!

Establishments, provide us with humane and decent toilet paper. I used to carry around my own roll with me in the car. I've since given up. Some tp is so thin, no one's going to leave the stall happy. I've often resorted to the seat guards. Now those are awesome and should be mandatory throughout. They aren't made quite large enough, so what you need to do to use them properly is actually tear them in half at the U, then use the excess "holed" area as the bridge for the backside of the now fractured U piece.

Never get piss or piss spray on my leg, shoes, or bag. This has happend to me twice.

Restroom graffiti is ok b/c it's unavoidable.

Make every stall a handicap stall.