Documenting the Vagassa...

Not everyone is privileged enough to know what a vagassa is, let alone, if you've ever heard of one....or smelled one.

But, unlike bigfoot and martians, I have scientific proof of a vagassa's existence...in my own home! One of my kitties has a vagassa.

Vagassa(n)-A uniform hole that serves as both a rectum and a vagina. Over time, a vagassa is formed by constant obsessive grooming, causing the taint to be completely eroded away and connecting both orifices as one.

There is nothing more hideous than a vagassa. It reeks...it usually finds its way into my face when Bebe wants attention. It smells like rotten kimchi...sickeningly sweet b.o. with a hint of ass matter...not pleasant.

If you ever want to see it in person, come on by my house...I'm sure Bebe will find someway to flaunt it in your face...that is, if you don't smell it first...or maybe, she might put it on you...eek.

We noticed the vagassa forming about two years ago. It did seem to happen almost overnite. An OCD grooming disorder has caused this seething caldera of stank to form. Once, upon a road trip, the Bebe was very intent and aggressive upon getting extra attention. She would not leave me alone. She mounted my seat from just over my left shoulder and like Shaq posting up Greg Oostertaag, she was forcing her vagassa towards my face. She pushed on me with her heavily soiled ass for almost 10 mins before I was able to find a kitty treat and throw it on the floor. It was an awful experience.

The vagassa has been placed on me a few times. The worst encounter I had with the vagassa was when Bebe sat on my arm while I was sleeping. I awakened to her usual high pitched meow, but accompanied with a squishy, slimey, rubbery feelign spot on my armed! I gasped. I then proceded to wash my arm with lysol.

On moving...

I'm moving into a house this weekend. It may not be a big deal to some of you. Some of you have had the option to live in a house in the ghetto or your parents are paying your lease, etc. This is my first house on my own. It's a rent to own situation and it's taken me my whole life to get my first house, so BUTT OUT!

Some of you are helping and getting catered Italian food and free beer. Some of you are assholes and won't help. Some of you I never bothered to ask, bc, well some of you are out of town (and I'm not paying for your ticket to fuckin help me)and some of you are as reliable as a truthful Roger Clemens congressional testimony.

Well, when you move, you obviously gotta clean out your old joint. One of the more bizarre things I have to clean are my one cat, Bebe's gigantic snots.

If you know me or have been a reader, Bebe is our special-ed kitty who has allergies that cause her entire sinus cavity to fill up, solidify, and then she ejects the contents like a volcanic bomb in a vile and wretched sneezing fit...usually ending up on my wall...or leg...or hand.

When Bebe has a sneezing fit, I grab the nearest blanket and cover up. I learned the hard way when one of these fuckers nearly took out my leg like that canon ball did to that sorry mother fucker in the Patriot.

I have included documentation of these massive boogers juxtaposed with a measuring tape. It is shocking.

Might as well plug it...how am I to go about cleaning these gigantic booger pies? Well, we got these nice little "Mr. Clean Magic Erasures." The product really is magical...a little moisture and some elbow grease...the wall is booger free!!! I need to mention that some of these boogers have been on the walls for months!