Handling Trade Proposals for Pets like I am the GM of a Baseball Team

Ok, so I have a roster of pets.

Mr. Kii-All Smoke Gray Domestic Cat, male
Behbe- Gray and White Domestic Cat, female
Nicolai- All White Domestic Cat, male
Foofen- Miniature/Dwarf Orange Long-haired Domestic Cat, female
Panzer- Flemish Giant Rabbit, male



If you are an animal person and you have the needs…you probably have multiple pets, and yes, they are your children. You love them, you know their personalities and little habits. However, you know that you have your favorites. You also know that you have your least favorites, as well as your needs to upgrade on the situation. They all have a scouting report, too. Kii is a fantastic eater and companion, as well as a wise personality. He always knows what’s going on. He is, however, very lazy. He’s the leader of the pride, a very vocal leader. Behbe is by far our most talented player with toys. She will often get into her own little zone, making sounds a cat shouldn’t make while playing ferociously. She does have sneezing fits with horrendous results. Nicolai is very loving, but a pain in the ass when it comes to getting put away. He’s the only pet I’ve ever had that has bitten me (that did not go over well for him). He is tremendously powerful and should be able to take over from Kii as the dominant male, but he has too much respect/love for Kii. He follows him around like his little brother. He’s the definition of a copy cat. Panzer enters our family Sunday. I dunno anything about him except for the fact that his parents are 20 lbs each. (Yikes!!!)

I have always wanted a King German Shepherd. In my opinion, there is no finer breed of dog. Since I grew up with dogs, no matter how many pets I accumulate, I still know that I want a damned dog! Well, since we are moving into a house with a yard soon, it may become a reality very soon.


Well, Behbe is always the topic of trade talks with other people. Behbe was always full of promise! We got her from a kitty rescue and she was a very cute kitten. She came down with a terrible illness…high fever, vomiting, seizures. She should have died, yet, somehow she lived. Just like Pet Semetary, “Sometimes…dead is better.” Yes, this may have been a better fortune for Behbe. At 2 years old, Behbe suffers from retardation, hallucinations, severe mental anxiety and obsession issues. Her mental issues force her to clean herself incessantly. She licks herself so much, that even though her hair should be medium length (about a half an inch) she has a buzz cut, as she takes much of her hair off while cleaning! She also has a sinus disorder, probably from allergies. Over the span of a couple of days, her sinus cavity will fill with one gigantic booger. I mean, a booger that is the size of her whole sinus cavity. They are huge. She will engage in sneezing fits that may last for nearly a minute and finally, she will eject a caterpillar sized boogers across the room, typically landing on the wall. Fuck getting a Fathead, Behbe’s artwork far exceeds the size and realism.

Behbe first came up in trade talks with our friend, Madeline. For whatever reason, Behbe adores Madeline. When Madeline comes over, Behbe will attentively come over and lay on her, allow herself to be picked up and towed around. Considering Behbe is typically a recluse, this is pretty schocking. This was the first trade proposal, Behbe for cash…I just couldn’t do such a thing. Behbe was my first pet that was my own exclusively, I’m gonna stick it out with her…I mean, she fought to stay alive…she came back from the dead for me!

The next proposal evolved stemming from my robotic father. Living alone in a north Boston mansion, his loneliness was too much for even a robot to take. He would call me several times a day, for hours at a time. I advised him to get a pet. He, of course, being a difficult robot, said he was too fucking busy to find one. So finally, I proposed a Behbe. Behbe would be a better kitty if she were a lone cat. Some animals are made to be solo. Well, again…the trade proposal was cash for Behbe, but my father is cheap, and again, my first pet was worth more than the 50 bucks he was offering. He eventually found a kitty, anyways.

The most recent trade proposal came up a couple of weekends ago. My friend and guitarist for my band, Ed lives with his wife, Swampy. Here is their roster of pets:


Doyle-Chihuahua, male
Grr-Dachsund, female
Petey-Dachsund, male
MJ-Dachsund, male
Buff Buff-Long-Haired, Orange Domestic Cat, female

Chinchilla 1 (name? Do you name chinchillas?)
Chinchilla 2


Ms. MJ, for whatever reason, is their least favorite animal. I don’t know why. Unlike Doyle and Petey, who habitually piss and shit everywhere, MJ just does not cut it for them. The males have to wear doggie diapers. It’s brutal. I go over there often for practice and writing sessions. My Christ, they need Cesar Milan or that scrawny, English bitch.

While hammered, I proposed a Behbe/MJ trade. It made sense to me. I’d be able to get a dog out of the deal, if you can call such a scrawny animal a dog. I was shot down immediately. Unfortunately, they knew about Behbe’s booger shooting abilities, which was a deal breaker. I argued that it was superior vs. pissing/defecation, but I guess they didn’t think so.

Now that I’m getting a house in a few weeks, I think I’m just going to pick up a King German Shepherd in free agency….sign him long term. Hopefully, he didn’t take steroids.